Extravagant Nonsense

Extravagant Nonsense has moved

2009-12-16T02:54:00.000-08:00

Extravagant Nonsense has completed its move to a bigger, more polished arena. It can now be located here: http://backofthenet.markwatsonthecomedian.com/

If you are one of our wonderful followers, please continue to follow the blog on the new page where it will be updated more regularly than ever by Mark Watson, Paul Watson and John (Non-Watson) Foster.

If you fancy some non-football satire, try Extra Nonsense and if you want to hear about Paul Watson's football project in Pohnpei, we have a brand new blog here.

We really hope you like the new sites and thanks for all your support.

Ferdinand 'not convinced' Komodo dragons are real, according to agent

2009-12-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

Sunderland ace Anton Ferdinand is “yet to make a final decision” over whether or not he believes in Komodo dragons, according to his agent Jeff Weston.

Ferdinand has found himself at the centre of a tug of war between the ‘real’ and ‘hoax’ camps that have sprung up in the Black Cats dressing room since the arrival of noted dragon-denier Boudewijn Zenden in mid-October.

Ex-Barcelona and Chelsea schemer Zenden, 33, has spent much of his career rubbishing the claims of scientists about Komodo dragons, frequently dedicating post-match interviews to his theory that they are poorly-executed animatronic crocodiles.

Zenden’s ideas have found fertile ground among his new Sunderland team-mates, with Kieran Richardson and Andy Reid among those who have publicly questioned the existence of the Varanus komodoensis lizard in recent weeks.

But the ‘No To Komodo’ campaign has not had it all their own way. Right-back Phil Bardsley has been handing round copies of the David Attenborough doucmentary ‘Life In Cold Blood’, which features footage of Komodo dragons in their ‘natural’ habitat.

And Steed Malbranque, who claims to have seen a Komodo dragon on a visit to London Zoo in 2004, has refused to pass to his anti-dragon team-mates in training.

Ferdinand, 24, had until recently been considered a staunch believer in Komodo dragons. But having spent last week’s trip to Wigan sitting next to Zenden, and perusing several of the Dutch midfielder’s self-published pamphlets, Ferdinand’s position appears less clear-cut.

Further controversy also rages as to whether Komodo dragons can breathe fire, as claimed by George McCartney. However, Sunderland sources have confirmed that no-one at the club listens to anything George McCartney says.

Stead celebrates winner by recreating Haaland assault

2009-12-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Matchwinner Jon Stead brought further pleasure to Ipswich fans on Sunday by recreating Roy Keane’s vicious attack on Alf-Inge Haaland, provoking mirth from all quarters.

Unobjectionable utility schlub Haaland, who retired a year after volatile dog-exhauster Keane mangled his cruciate in 2001, was at the literally-named Cardiff City Stadium to promote Fibulous, the charity set up to help children whose knees have been irreparably damaged by Roy Keane.

In a post-match interview Stead described his humourous celebration, which involved kicking Haaland all the way from the executive lounge down several flights of stairs and over the advertising hoardings into the centre circle, before booting him so hard he landed on his head.

“Basically, the lads all made a circle and I just kicked him incredibly violently right above the patella”, chortled Stead. "We just wanted to show the gaffer we're 110 per cent behind him."

"The lads were having a bit of banter about it last night", continued the yokel-faced frontman, "and we agreed that whoever scored had to be the one who did him [Haaland].”

“I also called him a cunt.”

For his part, Haaland laughed off Stead’s tribute while relaxing into the foetal position on the side of the pitch. “It is most droll”, he commented, his teeth clenched in a broad smile. “Please could someone call a paramedic?”

Redgrave admits: I was out of my depth

2009-12-01T02:26:00.000-08:00

Olympic hero Sir Steve Redgrave concedes his five gold medals counted for nothing when he conspired to produce the dullest FA Cup third round draw in 98 years.

Despite reservations regarding Redgrave's lack of a football background, the FA chose the towering rower to partner England women's captain Kelly Smith for the showpiece draw of this season's FA Cup.

And the decision backfired spectacularly as a flustered Redgrave continually paired teams from the same division, producing a multitude of dogshit encounters such as Scunthorpe-Barnsley and Bristol City-Cardiff City.

Even the crafty, devilish Jim Rosenthal stopped trying to put a gloss on the ties and audibly muttered: "Jesus Christ Redgrave, sort it out" before reading out Leicester City v Swansea City.

"I thought my mighty rower's arms would see me through but I had no idea what I was doing," a stony-faced Redgrave murmured.

"Kelly would tee me up with Aston Villa but all I could do was pull out Blackburn, that seemed to happen all day. There's so much more to doing the draw than I ever imagined."

The FA are expected to return to safer hands of steady ex-pros for the fourth round and have announced their intention to "see what Ray Parlour's up to."

Italians 'not at all sure' where World Cup Trophy is

2009-11-28T03:30:00.000-08:00

Italian officials are facing a race against time as they try and locate the FIFA World Cup Trophy in time for next Friday's 2010 group stage draw in Cape Town.

Football's men in suits are preparing to travel from every corner of the globe at huge expense to solemnly watch a series of numbered balls be drawn out of a pot and Italy's representatives are expected to bring the World Cup Trophy that they won in 2006 by dint of being the best of a very bad bunch.

However, once the celebrations died down in July 2006, Italian officials admit that they "kind of lost track of the trophy".

An emergency meeting of the Italian parliament concluded that FIGC officials should "try and remember where they last had it" but assured that it would "turn up as soon as they stopped looking for it."

It has since emerged that the accurately titled World Cup Trophy was last seen in Rome in August 2006 being carried in a bag for life by Prime Minister / AC Milan patron / national embarrassment Silvio Berlusconi but the priceless silverware seems to have dropped off the radar since.

Confidence in the Italian Football Federation's ability to recover the Cup is low with the mystery of who stole the entire Italian squad's clothing during the 2006 World Cup Final still unsolved (pictured).

Although the FIGC took swift action, ordering the Azzurri players to coat themselves in baby oil and pout, their handling of the situation has been criticised and the latest crisis won't help restore public confidence.

Wiley won't sue Fergie for 'unfit' jibe as trip to post box is 'such a schlep'

2009-11-25T02:41:00.000-08:00

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson won't face a defamation suit for labelling referee Alan Wiley 'unfit' after the respected official admitted defeat in his bid to find a post box within comfortable walking distance of his Staffordshire home.

Serial moaner Ferguson ripped into Wiley after United's 2-2 draw with Sunderland at the start of October, claiming the result had been due to the ref's inability to keep up with the action.

Fergie took exception to Wiley spending nearly six minutes over a booking, making several decisions using binoculars and asking a fan behind the goal whether a late Patrice Evra effort had been deflected or not.

The criticism hit a sore spot for Wiley, who is fiercely committed to maintaining a high level of fitness, and he considered taking legal action. But it has now been confirmed that there will be no defamation suit as Wiley didn't send in the necessary paperwork.

"I had it all filled out and ready to go off but my car was being repaired in the garage," a breathless Wiley explained.

"I went all the way down to the main road but there wasn't a post box there. I think there's one down by the station but that's miles away. I guess the big managers are untouchable these days."

FIFA address goalline controversy with new 28-referee system

2009-11-25T02:29:00.000-08:00

FIFA have taken swift action to calm the troubled waters of world football after the Thierry Henry scandal, announcing that from next year, all top-level matches will be refereed by a taskforce of twenty-eight officials. The system, secretly trialled at the last World Cup (see picture above), could be in place as early as January 2010, if two million new referees can be trained in time.

The authorities have been widely expected to approve calls for two new officials - one on each goalline - after successfully experimenting with such a system during this season's otherwise pointless Europa League. However, speaking from one of his palaces, FIFA President Sepp Blatter revealed that the changes would be more sweeping than anyone had anticipated. 'As well as the referees, assistants, 4th official and guys on the goallines,' Blatter told journalists, 'each player will be followed around by his own referee. Each of these referees will sit down with his personal player at various points during the match to take an audit of any shots, passes and tackles they have made. The 22 referees will then report back to the main match officials, who will collate the final score within a week of the end of the game.'

'With this simple system,' Blatter concluded, 'we hope to eradicate debates such as the one that followed France's match with Ireland, when Thierry Henry allegedly used his hand several times to control the ball, although it was very difficult to tell for certain.'

Blatter confirmed that FIFA were discussing further measures to address potential controversies. These are thought to include placing a CCTV camera inside the ball which feeds pictures back to a taskforce of MI5 and Interpol operatives; issuing each player with a PIN which he has to input into a card reader before taking a shot at goal; placing customs officials at the edge of each penalty area to ascertain the reason for players' visits; and chopping off Thierry Henry's hands.

However, Blatter said that FIFA were still reluctant to introduce video referees to check action replays of disputed goals: 'we do not feel there is any need for action as drastic as that'. Blatter added: 'Offside! Offside! Fuck's sake!... no, to be fair, he was just about level. I'm always getting those wrong.'

Cassano denies rift with pie

2009-11-24T19:35:00.000-08:00

Sampdoria striker Antonio Cassano has denied reports of a bust-up with a delicious pie, insisting that his relationship with pie remains as strong as ever.

“I’ve had my problems in the past, with managers, referees, journalists, even with my own team-mates” admitted the 27-year old. “But with pie? Never. Pie has always been my good friend. These stories are simply false.”

According to reports in the Italian press, Cassano has been unhappy with the way that pie is frequently flaky, with an insufficiently moist filling to compensate for the dryness of the outer crust. Fan forums have linked the striker with a move for a tray of macaroons, while Twitter was recently abuzz with rumours of a link-up with baklava.

But the former Real Madrid and Roma man insisted he was happy with the pie on offer at Sampdoria, and was in fact making plans to extend his belt.

“I’ve spoken with the manager and the chairman, and with my agent, and before Christmas we’re all going to sit down together and sample a huge selection of pies. But I’ve made it clear that I can see myself eating pie at the Stadio Ferraris for the rest of my career, as long as the pie on offer remains the right pie for me.”

Sources close to pie were also quick to deny the rumours. “Anyone who suggests there are problems between pie and Antonio knows nothing about pie,” a spokesbiscuit told reporters yesterday. “These allegations are as baseless and insubstantial as a meringue.”

A return to the national team for Cassano looks unlikely, though, as Italy boss Marcello Lippi still blames him for the disappearance of all the after-dinner biscotti following a clash with Norway in 2005.

Citing Wigan refund as precedent, fans take beloved clubs to cleaners

2009-11-24T18:56:00.000-08:00

Wigan Athletic's decision to refund fans who travelled to their 9-1 humiliation at White Hart Lane has brought about a devastating domino effect as supporters across the country have pushed for compensation payments ranging from £6.50 to £500,000.

After falling victim to Harry Redknapp's new strategy of scoring nine goals, Wigan captain Mario Melchiot declared that his side would be refunding the Latics fans who made the 6,000 mile trip to North London to watch their heroes get flayed by a fairly good side.

Sadly, this well-meaning gesture has had a huge knock-on effect as fans all over the country have submitted invoices to their clubs for past indignities.

Portsmouth face a bill of £6m to pay back the Fratton Park faithful for their dire start to the campaign and the entire crowd for August 29's Blackburn-West Ham bore draw have claimed back their hard-earned cash.

Mr Kevin Ardley, an elderly Grimsby Town fan, has delivered an 8,000-page report to Blundell Park in which he outlines his grievances and demands a settlement of nearly £500,000.

At the other end of the scale, Ian Kirwin of Milton Keynes - a Manchester United fan since 1996 - claimed £35 for "this time my uncle took me to see United play some shitty little team [Exeter City] in the FA Cup and they only drew."

The smallest claim of all was £6.50 from a Tottenham fan demanding compensation for "the 42 minutes when it was only 1-0 and we were missing loads of chances" during the 9-1 win over Wigan.

A few clubs are reportedly considering a "pay as they play" system to combat unforeseen refunds where a collection plate would be passed around after each goal, near miss and punch-up.

Dismay as Brownitez survive again

2009-11-24T15:27:00.000-08:00

Public surprise was turning to anger last night as Phil and Rafa came through another judges' vote to remain in the Premier League, despite the pair's increasingly shambolic performances.

Sky Sports have received nearly 3,000 complaints after it was revealed that for the fifteenth consecutive week, no contestant was to leave the network’s top-rated entertainment programme. This is after Phil [above right] and Rafa yet again failed to take enough points to guarantee their safety during Saturday's programme, the latest in a series of fiascos to befall the orange-tinctured calamity twins.

The two had been tripped up earlier in the series by the Defending Set-Pieces task, the Don’t Gamble Your Season’s Transfer Kitty On A Famously Crock-Prone Midfielder challenge, and most notoriously the Brtiney Spears round, when a rendition of the star’s 2000 hit ‘Lucky’ turned into a call-and-response rap about controversial refereeing decisions in previous shows.

A Sky spokesperson defended the decision to stick with the goateed duo. “There is a loveable quality to Phil and Rafa,” she said. “Viewers can tell they’re out of their depth but they just keep plugging away. Everyone watching at home likes the idea that you don’t need to be successful or talented to get your face on the telly.”

She refused to be drawn on rumours, reported last week in Heat magazine, that glamour model Jordan is set to replace the troubled contestants as soon as she completes her UEFA Pro Licence.

Cunning Redknapp strikes gold with 'score nine goals' gameplan

2009-11-23T10:39:00.000-08:00

Master tactician Harry Redknapp was basking in the glory of Spurs's biggest win of recent times today, after his plan of scoring eight goals in the second half proved too much for his opposite number Roberto Martinez, who had instructed his Wigan players to score 'one goal, maximum'.

Spurs marksman Jermain Defoe, who bagged no fewer than five goals in Tottenham's amazing 9-1 romp, gave the credit to boss Redknapp for a tactically astute half-time team-talk. 'The gaffer noticed that we was only winning 1-0,' revealed Defoe, 'and he told us that obviously if we could get some more goals, it would be harder for Wigan to catch us up.'

'We was thinking maybe two or three, but the boss says to us: 'no, let's have a whole load of goals. Try and get eight. If you get eight, we'll have nine and that should easily be enough to win the game.' Some of the lads wasn't convinced it would work, but obviously, the scoreline speaks for itself.'

A spokesman told Back Of The Net that Redknapp was unavailable for comment today, having been called away to Monte Carlo to settle some debts, but an insider revealed: 'Harry came up with the plan a couple of weeks ago after the Arsenal game. He told the players to try and concede two or three goals in that game, and obviously the result was disappointing. So in the week following that, he got the calculator out and hit on the scheme of scoring a shitload of goals against Wigan.'

Redknapp's spokesman was understandably tight-lipped on the question of whether the Spurs boss would employ the successful tactic in their next game, against Aston Villa. But with rumours circulating that Villa supremo Martin O'Neill is instructing his own side to win 4-3, fans are bracing themselves for a classic.

Sky forced to rename 'Super Sunday' after Stoke-Portsmouth clash

2009-11-23T03:21:00.000-08:00

Sky Sports face the threat of legal action this morning after describing yesterday's bill of Bolton v Blackburn and Stoke v Portsmouth as a 'Super Sunday'. Trading Standards authorities launched an investigation when hundreds of viewers complained at the poor fare, and a panel of experts ruled that not one minute of the 180 could accurately be described as 'super'. Around thirty minutes were 'good, honest toil', seventy minutes consisted of 'attritional stuff', and the remainder was classified as 'total dogshit'.

'Originally, I had no intention of watching Stoke-Portsmouth,' said one disappointed viewer. 'There was a 'Friends' marathon on T4 and those guys' antics never get boring. But then I saw the trailer for the football and when they announced it was a Super Sunday, well, I felt I couldn't miss it. There were all these slow-motion shots of Ricardo Fuller and some of Paul Hart looking worried on the touchline. And that man who does the voiceover sounded genuinely excited.'

Another Sky subscriber was up in arms after missing his sister's wedding in order to take in Bolton-Blackburn. 'This was a huge deal for my family,' lamented the viewer, who did not want to be named, 'but when I got a text saying Super Sunday was on, I was forced to pull out and get to a television. If I'd known I'd be watching players like Kevin-Prince Boateng and Rory Delap, I would never have missed Polly's big day. Sky should be more careful advertising matches as 'Super' when they're between two functional Lancashire outfits who can hardly put a pass together.'

Richard Graeme, head of media and communications, confirmed that Sky would be reviewing their advertising policy. 'We have already re-classified December 2 as a 'Workmanlike Wednesday', and December 6 [when Sky show matches involving Scunthorpe and Everton], which was going to be a Super Sunday, will now be billed as 'The Best Sunday We Can Manage, Given That Our Contract Forces Us To Share Airtime Around Between Some Dreadful Clubs''.

'Still,' Graeme added, 'it's not like Spurs-Wigan would have been any more exciting, is it?'

While Sky backtracked over their adverts, the man who does the wildly excitable voiceover denied that he had deliberately misled viewers. 'I. JUST. REALLY. LOVE. FOOTBALL,' he boomed from a recording studio, over slow-motion footage of Hull against Fulham.

Keane 'generally enjoyed trip to Paris'

2009-11-19T01:13:00.001-08:00

Republic of Ireland striking star Robbie Keane insists he had a "grand time" in Paris in spite of his side's heartbreaking World Cup 2010 qualification play-off defeat.

Hampered by the loss of their trademark luck, the Irish were denied a trip to South Africa by a William Gallas goal, scored after Thierry Henry had tossed the ball from hand to hand like a pizza chef flipping dough.

Amazingly, none of Henry's 19 handballs were seen by referee Martin Hansson and Robbie Keane's first-half goal proved insufficient to prevent despicable clown Raymond Domenech and his charmless underachievers reaching the finals.

But the disappointment at the Stade de France didn't seem to ruin culture buff Keane's enjoyment of the French capital.

"I had a terrific time," he beamed at bemused journalists. "On Tuesday night we went for a walk along the Seine and then had dinner at Les Deux Magots. Just to be in the same seats that the likes of Hemingway, Breton and Camus frequented was a humbling experience.

"And before the game we managed to squeeze in a visit to the Louvre and the Musee d'Orsay where I was lucky enough to get a chance to discuss the work of Edouard Vuillard with Guy Cogeval himself.

"Obviously the game didn't quite go as planned with the failure to qualify as a result of cheating and that, but still Paris was grand."

Manager Giovanni Trapattoni was also keen to stress that he "couldn't remember the last time he had been to Paris" and described the mid-week trip as "an unexpected joy at my age."

Luck of the Irish ran out in 2003, officials discover

2009-11-16T05:19:00.000-08:00

The famous 'Luck of the Irish', an unexplained cosmic loophole which traditionally allows the Republic of Ireland to overachieve at international football tournaments, expired several seasons ago, it was revealed today.

The Irish have enjoyed considerable success by invoking the rule, most famously when they used it to progress to the quarter-finals of the 1990 World Cup without winning a game in normal time, forcing a corner, or completing any passes. The LOTI also secured Ireland's passage to the knockout stages in 2002 after they had been outplayed by both Cameroon and Germany. It has been one of the most popular cliches for commentators sentimentalising Irishness, second only to constant mentions of 'pints of the black stuff flowing' every time the men in green lose by fewer than four goals.

This year, however, Ireland look set to miss out on qualification despite generally strong performances, thanks to a brutal draw which has pitted them against both Italy and France. After a fortunate deflected winner in Saturday's first leg with France left the Irish with a mountain to climb, FoI President David Blood launched an informal inquiry. He discovered, according to insiders at Croke Park, that the Luck of the Irish was not renewed in time for Euro 2004, and has been discontinued. 'We wondered what had happened to all those scrambled goals from dubious corners, and qualifying groups full of joke teams like the Faroe Islands,' Blood lamented. 'Turns out

we no longer have our ancient right to skank our way through competitions with functional set-plays.'

'Feck!' added Blood.

It has not yet been established why the Luck of the Irish was rescinded. One theory suggests that the Irish gods were upset by the appointment of non-Irishman Mick McCarthy as manager, but this seems unlikely to have been the cause, as the 1990 World Cup squad was famously managed by an Englishman and contained as many as eight players who had never been to, or heard of, Ireland. Others think the LOTI may have been transferred to Ireland's rugby team, who won the Grand Slam this year after Wales's Stephen Jones missed a decisive last-second penalty.

'But to be honest,' Blood admitted, 'we might have just forgotten to send the forms back after the party to welcome back the 2002 heroes [from South Korea, where Ireland reached the last sixteen]. Now, there was a grand night with some great craic.'

This is not the first blow to Irish heritage in recent years. The legendary Blarney Stone famously lost its magical powers after being urinated on by members of an English stag party, and the nation's official nickname was changed to 'The Emirates Emerald Isle' after a sponsorship deal in 2007. But Blood promised fans that 'whatever happens in Paris, win, lose or draw, the black stuff will be flowing back home.'

Dozens irate as ancient Honduras-Latvia rivalry surfaces again

2009-11-16T01:51:00.000-08:00

Honduras is recovering from a massive hangover after the nation's notoriously fiery football fans ran amok in Tegucigalpa in the early hours of Sunday morning to celebrate Los Catrachos' 2-1 win over Auld Enemy Latvia.

Tensions between Honduras and Latvia are centuries old and many questioned the decision to bring the former Soviets over 6,000 miles to the hostile environment of Central America.

Over 30,000 fans turned up to the so-called friendly with many wearing t-shirts or sporting banners with anti-Latvian slogans such as "Death to those with plural names" and "Astafjevs sounds like a type of biscuit".

The atmosphere was fraught throughout the contest but the dismissal of Dzintars Peas angered the seven-strong travelling support and a last-gasp winner from headline-writer's friend Georgy Welcome brought things to boiling point.

Honduran fans spilt onto the streets of capital Tegucigalpa in frenzied celebration after vanquishing their hated foes. Police reported serious damage to several shops and hotels in the Latvian quarter of the city and several men were arrested for inciting racial hatred.

"We had no choice but to take them in," police chief Edgardo Villeda explained. "They were stood outside Georgys Pajtars' All-Night Latvian Food Emporium openly mocking Latvia's 159 non-marine molluscs.

"I have to say that I question the choice to play this friendly, everyone knows that a Latvia shirt is like a red rag to a bull in these parts."

Premier League to Old Firm: "Do a little dance"

2009-11-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

The prospect of Rangers and Celtic joining the Premier League hinges on whether the two Glasgow teams are prepared to dance for the amusement of their English counterparts, it emerged yesterday.

“We are confident that all legal, financial and scheduling issues can be swiftly overcome,” announced Wolves supremo Steve Morgan, speaking on behalf of the twenty Premier League chairmen.

“We are seeking assurances from representatives of both clubs, however, that they are prepared to pull a series of far-out shapes—as dictated by us—to demonstrate their commitment to the English game.”

The ‘do a little dance’ condition was passed by a 14-6 majority after chairmen rejected other suggested terms, including that the Old Firm ‘shine our shoes’, ‘eat a tablespoon of cinnamon’, and ‘demonstrate a willingness to engage with questions of security and policing’.

Peter Lawwell, Celtic chief executive, was upbeat about his club’s chances. “We have to be satisfied with the outcome of these discussions”, he told reporters. “I’m looking forward to getting out there and busting my most extreme moves.

“It’s a historic challenge for this football club, obviously, but one that we’ll approach with the same spirit, resolve, and slinky thighs of the Lisbon Lions in 1967.”

Rangers chairman Alastair Johnston, who replaced notoriously uncoordinated butterball David Murray in August, was similarly confident. “We feared they’d want us to eradicate sectarianism or something equally ridiculous, but this is far more feasible,” he said.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 2 on Ally McCoist’s Wii.”

Accoring to reports, Johnston and Lawwell will be made to wear kitten heels and skin-hugging leotards chosen by Portsmouth FC non-executive chairman Sulaiman al-Fahim. Reports that al-Fahim is merely a front for a consortium of unnamed Abu Dhabi-based designers have been strenuously denied by all parties.

Confused Vassell to support Vampire Weekend on February tour

2009-11-13T02:17:00.000-08:00

Darius Vassell's incomprehensible spell in Turkey is drawing to a disappointing conclusion, but the decent-enough striker's agent has pounced to secure him a high-profile return to the UK, supporting Congolese influenced American indie outfit Vampire Weekend on their forthcoming tour.

After a career of modest achievement, described in his recent autobiography 'Darius Vassell: Respectable Player, Reasonable Life', the diminutive frontman shocked the football world last summer by joining Turkish minnows Ankaragucu.

An uneasy Vassell was given a hero's welcome and briefly became President of Turkey but the bubble burst when Ankaragucu realised they had spent every penny they had (and several million pounds they didn't have) on the England international.

Overnight Ankaragucu folded with the club rebranding itself as a meat-packing enterprise, but Vassell's agent Michael Lowe moved quickly to spare his client from an early morning tripe packaging induction and book him in as the support act for Vampire Weekend on their February 2010 UK tour.

"I just made some calls to a few people and after several hours we had a deal," Lowe enthused. "This is a great switch for my client and I'm sure we'll see the real Darius Vassell in England."

While his representative seems upbeat, Vassell was a little more cautious as he left the Crowne Plaza Hotel, still cramming bottles of shampoo into his backpack.

"I guess I'll give it a go, but it's not really what I had in mind when I suggested a move back to England," he admitted.

"There are some tough tests ahead with trips to Manchester, Leeds and Birmingham in quick succession - that will be an important period for me."

The Vampire Weekend are known to be long-term admirers of Vassell and a source close to the band insisted they are "thrilled" to have been given the chance to play alongside the pint-sized predator.

Crouch on red alert as victorious Haye looks for more tall people to hit

2009-11-12T06:42:00.001-08:00

Tottenham striker Peter Crouch is among a group of Premier League footballers fearing for their lives, it was revealed today, as new WBA Heavyweight World Champion David Haye - fresh from his conquest of 7ft 2in Nikolai Valuev - seeks the next victim in his devastating spree of lofty-people-punching.

Haye, now among the hottest property in the sport, was widely expected to tackle American John Ruiz next, eventually moving on to veteran brothers Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko. But in a typically outspoken press conference yesterday the London-born slugger announced that he 'can't wait that long to hit another tall bastard' and 'has his people on the lookout for a lanky streak of piss to knock around'.

'I hate people taller than me,' roared Haye, who was picked up by TV cameras screaming 'fucking beanpole!' as he went toe-to-toe with his Russian opponent on Saturday. 'I hate the way they can reach things down from shelves and they're always standing in front of me at Glastonbury. And I hate the way they always get a flick-on when a corner comes over, and are surprisingly good with the ball on the deck.'

This final comment seemed squarely aimed at Crouch, and the Met Police put the England target man under protection when an eye-witness report claimed that Haye had been seen in the vicinity of White Hart Lane, studying the Spurs squad through binoculars and muttering 'look at the bloody size of him'.

Other players over six foot three - Haye's own height - have been also advised to remain vigilant, with Zat Knight and Kanu among those put at risk by Haye's irrational hatred of the tall. Sunderland keeper Marlon Fulop was allegedly also lined up by Haye's management, but does not have the necessary profile to attract the estimated $120 million purse necessary for the boxer to 'totally beat the crap out of some great big lump'.

Gerrard secretly hoping for injury to get worse

2009-11-10T03:22:00.000-08:00

Fed up with having to carry an entire team of under-achievers, long-suffering Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard is now actively seeking a worse injury than he already has, according to sources in the Anfield camp.

Despite being less than fifty percent fit, Gerrard limped off the bench last night to save a point for the inconsistent Reds, coolly slotting home a controversial penalty with his one functional leg. It was the latest in a series of heroic rescue missions by Liverpool's overworked talisman. Earlier this season he notched the winner at Bolton despite being unable to walk, diverting a Yossi Benayoun cross into the net with one of his crutches. And last year, the 29-year-old famously netted two goals against Real Madrid despite being in a coma, after boss Rafa Benitez picked him ahead of a fully fit Dirk Kuyt.

But an unusually frank interview after last night's disappointing draw suggests that Gerrard is coming to the end of his patience. 'I've had enough of playing alongside this shower of shit,' the Liverpool skipper told a startled press conference. 'It's all right when Fernando [Torres] is around, but the rest of them, I ask you.'

'I mean, who the hell is David Ngog? Is he even a professional footballer? It looks like some sort of anagram.'

There are fears among those close to Gerrard that he is now on a mission to collect a season-long injury, after Sky TV action replays showed him deliberately trying to get hit in the face by a Cameron Jerome shot, lying down in front of Sebastian Larsson in the hope of being trampled by the Birmingham player's studs, and leaping onto the bonnet of Albert Riera's BMW in the car park afterwards. An Anfield insider commented: 'We're all worried he's going to do something really stupid next, like swallowing poison, or playing in England's pointless friendly against Brazil.'

72 hours after Staines defeat, Simpson lets bedraggled players out of dressing room

2009-11-10T02:51:00.000-08:00

Shrewsbury Town players today staggered out of the Prostar Stadium and described their three-day dressing room ordeal following a 1-0 FA Cup shock at the hands of Staines Town.

The League Two side were eliminated after a performance that so enraged manager Paul Simpson that he gave his men a 72-hour dressing down before the players broke free and returned home to their worried loved ones.

The alarm was first raised by defender Harry Hooman's mother who became anxious when her son didn't arrive back in time for tea and the police later received a call from Paul Murray's wife after the injury-prone midfielder failed to show up for his book club on Saturday evening.

West Mercia police acted swiftly to trace the missing men back to the Prostar Stadium where they had last been seen desperately hoofing a ball into the opposition box on Saturday afternoon.

"We found the dressing room door locked and feared it was a hostage situation, but then we heard Mr Simpson berating his side's set-piece defending and realised he was still giving his post-match bollocking. So we informed the families and left them in peace," on-duty officer Graham Farnham recalls.

Simpson's players finally escaped just after midday on Tuesday when the furious tactician fell asleep and they were emotionally reunited with friends and family, who had kept a vigil outside the stadium gates.

"At first the gaffer (Paul Simpson) just went apeshit," captain Graham Coughlan explained tearfully.

"But after we had weathered the first 24 hours, things changed a little. Every few minutes the gaff (Paul Simpson) would call someone a 'twat' but he was clearly getting tired.

"He ordered us to stay where we were while he had a sleep. And when he woke up he continued where he left off and let rip at us again - if anything he was angrier.

"By the third day he was obviously running out of steam and spent three hours repeating Homie (Harry Hooman)'s name in a silly voice.

"Eventually he seemed to fall asleep again and we decided to do a runner - he was shouting 'Staines!' in his sleep but we just unlocked the door and legged it. I think it's fair to say we're pretty determined to beat Torquay this weekend."

Northwich fan club chief hails historic day, bemoans Drury’s sickening commentary on historic day

2009-11-09T06:14:00.000-08:00

The chairman of Northwich Victoria’s Supporters Club has admitted that, like much of the nation, he spent the last 10 minutes of the FA Cup win over Charlton half hoping for an equaliser to prevent a flurry of clichés from exasperating ITV commentator Peter Drury.

For the first time in recorded history, a non-league side triumphed over a league side in an FA Cup tie as Northwich Victoria – a team made up of plumbers, taxi drivers and semi-professional footballers – harnessed the mystical magic of the cup to book a place in the second round.

While the exact nature of the magic of the cup is a closely-guarded secret, only available to members of the magic circle and plucky non-league sides, it is believed to be a trick of misdirection involving a boggy old pitch, a small crowd of frenzied yokels, a freezing afternoon in early winter and a plentiful supply of fate-tempting.

Always ready to take the side of the underdog, viewers across the country cheered on Northwich during their televised triumph, but their heroics were sadly soured by the pre-arranged, pretentious babblings of insufferable wordbag Peter Drury.

Drury spent the first 75 minutes of the contest stressing his incredulity that the people of Northwich were able to function as human beings and that the Conference North side had managed to “dress properly for the game with socks and boots and all”.

But after the minnows took the lead, Drury shifted up a gear and began to speak almost entirely in verse, summarising events in hyperbolic dactylic hexameter.

Having stressed that the FA Cup was “doing its thing”, Drury then proceeded to run through a dizzying medley of Cup clichés, which built to the bone-chilling crescendo of “Teenage kicks! Northwich victorious!”

“This is a fantastic, historic day for my club,” Northwich nut Peter Barton enthused.

“However, I have to admit that I was kind of hoping Charlton would equalise to take the wind out of Drury’s sails. We could all hear him from the terraces and he was putting off some of the players with his unconscionable boobery.

“I’m looking forward to the second round and Lincoln but if it’s televised it might be for the best if we lose 2-0 or 3-0.”

In light of Ferguson's complaints, Chelsea-Man U result amended to 0-0

2009-11-09T05:52:00.000-08:00

Sir Alex Ferguson's latest attack on a refereeing decision bore fruit today, as the Premier League agreed to disallow John Terry's controversial winning goal against his side, and change the score accordingly to a 0-0 draw, almost fifteen hours after the end of yesterday's match at Stamford Bridge.

Few in football took much notice yesterday evening when the claret-cheeked United boss launched his usual tirade against referee Martin Atkinson, claiming that Chelsea's winner should not have stood because it came from a contentious free-kick, Wes Brown was fouled in the move itself, the sun was in some of his defenders' eyes, it wasn't fair to make United come all the way to London on a Sunday, and football was a stupid game anyway. However, after hearing Ferguson's grievances on Five Live while driving home, Atkinson dramatically decided to change his decision and alter the match result.

'Really, if managers want us to reconsider the result of a game, all they have to do is ask,' Atkinson explained. 'I mean, it's obviously unusual, and it causes a bit of hassle to the guys who work out the league table, but if Mr Ferguson feels the goal should have been disallowed, then I'm sure he knows what he's talking about - after all, it was his team involved. He wouldn't just be pointlessly bitching and whining after the event; it's not like he's the most ungracious loser in the history of association football or anything.'

'We're obviously disappointed,' said Chelsea captain John Terry, who thought his goal had struck a huge blow to the Blues' title rivals, 'but in all fairness I wasn't sure it was a free-kick in the first place, so if he [Ferguson] had a clear view of it, then we might as well trust him. I'm glad he spoke out, because all the lads feel that the whole 90-minutes thing is very limiting, and it's nice to have the option of agreeing on a result the next day if something like this comes up.'

Both teams involved in yesterday's suddenly-goalless showdown will be bracing themselves for a renewed challenge from Liverpool, after it was rumoured this morning that Rafa Benitez had written to the referees of the Reds' games with Aston Villa, Sunderland, Fulham and Chelsea and was 'hopeful of claiming back at least seven points'.

Spanish nurses prepare sympathy strike over La Liga tax hike

2009-11-06T01:10:00.000-08:00

The people of Spain have rallied around their beloved La Liga stars after it emerged that top-earning foreign players may see their tax contributions doubled next year.

From 2010, those earning more than £500,000 per year may see their modest pay packet slashed by a tax bill of 43 percent, leaving some of Europe's most vulnerable workers struggling on the bread line.

Real Madrid and Barcelona stars are well known for their frugal lifestyles but this new measure could reduce top footballers' wages to the meager level of a judge or a partner in a law firm.

While the current crop of La Liga stars would be immune to the new law, the Spanish public have reacted with indignation at the idea that the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo may have to cut their monthly hot-pants budget in half.

And the Union of Spanish Nurses and Medical Support Staff has pledged to call a sympathy strike should La Liga's players decide to draw up picket lines.

"I don't know what kind of world we live in when a footballer, who belts a ball around a patch of immaculately cut grass for several hours a month, has to make do with around £1m a year," spokeswoman Gracia Jimenez declared.

"That represents a mere 50 times what we are paid for simply tending to the sick and dying."

The threat of a tax hike has already started to affect players considering a move to Spain.

Ajax striker Luis Suarez, a target for Barcelona, has reportedly started to tighten his belt by selling off his diamond encrusted spare boot bag and laying off forgotten pop star Natalie Imbruglia, who had been hired to sing to him in the bath on Sundays.

United celebrate 10,000th last-minute goal

2009-11-04T05:25:00.000-08:00

Manchester United are planning a pre-game ceremony ahead of their November 21 clash with Everton to mark the club's 10,000th last-minute goal, which secured Champions League qualification against CSKA Moscow yesterday evening.

A weakened United side struggled to grab a 3-3 draw against the fifth best team in Russia but an Antonio Valencia strike in the dying seconds proved enough to secure a place in the last 16 and escape a Group of Death that also contained seventh-placed German side Wolfsburg and Besiktas - one of the best three teams in Istanbul.

But it is the manner of United's qualification that has delighted the club's directors as the Red Devils benefitted from their 10,000th goal to be scored after the 90th minute of a match.

Sir Alex Ferguson's men have a rich tradition of jammy late goals and famously won the title five times in the 1990s without finding the net before the 88th minute of any game.

And in honour of their milestone, Manchester United plan to hold a ceremony on the Old Trafford pitch before their routine win over Everton on November 21.

A host of household names will be paraded in front of the fans, including referee Martin Atkinson, who played nearly four days in United's dramatic derby win over Man City in September.

However, mahogany-faced manager Ferguson wasn't in party mood after the CSKA draw. The Scotsman blasted the match referee for "two or three perfectly good goals" scored during the warm-down that weren't included in the final score.

Baffled by unpopularity, Ashley announces plan to piss on Newcastle shirt

2009-11-03T03:48:00.000-08:00

In the latest in a series of PR measures designed to win over hostile supporters of Newcastle United, millionaire owner Mike Ashley today unveiled a plan to urinate on a Newcastle shirt in the centre circle at half-time during Saturday's fixture with Peterborough United.

Ashley has inexplicably struggled to warm the hearts of the Toon Army since taking control of the club in 2007, despite a host of crowd-pleasing gestures, which have included saddling the club with crippling debts, installing unpopular managers and a pointless Director of Football, allowing folk hero Kevin Keegan to leave, and eventually steering a shambolic, demoralised outfit towards the Championship. Even his latest olive branch to the fans - proposing to sell the name of the hallowed, centuries-old St James' Park to the highest corporate bidder - has failed to generate the expected goodwill from the club's sizeable, disgruntled fan base.

At a press conference today, Ashley acknowledged that the Newcastle supporters have been 'a tougher nut to crack' than he imagined, but confidently predicted that Saturday's stunt will be 'the most popular yet'. 'I'm going to get the shirt worn by Alan Shearer in the 1997/8 season and wee on it in full view of the Gallowgate end. Then I'm going to go up in a crane and scrub Jackie Milburn's name off the Milburn Stand. And if all this goes well, I've got an encore planned where I do this song about Bobby Robson being illegitimate.'

'If all that doesn't finally please the fans,' concluded Ashley, 'I'm going to start to wonder if they have it in for me, or something.'

Blue Peter presents Pogatetz the dog

2009-11-02T06:27:00.000-08:00

It has been confirmed that the new Blue Peter dog will be named Pogatetz in honour of injury-prone Middlesbrough stalwart Emanuel Pogatetz.

Blue Peter is one of the longest-running children's TV shows in the UK and since 1958 the presenters have been joined by a string of pets including dogs, cats and horses.

On the eve of the newest pet's on-air introduction, it has been leaked that the Irish Setter-Dachshund Cross will be named Pogatetz after a viewer vote.

Nearly 10,000 texts or emails chose the Austrian stopper's name, which beat competition from popular choices Fluffy, Woofy and Sinama-Pongolle.

Emanuel Pogatetz becomes the second footballer to earn this unlikely CBBC honour. In 2005, a Blue Peter cat was named Vennegoor of Hesselink but it sadly lost popularity with the viewers after a string of forgettable performances.

Fairly good striker is rank bad human

2009-10-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

Unremarkable Wigan Athletic striker Marlon King has been jailed for assaulting a woman in a club and could also be charged with believing himself to be a better player than he is.

King has been sentenced to 18 months in prison after letting himself down even beyond the high standards set by Premier League footballers.

The occasionally fruitful marksman, who is married with two children, groped a woman in a bland, soulless London club before responding angrily to being knocked back.

The ex-Hull City man reportedly yelled: “Don’t you know who I am?” before punching his victim in the face, breaking her nose.

It has been suggested that King blew a fuse when bystanders were heard muttering: “I think it’s Dion Dublin, either him or Marlon Harewood.”

Already facing the ignominious fate of a sacking from Wigan, King may also be charged with the serious crime of thinking he’s a better player than he is.

This offence carries a sentence of at least two years playing for Middlesbrough.

Faroe Islands top two demand Atlantic League

2009-10-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

The chairman of Faroe Islands champions EB has called for his side and runners-up HB to be allowed to leave their domestic league for an Atlantic Super League imploring: "These are two great clubs that deserve to be in a better circumstance than they are in."

The announcement from Streymur comes just weeks after Rangers stated their desire to leave the dull two-horse procession of the SPL for a cobbled-together mish-mash of second-rate European nonentities dubbed an ‘Atlantic League’.

Strangely there has been little support in Belgium or Holland for the scheme and clubs don’t seem to be jumping at the possibility of hosting hordes of leery, drunk, tattooed, Irn-Bru-drinking Glaswegians for the sake of lifeless sporting contests solely designed to keep two bored, jumped up clubs happy.

But the mention of the Atlantic League concept has given ideas to other lesser footballing nations where the title race has become stagnant, such as the Faroe Islands.

“We just feel that a club like ours deserves to be competing at a higher level,” EB chairman Birgir Enghamar insisted.

“EB and HB are very marketable clubs and there would be great interest in games with sides of similar prestige such as Skonto Riga, Ventspils, Amica Wroncki, Celtic and Rangers.”

While there is some support in the Faroe Islands for the clubs’ breakaway bid, others have suggested that the teams in question should try actually getting somewhere in the existing European competitions if they want to have an exciting season.

Faced with terrifying possibility of fulfilling potential, Spurs lose to Stoke to be on the safe side

2009-10-24T15:31:00.000-07:00

Tottenham Hotspur have confirmed that they lost their Premier League clash against Stoke on purpose to “preserve the club’s proud tradition of underachievement.”

In a bizarre turn of events, Spurs made a powerful start to the season and find themselves in fourth place prior to last weekend.

However, the men in white moved towards the more familiar surroundings of mid-table by losing to Stoke.

A statement on Spurs’ website reassured fans that their defeat to long-throw loving charmless Potteries side Stoke City was premeditated.

“Tottenham Hotspur FC would like to make it known that yesterday’s 1-0 loss to Stoke City was a thrown game,” it reads.

“The directors met on Friday afternoon and expressed their anxiety at the current direction of the club and we unanimously decided that losing to a mediocre side with a sleazy, hatted coach would be the best path.

“Tottenham Hotspur has a rich history of achieving much less than the sum of its parts and we don’t intend to deny the loyal fans the chance to permanently feel slightly hard done by and make self-deprecating remarks.”

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp refused to comment on the match to journalists who approached him at a police auction in Dagenham but professed his delight at winning a job lot of dented car bumpers for a monkey.

After-goal music doesn’t play, fans left unsure whether or not to cheer

2009-10-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

Disaster struck during Watford’s 4-1 win over Sheffield Wednesday as the sound system at Vicarage Road failed, leaving fans feeling awkward and confused after each goal.

Clubs realised in the 1990s that supporters needed to be reminded to be happy after a goal for their side and acted to pump loud, shit music into the stands to encourage celebration.

While there have been glitches, such as the CD switch that saw Everton play ‘No Distance Left To Run’ by Blur after an FA Cup extra-time winner over Liverpool, post-goal music has generally been a huge success.

However, on Friday evening Watford fans were left standing in silence after the Hornets’ four goals against Sheffield Wednesday after the PA system fused.

“We just didn’t know what to do,” loyal fan Martin Cross recalled tearfully.

“I looked around the stands and everyone looked embarrassed and slightly scared. A few guys tried to step up and made some kind of noise but it didn’t quite sound right.

“To be honest I was supporting Wednesday after the third goal because at least I could remember how to flail my arm angrily and mutter about the defence.”

Watford have apologised to fans and assured them that they are storing Sophie Ellis-Bexter in a cupboard in case of a similar problem in future.

FIFA admits it dropped the ball, promises to find loophole to stop Greece or Ukraine being at World Cup

2009-10-21T15:40:00.000-07:00

FIFA are set to consult the Court for Arbitration in Sport to try and find a way to prevent the winner of the Greece v Ukraine World Cup 2010 qualification play-off spoiling next summer’s showpiece event.

The football world still hasn’t forgiven Greece for ruining Euro 2004 by winning the tournament with just three shots on goal.

Ukraine reached the quarter-finals of the phenomenally depressing 2006 World Cup but the memory of their insultingly dull second-round win over Switzerland lingers and has all but destroyed Ukraine’s fragile tourism industry and made the former Soviets targets for acts of aggression all over the world.

But after both teams plodded their way to second place in World Cup 2010 qualification, they were drawn together in a play-off with one side claiming a spot in South Africa.

After France and the Republic of Ireland were drawn together, FIFA chief Sepp Blatter appeared restless and when Ukraine were paired with Greece he was heard to mutter: “Ah shit!”

Now it has been revealed that FIFA are desperately searching for a way to prevent either of the shitty countries contesting 0-0 draws with Japan at the World Cup.

“I hold my hands up – we should’ve done more to prevent this,” a FIFA spokesman admitted.

“We’re trying to come up with something, maybe we could start some kind of conflict in those regions? It’d be a shame if people had to die to prevent Greece or Ukraine taking one of the 32 places at the World Cup, but I can assure football fans that FIFA will do what it takes.”

Beach ball thrower blasts fickle press

2009-10-19T03:51:00.000-07:00

The fan who threw the beach ball that deflected a Darren Bent shot goal-wards to sentence Liverpool to defeat at Sunderland has hit out at the press for “only focusing on my bad games”.

Liverpool have a proud recent history of threatening a title challenge before dropping points against the Premier League minnows and slipping out of contention.

But it seems Rafa Benitez has decided to fast track the process this year and leave the title race before the New Year.

The Anfield outfit suffered a costly loss to Sunderland on Saturday after a Liverpool FC beach ball struck a Darren Bent shot and helped it into the net.

It has been a nightmare week for the man who threw the novelty gift, but he believes his record speaks in his defence.

“I’ve been doing this for years and one blip like this won’t affect me,” Mark Evans declared at his press conference this morning.

“I’m confident in my ability to lob an inflatable and I know that this was a one in 100 mistake.

“What really gets to me is that the press only want to know when it goes wrong. Nobody runs stories about my triumphs and I proved at Stoke that I can land a blow-up banana on a sixpence. I’ll be back for the Lyon game and I have every confidence I will deliver.”

Meanwhile, the beach ball has been given an honorary season ticket at the Stadium of Light and will do a lap of honour before the next home game against Aston Villa.

Milan concede Leonardo may have to be sacked / shot

2009-10-16T03:58:00.000-07:00

Milan sporting director Adriano Galliani has conceded that he is weighing up the merits of a gangland hit on clueless Brazilian coach Leonardo.

After the departure of all-conquering tactical mastermind Carlo Ancelotti, the Rossoneri turned to lank-haired rookie Leonardo, who lost his surname in a card school at the 1994 World Cup.

Leonardo hasn’t made the ideal start to life on the bench with his men losing to FC Zurich and Udinese as well as being disembowelled in the Milan derby.

Sporting director Adriano Galliani has been quick to make excuses for the troubled tactician, who has an ageing, swarthy squad but now he seems to be losing patience.

“The current results aren’t good enough and although we have complete faith in Leonardo we are considering firing him or having him picked off,” Galliani declared in an interview with La Gazzetta dello Sport.

“In order to protect the image of the club we will be giving Leonardo a couple of weeks to sort things out, but he knows that another defeat will see him perish in a hail of bullets.”

A poll on Datasport.it revealed that 40 per cent of readers would like to see Leonardo ‘settled’, 30 per cent voted to save the floundering boss, while the other 30 per cent ticked the ‘mah beh + shrug of indifference’ button.

Moderate success drives Maradona into inexplicable angry frenzy

2009-10-15T04:10:00.000-07:00

Unhinged Argentina coach Diego Maradona saved his job by scrounging World Cup qualification with victory over Uruguay last Wednesday but may lose his job after performing the ultimate angry celebration.

Maradona managed to guide a star-studded squad of world-beating stars to South Africa by dint of being the fourth best team in South America.

Enraged by media suggestions that any idiot could do the job just as well with Lionel Messi and Co. at their disposal, Maradona politely turned down the chance to show dignity in the face of modest vindication and proceeded to “lose his shit” on live national TV.

In a four-minute interview the curious little man vented his grievances against Argentine journalists, Uruguay (and especially its female population), drugs in sport, FIFA and woeful Only Fools And Horses spin-off ‘The Green, Green Grass’.

While FIFA chief Sepp Blatter has indicated he agreed with Maradona’s measured criticisms of the jaded vehicle for two of Only Fools And Horses’ weaker characters, he has been forced to launch an investigation into the other targets for Diego’s rage.

The outburst has cast fresh doubts over whether Maradona will lead Argentina to next summer’s World Cup, where they will light up the group stages before letting indiscipline cost them dear in a quarter-final loss to Germany.

Maradona has refused to comment on his future except to mumble that the situation is “all a conspiracy created by the Mafia or NASA or someone.”

Shoe polish manufacturer exposes Humphrey’s ‘blacking up plot’

2009-10-12T02:43:00.000-07:00

A tip-off from leading boot-polish company Kiwi has unearthed a plan by BBC bits-and-pieces man Jake Humphrey to ‘black up’ in order to garner increased air time at the 2010 World Cup.

South Africa will become the first African nation to host football’s biggest event next summer and if the Confederations Cup is anything to go by (which it isn’t) it will be a feast of unappetising fixtures, strange results and deafening horns.

The BBC intend to take nearly six million staff to the event, using the compulsory license fee levied on UK residents for the right to watch anaemic bilge like The One Show and Strictly Come Dancing and adverts telling us how much we like watching The One Show and Strictly Come Dancing.

However, the amount of face time the BBC’s anchors accrue is up for grabs. While the unbearably smug faces of Lineker, Hansen and Lawrenson are guaranteed the hours they demand, the lesser lights are fighting for every minute they can get.

A leaked memo in Broadcasting House last week stressed the need to ‘treat this like the African Cup of Nations and have loads of black guys in the studio with it being in Africa and all’.

It also outlined plans to ‘get Garth Crooks out there in a garish t-shirt’ and ‘put Marcel Desailly pitch-side so he can bellow gibberish and refer to both sides as ‘we’.’

This top-secret document seems to have found its way to former kids TV man Humphrey, who laboured his way through last year’s African Cup of Nations, prompting him to take desperate measures.

An insider at Kiwi told us: “We received a bulk order from Mr Humphrey and the girl on the phone remembered it because he kept asking if it was safe to use it on human skin.

“When she said she wasn’t sure, he told her: ‘You see I’m a struggling BBC presenter looking to break through in football with limited credentials and no discernable appeal. I feel I’d have a better chance of getting segments at next year’s World Cup if I can temporarily use this polish to appear black.’ That was when she told us she thought something funny was going on.”

Grant brought in to 'scare bejesus out of doomed Hart'

2009-10-08T04:24:00.000-07:00

Struggling Portsmouth have confirmed that they have brought in former Chelsea manager Avram Grant to “stare at Paul Hart during the month or so leading up to his inevitable dismissal.’

Portsmouth have surprisingly suffered a poor start to the season after making the bold decision to sell off all but three of their players in the summer.

A desperate Hart finally secured his first three points of the campaign last weekend but that achievement hasn’t been enough to prevent the arrival of permanently glum toad-like Israeli coach Avram Grant.

Grant arrives at Fratton Park with the meaningless title of director of football, but Pompey chief executive Peter Storrie has clarified that the new man’s appointment is the equivalent of the infamous vote of confidence.

“We have absolute belief in Paul Hart’s ability to lead the ragbag assortment of nearly-men and malcontents to survival in the most demanding league in the world,” he insisted.

“But we just felt that Hart would benefit from living in the imposing shadow of his potential replacement. Nothing helps an under-fire figure do his job to the best of his ability more than knowing he can be replaced at any second.”

The club also confirmed that Grant will be observing all training sessions and team-talks as well as living in Hart’s spare bedroom and joining him on Hart family outings.

Meanwhile, Portsmouth’s new owner Ali Al-Faraj has buoyed fans with the promise of an “indiscriminate deluge of cash to allow the management to pay over the odds for players like Kevin Nolan.”

Le Tissier bags Booker Prize

2009-10-07T02:40:00.000-07:00

Former Southampton talisman Matthew Le Tissier has been named the winner of the Man Booker Prize for his stunning debut ‘Taking Le Tiss’.

The now-pudgy Channel Islander beat fierce competition from the likes of J.M. Coetzee, A.S. Byatt and Adam Foulds to claim the coveted award after his beautifully crafted autobiography wowed the panel.

“Le Tissier’s work has a vast narrative sweep that gleams on every page with luminous and mesmerising detail,” chairman of judges James Naughtie explained.

“It’s a challenging book. The narrative technique is innovative and the scope is vast. It’s a book that demands hard work, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

“I don’t like to make provocative comparisons, but I would place ‘Taking Le Tiss’ on a par with the great Ashley Cole masterpiece ‘My Defence’”.

A delighted Le Tissier gave an emotional acceptance speech in which he paid homage to the books that influenced him such as Albert Camus’ ‘L’Etranger’, John dos Passos’ ‘Manhattan Transfer’ and Alan Shearer’s 1999 page-turner ‘My Story So Far’.

Le Tissier also revealed that his next book would be an existentialist exploration of the meaning of identity with the working title ‘Faking Le Tiss’.

Lambert puts Europe's 123rd biggest competition above BBC's second best hospital-based drama

2009-10-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

Norwich City manager Paul Lambert has expressed his disappointment at goalkeeper Michael Theoklitos’ decision to skip the JP Trophy clash against Gillingham stressing: ‘it’s not like anyone wanted to be there.”

The Canaries were left with just four substitutes for the clash in English football’s fourth most important club competition but still managed to record a 1-0 win to book another inconvenient date with a lower league side in mid-week.

Theoklitos’ only Norwich appearance to date came on the opening day of the season in a 7-1 demolition at home to Colchester United – a game that caused the dissolution of Bryan Gunn.

“I was literally just heading out the door when I saw an advert for Holby City,” the 28-year-old explained.

“I just couldn’t wait for iPlayer, I had to know how Chrissie would deal with her miscarriage.

“Oh yeah, and I wasn’t all that keen to go to one of Britain’s least glamorous destinations to contest a meaningless middle-round dirge fest on a rainy mid-week night, especially after the way it turned out last time I played.”

Norwich boss Lambert seemed unconvinced by the ‘keeper’s excuse and stressed that he expects his men to sacrifice even BBC’s flagship dramas for the chance of Johnstone’s Paint glory.

“I’m livid, mostly because I really didn’t want to go but I did, and so did the other players,” Lambert roared.

“Like everyone else I was worried about the prospect of a new CEO on Holby’s Darwin Ward and spent a lot of the evening dwelling on that, but I made the thankless trip to a godforsaken part of the country for a negligible win.”

Tsunami victims 'moved and humbled' by Cahill's tribute

2009-10-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

Survivors of the tsunami which devastated Samoa this week have spoken of their relief and gratitude after Tim Cahill's goal celebration, following his winner against BATE Borisov, went a long way towards relieving the suffering caused by the natural disaster.

The Australian striker - who represented Samoa as a schoolboy - mimed paddling a canoe after his 80th minute strike had given Everton victory in the latest of the 972 matches making up this season's Europa League, and later explained that he intended the gesture as a mark of respect to the many islanders who lost their lives or homes in the catastrophic events. But the explanation was hardly necessary for the delighted Samoans, who hailed the celebration as 'exactly what we needed after a tough week'.

'This is really good of Cahill,' said Sammy Massa, whose house was destroyed by the flood-waters on Wednesday. 'Having spent the past 48 hours sleeping amongst the rubble of my former belongings and appealing for news of my loved ones, I was in two minds about watching BATE Borisov v Everton at all. I felt like I could probably put the ninety minutes to better use foraging for food, or something like that. But when I saw Cahill pretend to be in a boat, I knew it was worth it.'

Other survivors reported 'strong feelings of optimism' after the Everton hitman's efforts. 'It's given us a big lift,' one community leader remarked as he rigged a tarpaulin to shelter a family of twelve. 'Food and clothes and things are all very well, but you can't beat getting a mention in the Europa League. Especially after they'd come from behind and everything. That showed a lot of courage.'

Cahill has previously mimed being in handcuffs to show solidarity with his brother, following his imprisonment, and in the wake of 9/11 he showed his support for New Yorkers by miming a fireman bravely entering the Twin Towers only to be beaten back by the heat.

Hart ‘will drop pants for points’

2009-10-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Shocked passers by have reported that Portsmouth manager Paul Hart has spent much of the week begging outside Old Trafford in the hope of scavenging his first point of the season.

Hart, who is noted for having a forehead like an Ordinance Survey map, has been entrusted with the task of rearranging the deckchairs on Pompey’s sinking ship.

The incomprehensible northerner has been hindered by a shortage of footballers, a still more acute shortage of decent footballers and a complete lack of decent footballers who want to play for his team.

As a result, Portsmouth find themselves cut adrift at the bottom with BBC’s Final Score already putting an ‘R’ next to their name.

The air of crisis intensified when Hart failed to turn up to training this week and the mood at Fratton Park hasn’t been helped by the news that the manager has spent the last three days begging outside Old Trafford.

“It was actually really embarrassing to watch,” a Manchester United fan told journalists as he left the Champions League win over Wolfsburg.

“Hart was curled up on some cardboard boxes and he kept shouting to Sir Alex [Ferguson] and the Wolfsburg bloke [Armin Veh] that he just needed a point.

“He was going on saying that they had loads and that just one would keep a roof over his head. There were even signs he had scrawled on boxes saying things like, ‘Have a Hart: Give Paul a point’ and ‘Will drop pants for points’. I just couldn’t help thinking there must be a better way of going about things.”

A-League chief: Oh, who are we kidding?

2009-09-28T04:52:00.000-07:00

The future of Australia’s A-League looks bleak after competition chief Archie Fraser admitted in a TV interview that even he was having trouble following this season.

Australians have embraced the Socceroos and will willingly watch an international match. But the domestic game is generally ignored if there’s a game of footy (Rugby League), footy (Australian Rules Football) or footy (cricket) on.

Aside from the fierce competition for spectators, the A-League has been hindered by its quasi-erotic name, many poorly named teams with purple or orange kits and Robbie Fowler.

With six games of the new season played and crowds already dropping off, A-League boss Archie Fraser hasn’t helped to steady the ship.

“Look, I’ve not really been watching myself,” he roared at smirking journalists.

“It’s all Central Coast Mariners this and Gold Coast United that. One team from New Zealand just thrown in. Honestly, who cares? I just can’t get into it. I mean North Queensland, where even is that?”

Uncommitted Campbell to link up with world’s most demanding manager in incomprehensible marriage of inconvenience

2009-09-26T04:55:00.000-07:00

Sol Campbell is edging closer to a move to Roy Keane’s Ipswich Town with both parties happily predicting a “messy contract rescission after a few weeks, if not days.”

Ipswich are short of players after psychotic ex-beardy man Keane told 90 percent of the squad they would never play for him again following a sluggish start to the season.

Meanwhile, Campbell is again without a club after significantly reducing his commitment to Notts County from five years to seven days.

And Keane has made his interest clear, stressing that he would love nothing more than to snap up the England international and fall out publicly with him.

“I’m really keen to sign Sol,” Keane stressed. “I demand 100 per cent commitment from my lads and when I don’t get what I consider to be 100 per cent I start a vicious public spat and sack them.

“Bringing in Sol would give me a great opportunity to be disappointed by, start a training ground fracas with, and curtail the career of, one of the best central defenders in the country.”

Campbell, who has stated that he “would quite like to find a new club, I suppose’, also seems happy with the Portman Road option.

“Ipswich would work I guess,” he yawned. “Really anywhere’s fine. I’ll just have a kick around, get to know the lads and if I don’t like it I can always leave under a cloud, no biggie.”

UN Summit: Gaddafi demands explanation for Jermaine Jenas

2009-09-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK—In an hour-long address before assembled UN diplomats on Wednesday, Libyan leader Muammar al-Gadaffi called on the international community to come clean over years of alleged Jermaine Jenas.

“For years the United Nations has done nothing, despite repeated instances of Jenas”, claimed the eccentric premier, who seized power forty years ago in a coup d’etat.

“We are told there are secret documents that justify Jenas, but there can be no justification. He is not a defensive midfielder. He is not an attacking midfielder. He is nothing but an imperialist nonsense.”

After a rambling, twenty-minute digression that took in topics from the Iraq war to the versatility of shoe polish, Gaddafi resumed his denunciation of the Nottingham-born 26-year old. “This is Tottenham”, he said, arranging his microphone, water glass and the contents of his pockets into a rough 4-4-2 formation.

He then asked delegates if anyone present could explain the frequent outbreaks of Jenas, “the insidious spectre created by Israel, probably, to blight the rest of the world”.

Colonel Gadaffi has previously demanded a permanent seat for Libya on the UN Security Council, the abolition of Switzerland, and the reinstatement of Livingston into the Scottish First Division.

Jermaine Jenas has played in the English top flight for seven years, according to reliable sources, though he is best known for a brief appearance in the 2005 film ‘Goal’.

Manchester Derby Still Going On

2009-09-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

More than 72 hours after it kicked off at Old Trafford, Sunday's eventful derby between arrogant superpower Manchester United and arrogant non-superpower Manchester City was still going on last night, weary supporters reported. Using Twitter, Facebook and other means of communicating with the outside world, fans of both clubs appealed for the game to be brought to an end as United went 45-44 ahead, Darren Fletcher scoring from a header after being left unmarked at a corner for the eleventh time by City's expensive back four.

'Atkinson [match referee, seen above encouraging Kolo Toure to stay awake] has now played 4,360 minutes injury time,' reads one fan's Twitter post. 'Third official only held up three on the board.'

With the teams level at 25-25 around three in the morning on Tuesday, officials seemed on the point of bringing the game to an end, but the sight of a furious Sir Alex Ferguson on the sidelines, pointing to his watch, deterred them for long enough for Ryan Giggs - wearing his pyjamas and carrying a mug of cocoa - to put United ahead for the twenty-sixth time.

The match, still in progress at the time of going to press, is still some way short of the record: United's 2005 win over Middlesbrough, when they came back from a three-goal deficit after referee Mark Halsey controversially played a week of injury time after a game with few stoppages. But the FA's refereeing guru Keith Hackett has defended Atkinson's timekeeping, saying: '4,360 minutes might sound like a lot of injury time, but you've got to remember City took their time over several throw-ins'.

Carling Cup: Coyle wakes up in cold sweat realising Barnsley defeat was giant-killing

2009-09-23T03:35:00.000-07:00

Burnley boss Owen Coyle has told journalists of the terrifying moment when he realised last night's Carling Cup exit at the hands of Championship side Barnsley could be labelled a "cup shock".

The Premier League new boys came unstuck against Mark Robins' Tykes on an evening of true northern grit at Oakwell that saw 14 Burnley players injured by no-nonsense tackles and scores of fans get hypothermia while bleating incomprehensibly at events on the pitch.

With the two sides having had similar fortunes in football's recent history, it was perhaps not immediately apparent that the result was in fact an enormous feat of giant-killing for Barnsley.

"It seemed just like a normal defeat to me," Burnley manager Coyle growled this morning screwing up his tear-stained cheeks.

"But I woke up in a cold sweat at 5am and it hit me that technically we had been giant-killed. I sent an email to the FA and they confirmed that this was a 'fairytale David and Goliath story.'

"Obviously I'm gutted and also stunned because you do tend to expect cup shocks to involve an unglamorous side upsetting a team of recognisable world-class stars, here it was more a case of functional underachieving Championship players narrowly beating functional overachieving Premier League newcomers."

FIFA demands age tests as Nigerian Under-17 squad displays 'love of Volvos, worrying knowledge of 80's power ballads'

2009-09-17T03:33:00.000-07:00

Nigeria's Under-17 squad may have to take MRI bone scans ahead of October's World Cup as FIFA investigate claims that several of the players are "the wrong side of 40" following a team-bonding karaoke session last weekend.

There is a strong tradition of Nigerian players using false passports when moving to Europe in order to raise their value.

The most notable example is former Newcastle United nearly man Obafemi Martins who famously divided his age by two and subtracted three when he signed for Inter in 2002 at the official age of 18.

The latest furore has come as Nigeria prepares to host the Under-17 World Cup after more than half the squad were unable to present documents proving their age.

And the problem has intensified with claims that a number of the players are not in fact young prospects but jaded veterans.

Suspicions were raised when a group of players showed up to a team bonding night in Volvos and the whispers intensified when members of the squad performed seamless versions of 'Here I Go Again' by Whitesnake and 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley while nursing half-pints before leaving at 10pm when the music was "turned up too loud".

"Sure we have had our doubts about ages," Nigerian Football Federation chief Sani Lulu admitted. "It's inevitable when some of your Under-11 lads are already shaving and your Under-21s remember the Moon landings.

"But we just kept quiet because it's really hard to find genuine 16-year-olds who are any good. Kids are really bad at everything."

Triesman Harpoons Warnock's Car

2009-09-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

In a development that has fuelled rumours of a massive personal vendetta against him, Neil Warnock has accused FA chairman Lord Triesman of firing a harpoon into his car.

The temperamental Crystal Palace manager has seen his week go from bad to worse following a humiliating 4-0 home defeat to Scunthorpe United, which saw his side booed off by disgruntled fans.

Last week Sheffield United ‘keeper Paddy Kenny was given an eight-month ban from professional sport as punishment for openly associating with Warnock for a period of five years.

And earlier today the habitually seething 60-year old tactician was facing a hefty hike in his insurance premiums after a long spearlike implement was pulled from his vehicle. No-one was hurt, according to a Crystal Palace spokesman, though Warnock nemesis Triesman, 65, was caught on CCTV scurrying away from the scene in a suspicious manner.

“The rear left door of the Neilmobile has been wrecked by what appears to be a toggling harpoon,” said an Eagles press officer, referring to Warnock’s stricken Suzuki Liana. “This is yet another example of the FA’s 40-year campaign to victimise Neil for their own perverted entertainment.”

"Neil does not bear grudges for no reason at all”, the statement continued. “His tremulous fury is both reasonable and proportionate. The bloodless mandarins of Soho Square have only themselves to blame for incurring his wrath.”

Lord Triesman could not be reached for comment. An FA spokesman would neither confirm nor deny reports their chairman was injecting a containment of oranges bound for Selhurst Park with arsenic while sending abusive text messages to Warnock’s children.

Domenech under fire for making team put on play about missing out on World Cup on eve of Serbia qualifier

2009-09-11T01:21:00.000-07:00

The pressure is rising on eccentric France boss Raymond Domenech after members of his squad revealed they spent the week leading up to World Cup 2010 qualification draws with Romania and Serbia learning lines for a Domenech-directed stage show called 'Here Come The Blues - Goodbye South Africa'.

During his five-year reign over the French national side, Domenech has made some controversial decisions.

The keen amateur dramatist prematurely ended Robert Pires' international career because he 'didn't trust Scorpios', has repeatedly ignored David Trezeguet, Sebastien Frey and Philippe Mexes despite their outstanding performances in Serie A and famously handed the Faroe Islands a walkover in a qualifier because he 'felt an ill wind blowing.'

But the latest revelations about Domenech's oddball behaviour may be the final straw as Les Bleus struggle to secure a play-off place in Group 7.

It has come to light that rather than prepare for crunch matches against Romania and Serbia, Domenech penned a five-act musical drama, which he forced members of his squad to perform in.

Worse still, the play titled 'Here Come The Blues - Goodbye South Africa' tells the story of a fading football superpower failing to qualify for the 2010 World Cup after becoming overly reliant on ageing stars, not putting away the weaker opponents in the group and struggling to understand the often baffling tactical decisions of the manager (played by Domenech).

"Quite a few of us were up really late trying to learn lines for the big performance on Wednesday night (the night of France's 1-1 draw with Serbia)," Thierry Henry explained.

"We kept saying that maybe we should be doing some tactical drills, but the gaffer (Domenech) was only interested in getting the musical finale perfect."

"I had mixed feelings," goalkeeper Hugo Lloris, who was dismissed in the 12th minute for hauling down Milan Jovanovich in the box, admitted.

"It was a technically dazzling, emotionally charged production that we put on and I was proud to be a part of it. But, on the other hand, maybe we should have been focusing on trying to qualify for the actual World Cup rather than doing a play about failing to reach it - I suppose those are the tough decisions that managers have to make."

Redknapp among suspects as transfer window is broken

2009-09-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

Police confirmed today that they are speaking to 'a number of Premier League managers' as they attempt to unravel the mystery of the transfer window, which was found shattered yesterday afternoon, plunging British football into chaos.

The window, which was closed for the autumn last week, prevents clubs from conducting transfer business for most of the season, after being introduced several seasons ago for reasons nobody really understands. Made of specially reinforced glass, its alleged magical powers - which include the ability to make players appear far more valuable than they are - had made it one of the most popular glass fittings in the modern game. But FA officials visiting Soho Square for a liquid lunch with FA Cup sponsors E.ON yesterday were shocked to find that it had been broken, seemingly by someone seeking to conduct an unauthorised deal.

'It's a sad day for the game,' said an FA spokesman. 'Without the transfer window, we're back in the Dark Ages of football when clubs could try to do deals at any time, just like in any other business in the world, rather than being constrained by an arbitrary limitation.' The spokesman promised that the perpetrator would be punished to 'the full, feeble extent of the FA's powers'. 'Any club found to have a connection with this incident could be fined up to £1,000 and forced to field a serious side in the Carling Cup.'

Suspicion has inevitably fallen upon Harry Redknapp, a popular theory among bloggers being that he inadvertently broke the glass while trying to force lanky centre-forward Roman Pavlyuchenko through it. But Redknapp, speaking to journalists at the dog track, denied any knowledge of the incident. 'The window? That thing's been dodgy for years, mate. Accident waiting to happen.'

Redknapp added: 'It was probably Benitez or one of them other foreign ones that done it.'

Bilic takes time out from howling at moon to mumble incomprehensibly about 'Englishness'

2009-09-09T01:57:00.000-07:00

England's preparations for their must-win-but-probably-doesn't matter-if-they-don't World Cup 2010 qualifier against Croatia have ground to a halt while the leading minds in the country try to decipher the meaning of Slaven Bilic's latest press conference.

Bilic, who is more wolf than man, is a master of mind-games and famously tied the hapless Steve McClaren in knots before the two sides met in a Euro 2008 qualification decider to the extent where the England boss turned up to Wembley with a Croatia shirt on.

While the inscrutable Fabio Capello may be a tougher nut to crack, the Italian's Lego-man face surely betrayed some confusion as Bilic murmured apparently contradictory epithets and chewed on a grasshopper.

"England have lost some of their Englishness," the rabid tactician claimed. "This is not an insult but a compliment."

Bilic's comments have thrown the FA into panic as they try and work out whether or not the England side 'have a point to prove' and if they should come out 'like a raging bull' against the Croats.

An emergency meeting of the nation's leading psychologists called late last night hasn't yet produced a definite ruling on what Bilic said and this morning's training session was cancelled after Frank Lampard's attempts to solve the riddle resulted in the Chelsea midfielder lapsing into a trance-like state and losing bowel function.

After spectacularly soiling Georgian clean sheet, Kaladze homes in on own hat-trick

2009-09-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

Georgia captain Kakha Kaladze was in a bullish mood after helping Italy to a World Cup 2010 qualification win in Tblisi with two superb own goals on his return from injury.

The world champions looked short of ideas at the Boris Palchadze Stadium and at one point managed 135 uninterrupted passes for a cumulative gain of eight yards before Vincenzo Iaquinta sneezed and sent the ball into touch.

But Marcello Lippi's men had an ace up their sleeve in Georgia defender Kaladze, who marked his return to action after six months off with a knee problem by putting through his own net twice when there seemed to be no threat at all.

"It's great to be back," the skipper beamed at bemused journalists. "Sure I have a few kinks to iron out, but all in all it was a really nice evening.

"I got to stretch my legs, get the heart going a bit and see all my mates. I had a great time. Hey, I even got it in a couple of times, even if it was the wrong end! Funny how it goes..."

After claiming he could "get even more goals playing like this", the unrepentant Kaladze had to be escorted from the room by police as angry members of the Georgian press pack threw pencils at him. However, Kaladze's crazed performance has won him friends in Serie A, especially at San Siro.

"It gave us tremendous confidence to have Kaladze there on the edge of the box," club teammate Gianluca Zambrotta enthused in an interview for Italian TV.

"We just felt that any ball into the middle could be deadly - he's that kind of player, he makes things happen," he concluded as showgirls licked whipped cream off his thigh.

Kaladze's next outing may be a friendly against Iceland tomorrow evening and all the pre-match talk has revolved around whether the prolific defender can manage the Holy Grail of an own hat-trick.

Angry Chelsea 'will fight for their right to buy success'

2009-09-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

Chelsea today confirmed that they would appeal against a 'completely unfair' FIFA ruling which, if upheld, will force them to stop throwing billions of dubiously-earned oil money around and compete on equal terms with the rest of the football world.

After illegally capturing Gael Kaukta from Lyon by negotiating secretly with his parents just three months after his conception, Chelsea were sensationally hit with a transfer ban which prevents them from buying any more silverware until 2011. But super-rich owner Roman Abramovic, who picked up Chelsea as a briefly amusing toy in 2003, vowed that the Blues would 'fight tooth and nail to regain our right to trample the rest of the football world underfoot'.

'It's completely insane,' said Abramovic, speaking from the back of an elephant which was flown in from Africa to take him down the King's Road for a Sunday shopping spree. 'What are we meant to do if we can't buy the cream of international talent? We'd be reduced to bringing players through our youth system, working hard to improve the ones we've got, and engendering a genuine team spirit. I mean, no disrespect, but fuck all that.'

Abramovic added that attempting to succeed by 'things like training, tactics and sheer hard work' was 'all very well for these people like Stoke and Wigan', but 'not part of the Chelsea ethos'.

'We have a proud tradition of forking out £25m a time to parade international stars in front of our increasingly uninterested fans,' said the Russian, as his 100-strong entourage set about purchasing luxury goods on his behalf. 'We are not suddenly going to start playing by the same rules as everyone else.'

The vaguely-interested-in-football billionaire also dismissed rumours that Chelsea were investigated on three more charges of tapping up players, including 9-year-old Spanish prodigy Francisco Perez, whom they allegedly lured away from Seville by offering him several Nintendo Wii games and buying the borough of Kensington for the exclusive use of his family.

Argentina unexpectedly undone by decision to appoint troubled loon as coach

2009-09-07T00:56:00.000-07:00

Argentine football is in shock after another World Cup 2010 qualification defeat against Brazil left Diego Maradona's men needing a win from one of their next three games if they are to avoid the terrifying possibility of a play-off with Costa Rica or someone like that.

The decision to appoint Maradona as national coach in November 2008 met with some criticism as the dwarven playmaker genius/revolting drug-addled cheat had very little management experience and a tendency to do stupid things to get attention.

The naysayers seem to have been proven correct. Maradona has inspired little confidence, often naming 11 strikers in his starting line-up and, infamously, selecting five of his 1990 World Cup teammates, a trio of famous Argentine poets, several characters from children's books and a type of cheese to face Bolivia.

Fortunately for Maradona, South American qualification is a tiresome affair with four teams qualifying by right and another simply needing to whale on some CONCACAF cannon fodder to book their place. It's a system that has enabled Paraguay to bore the world for the last three competitions and it should allow the demented Diego to save his job for the time being.

Nonetheless there are a few question marks over Maradona's future and the Argentine Football Association has admitted that for the first time in recent memory they may consider sane candidates for the job.

The rumour mill in Buenos Aires has gone into overdrive after reports that Terry Butcher was seen entering AFA headquarters late last night.

Le Tissier's darkest confession: I was fed answer on Countdown

2009-09-04T05:18:00.000-07:00

Enigmatic former Southampton star Matt Le Tissier continues to spew forth truths from every orifice and revelations that he took part in spread betting during his football career have been overshadowed by the shocking confession that he was provided with an answer on Countdown.

In his highly-rated autobiography, 'Taking Le Tiss', which was labelled 'the debut of one of the most original and seriously funny narrative voices in recent times,' by Sean O'Hagan of the Observer, Le Tissier admitted to betting on the time of the first throw-in during Southampton's 2-0 win over Wimbledon in April 1995.

While the nation seems willing to forgive the inconsistent playmaker for his betting shame, the latest bombshell that Le Tissier didn't in fact solve the numbers game on Countdown at the start of July may prove harder to swallow.

"I just wanted to be accepted by the academic community," Le Tissier explained, looking much like a scarecrow as ever.

"I wanted my book (Taking Le Tiss) to be treated like a new release from the likes of Jonathan Franzen or Phillip Roth, so I got them to tell me the answer."

Le Tissier's scheduled appearance on BBC's The Culture Show to promote his book 'Taking Le Tiss' may now be pulled.

Dunne Pulled Unharmed From Collapsed Transfer Vortex

2009-09-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

Premier League officials have expressed their “profound relief” after Richard Dunne was pulled alive from the transfer vortex that collapsed just after 5.00pm yesterday.

The Irish centre-back had been attempting to travel through the quantum wormhole from Manchester City to Aston Villa when it began to fluctuate violently.

As representatives of both clubs tried desperately to bring the player to safety, the vortex imploded, leaving no trace of itself or of Dunne except for some ambiplasma and a smattering of condensed tachyons.

“At that point we feared the worst”, said Villa assistant manager John Robertson. “We knew stuff had happened in the past, like Preben Elkjaer leaving Lokeren in the 1984 vortex and turning up at Verona six years younger."

"Or that time when Giuliano Giannichedda and Stefano Fiore entered a vortex together and emerged as a single player with eight limbs and two heads. But you don’t expect that sort of thing to happen in this day and age.”

Fortunately Villa Park nanotechnicians were able to temporarily re-open the vortex and tractorbeam the defender to safety. He is said to be shaken but unharmed. The superluminal hyperyacht in which he was travelling was written off, however.

FA scientists expect the vortex to re-open in approximately three months’ time.

Rotherham under fire after away teams find nails, U2 fans on Don Valley Stadium pitch

2009-09-02T03:51:00.000-07:00

Huddersfield Town are ready to follow Rochadale in making an official complaint to the FA at the state of Rotherham United's pitch with manager Lee Clark comparing the Don Valley turf to 'someone's living room after a house party'.

After moving out of their traditional home Millmoor due to a dispute with the landlords, Rotherham have taken up temporary residence in the 25,000-seater Don Valley Stadium.

While the lack of cover, the 15,000 plus empty seats every week and the 200m gap between supporters and the action have caused minor nuisance, the ground playing host to large music gigs is a larger headache.

The visit of unremarkable, Irish three-chord assemblers U2 on August 20 has taken its toll on the pitch.

Rochdale complained at finding pieces of glass and nails, but Huddersfield were even more irate during last night's Johnstone's Paint Trophy epic when goal scorer Robbie Simpson was upended by a bass amp and midfielder Jim Goodwin spent much of the second half trying to direct stoned gig-goers home.

"It was a disgraceful situation," Terriers' boss Clark scowled. "The place looked like someone's living room after a house party.

"There were pizza boxes, hundreds of empty cans of beer, hundreds of half-empty cans of beer and a few sheepish red-eyed couples sleeping on a pile of coats."

Growing frustration at Nou Camp as Barcelona again fail to attract commercial sponsor

2009-08-31T14:04:00.000-07:00

European champions Barcelona started the 2009-10 La Liga season with a comfortable 3-0 win over Sporting Gijon, but president Joan Laporta admitted any joy was overshadowed by failing to find a lucrative sponsorship deal in pre-season.

Member-owned Catalan giants Barcelona have been wearing the Unicef logo since 2006 and offer the charity free advertising space on their shirts.

"We'd love a proper sponsor," Laporta lamented. "I just can't understand why we can't seem to get one, it's embarrassing.

"We thought we had a deal with Staybrite Windows but that fell through and then we were sat by the phone all summer - nothing else came up, so it's bloody Unicef again. "

Barcelona aren't the only giants of the football world without a sponsorship deal, even West Brom are currently without a deal.

Pleat's record tumbles as ESPN delivers devastating deluge of mispronunciation

2009-08-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

It's been an exciting opening to the Serie A season but a tough one for fans of names being said correctly after ESPN's commentators delivered a terrifying statement of intent with a dizzying display of mispronunciation.

Feeding on the rotting carcass of kamikaze channel Setanta, ESPN has scrounged the rights to a significant number of European Leagues, including Serie A.

While UK-based calcio lovers were delighted by the news, the enthusiasm has faded somewhat after ESPN's far from convincing start to the campaign.

Italians across the country winced during Roma-Juventus when the hapless commentary team butchered the names of 20 of the 22 starting players, running up a fearsome total of 128 mispronunciations - shattering the previous record of 115 set by verbose ITV boob David Pleat.

ESPN will be red-faced at their lack of research, but their representatives will surely claim that Pleat's total was more embarrassing as he chalked it up during an all-English Champions League clash between Chelsea and Liverpool.

Pleat, who famously once took 75 minutes to pronounce Bixente Lizarazu's name, was fortunately unavailable for comment.

Squirming Moyes 'pretty certain he remembers Bilyaletdinov at Euro 2008'

2009-08-28T08:50:00.001-07:00

While most of the blue half of Merseyside has given Diniyar Bilyaletdinov a muted reception, Everton boss David Moyes is over the moon at signing a man he is "pretty sure" was part of Russia's Euro 2008 limited success story.

Everton have suffered a less than ideal start to the season and are rueing the loss of money-loving, best-of-a-bad-bunch defender Jolean Lescott.

The Toffees have invested a chunk of the £22.5m Manchester City paid for Lescott in Russian midfielder Bilyaletdinov, who arrived in Liverpool with very little fanfare, possibly due to his unpronouncable name, unremarkable career to date and indistinct face.

But while the supporters may take some convincing, Moyes was full of praise for the new boy, who played a small part for a Russia side that made an impact on the international stage for the first time since the Cold War.

"I think I saw him playing for Russia in Euro 2008," the Scottish boss stammered.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure it was him. They did all look alike mind, they were all in red with young, boyish, slightly flushed faces and floppy, ungroomed hair. But I'm confident he's one of them, yeah..."

Speaking through a translator, Bilyaletdinov declared that he was 'honoured' to have signed for Everton.

However, the mood changed when Diniyar was asked whether he feared people would have trouble with his name, as the new recruit would only mutter: "I have a lot of people who will take care of me here. They will see that my enemies will disappear into the shadows."

List of players who will never play under Keane grows to almost all players ever

2009-08-27T03:57:00.001-07:00

Terrifying psychopath and Ipswich Town manager Roy Keane is facing a selection crisis for this weekend's fixture against Preston after adding still more names to the list of players he will never consider for selection.

Keane, whose playing career was punctuated by acts of savage brutality, has fairly unsurprisingly taken a pugnacious approach to management.

Reduced to a growling wreck by a miserable start to the season at Ipswich, the ferocious Irishman opted wield the axe (thankfully, figuratively rather than literally, as he frequently did during his time at Sunderland) after a Carling Cup exit at the hands of Peterborough.

While there were mercifully few casualties, Keane has told almost good striker John Stead and midfielders Owen Garvan and Alan Quinn that they won't be considered for selection from now on.

Including the latest outcasts, 23 of Keane's 25 players have now been frozen out, leaving the fiery tactician with a numbers problem. Cowering goalkeeper Richard Wright is expected to take to the field with just Alex Bruce for company at Portman Road on Saturday but Keane himself has promised to bring some boots.

Reports suggest that Keane is planning to enter the market for new recruits, but this could be a tough process given his well-documented grudges against over 2,000 Premier League and Football League players, most other managers, agents and mascots.

Ipswich chairman Marcus Evans has stressed his complete support for Keane, but was heard mumbling: "Who would have thought a borderline maniac with a notoriously short fuse would fall out with so many players?"

Brain-dead scum attack brain-dead scum after expected victory in pointless Cup

2009-08-26T05:07:00.000-07:00

For the first time in memory, the Carling Cup captured the nation's attention last night as London's human vermin used the tie between West Ham and Millwall as a chance to trash large parts of East London.

The news that the two sides had been paired together in the second round draw brought about a mass exodus of the area surrounding Upton Park earlier in the month as thousands of homeowners sold up, bringing property prices crashing to a record low.

And the pessimists were proved right as hundreds of dickheads, who could barely name a player in either side, fought running battles around the stadium.

On the pitch, Premier League outfit West Ham made hard work of seeing off an industrious Millwall side but won the game in extra-time, sentencing chimpish tactician Gianfranco Zola and Co. to another mid-week fixture with the possibility of several more draining mid-week dates and the outside chance of losing to Chelsea or Manchester United's reserves at Wembley in February.

Last night's events have cast yet another shadow on a grim, old tournament, but sponsors Carling were determined to take a positive view.

"It's nice to see that people really care about the Carling Cup," a spokesman insisted. "Of course tempers will flare when you have this much at stake.

"But in many ways what we saw was the perfect advert for the Carling Cup. A huge number of repugnant examples of humanity drinking Carling, watching mediocre football and behaving like animals."

Birmingham-Stoke victims to receive commemorative plaque

2009-08-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

Birmingham City Council have given the green light to plans to honour the 21,000 fans who witnessed last weekend's Birmingham City-Stoke City encounter at St Andrew's with a statue and plaque.

Experts had warned spectators to expect a drab battle between no-thrills yo-yo club Birmingham and long-throw dependent dirge peddlers Stoke, but Saturday's insipid contest exceeded all expectations.

As both sides demonstrated their terrifying lack of midfield creativity, fans at both ends began to find entertainment elsewhere. Some supporters fashioned a Monopoly board, one wrote an impressive series of gritty short stories and a few desperate souls even read Alex McLeish's programme notes.

It has now been confirmed that Birmingham will pay tribute to the fans, who endured the most miserable of Saturday afternoons, with a statute of two bored Brummies [pictured above] and a plaque containing the names of everyone present.

The FA have assured the football world that they have "no intention of making the clubs meet again" at the Britannia Stadium on December 28.

Redknapp tells Spurs players: Let's get carried away

2009-08-24T11:31:00.001-07:00

Tottenham Hotspur boss Harry Redknapp has taken an unusual approach to Spurs' baffling 100 percent start to the season, urging his players to "go out and let their hair down."

Perennial mid-table outfit Tottenham have opted for an unorthodox route to their standard 50 points this term with nine already clocked up in the first three outings.

While a number of senior players in N17 have stressed the need to keep their feet on the ground, seasoned campaigner and unlicensed Hackey Wick Market trader Redknapp seems to have adopted a different strategy.

The former Portsmouth, Southampton and Portsmouth manager was carried into training this morning on a sedan chair wearing shoes made of 24-carat gold accompanied by a gospel choir singing Queen classic "We Are The Champions."

After a 4-hour session that mostly consisted of drinking games using a magnum of 1990 Cristal Brut champagne, Redknapp left Spurs Lodge after instructing his troops to "go fucking mental, we got this in the bag."

Reo-Coker "will not shut up" about The Time Traveler's Wife

2009-08-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

Aston Villa midfielder Nigel Reo-Coker has become fixated on The Time Traveler’s Wife, the 2003 novel by Audrey Niffenegger, sources close to the club reported last night.

With last week’s release of the film version starring Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams, Reo-Coker’s enthusiasm for the bestselling romance novel, a present from his sister last Christmas, has reached an all-time high.

"Nigel asked me again if I’d finished it", team-mate Nicky Shorey told reporters. “I think he was a bit disappointed I hadn’t. He lent it to me about six months ago. I’ve read the first twenty pages two or three times, but to be honest I don’t get what he sees in it.”

"I actually think the one he lent me was brand new", added Shorey, fuelling speculation that the hard-running Reo-Coker may possess multiple copies of the escapist fantasy. "I know he’s lent it to Luke [Young] and Brad [Guzan], and I think Zat Knight still had a copy when he went to Bolton."

New signing Habib Beye shared a room with Reo-Coker as Villa travelled to Austria for a Europa League play-off against Rapid Vienna.

"The other lads seemed very keen to avoid Nigel", said the ex-Newcastle full-back. "He kept talking about how amazing it would be if during a match you travelled back in time and arrived in another match, like, ten years ago. I didn’t want to be rude so I let him talk and talk. I agreed to go and see the film with him tomorrow evening just so he'd shut up about it."

This is not the first time Reo-Coker has become obsessed with an emotionally-charged potboiler about life, love and human relationships. When he left West Ham in 2007 it was widely reported that his incessant praise for The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafòn had contributed significantly to the breakdown of his relationship with manager Alan Curbishley.

SERIE A WATCH: Siena fan throws tomato at chairman, sees it as springboard for bigger targets

2009-08-21T03:32:00.000-07:00

An angry fan who hit Siena President Giovanni Lombardi Stronati with a tomato during the presentation of the Robur's new squad has admitted that he dreams of throwing vegetables at more prestigious targets.

Aggrieved at his club selling their two best players for the 85th consecutive season, Siena supporter Michele Di Santo stunned observers watching festivities on Piazza Salimbeni by hurling a tomato from long range, hitting Stronati on the shoulder.

Speaking to Sky Italia hours after his wonder throw, Di Santo confessed his hope that his exploits in sleepy Siena have put him in the shop window.

"I love Siena - this is a very special place," the Tuscan talent stressed. "But, like anyone else, I dream of pitching mushrooms at Milan players or aubergines at Inter stars.

"It's only natural that I should think about my future and I feel I am ready to get angry about a much bigger club."

Siena begin their Serie A campaign by hosting Milan tomorrow evening. As ever, they will finish around 14th.

Blake overshadows Burnley's historic win with accidental 12th man revelation

2009-08-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Burnley secured a magical win over Manchester United last night courtesy of a Robbie Blake volley, but the goal hero's dedication to the '12th man' at Turf Moor last night has shed light on the shady side of the Clarets' recent success.

The FA's highly popular 'Season of Crazy Shit' has so far seen the unrealistic appointment of former England boss Sven-Goran Eriksson at Notts County, teams regularly scoring between five and seven goals and now the humbling of a global superpower by the ninth biggest team in Lancashire.

But Burnley's celebrations may be short-lived as match-winner Blake's declaration that "at home we have an extra man on the pitch," has sparked an FA investigation.

"Obviously Blake's just tried to make a heartfelt, albeit cliched, dedication to the supporters, but we decided it would be highly unprofessional if we didn't check this out," an FA insider told us.

"So we stayed up through the night watching every Burnley game from last season. What we found surprised us all - they did seem to have 12 men on the pitch.

"I'm not entirely sure where we go from here, but it certainly sheds some light on how such an unremarkable side were able to earn promotion and beat the second best team in Europe."

Manchester United maestro Sir Alex Ferguson is unlikely to sympathise with Burnley although the economical Scot has been known to field just 10 men instead of 11 by treating Rafael and Fabio as separate players when they are clearly the same man.

Rochdale have no answer to 140-year-old strike partnership

2009-08-19T04:16:00.000-07:00

Newly relegated League Two outfit Cheltenham Town recorded a last-gasp 1-0 win at Rochdale last night thanks to the efforts of two septuagenarian strikers.

As ever, all eyes were on the titanic tussle at Spotlands and a 90th-minute goal from Julian Alsop from a Barry Hayles assist proved decisive.

It was a moment of vindication for lively pensioner Alsop, who was beginning his second spell at the club. The gangly marksman's transfer had been greeted with suspicion by Robins fans, partly because he had been playing in a glorified pub team last season (Bishop's Cleeve) and partly because he once allegedly raped a youth player with a banana while at Oxford United.

But Alsop's aim was straight and true, just as his banana hand had been on that fateful day in 2004, and he moved within two goals of the club's all-time record league tally.

It was a tactical masterstroke from Town manager Martin 'Mad Dog' Allen, who knew the Rochdale defence would have no answer to the snail's pace of Hayles and Alsop.

"I don't know what any defender can do against them," Dale stopper Craig Dawson lamented.

"You try and keep focused but eventually Mr. Hayles' rambling war stories and Mr. Alsop moaning about his dentures got the better of me. I just dozed off and then he very slowly got past me and let fly. I have to admit I refused to repeat what the PA announcer was saying after the game for him because I was so frustrated."

Football was invented to anger volatile Sheffield man, FA confirms

2009-08-18T15:19:00.000-07:00

Hot on the heels of an apology from referee Rob Shoebridge, a statement from the FA has confirmed that the sole purpose of football is to persecute Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock.

Cynical, defensive manager and narcissistic pantomime villain Warnock was livid after his Palace side were denied a goal against Bristol City last weekend because referee Shoebridge failed to see the ball hit the net.

The seething former Sheffield United tactician was typically outspoken in his post-match press conference and declared that Bristol City and the official had made his grudge list - a vast tome which also includes West Ham, Gary Megson, Joe Kinnear, Stephen Hunt, Stephane Henchoz, Gareth Southgate, Rafa Benitez, Graham Poll, Sean Bean, Leicester City, Nottingham Forest, Kevin Blackwell and two of the Tweenies (Jake and Fizz).

But Warnock's mood must be improving after an apology from official Shoebridge, who admitted he had been 'trying to work out the quickest way home' and now the FA have issued their own statement.

"The Football Association would like to offer a full apology to Mr Warnock for everything that has happened to him over the last 40 years," the memo reads.

"The truth is that this great sport was invented with the express aim of one day annoying a pugnacious Yorkshireman as much as possible.

"Neil is correct in claiming he has been discriminated against because football is nothing more than a huge anti-Warnock conspiracy and we are all players in it."

Sociologists from the University of Bristol have published research findings proving that Warnock was as angry as it is possible for a human to be during Crystal Palace's 1-0 defeat at Ashton Gate.

Pioneering doctors use Redknapp punditry as alternative to anaesthetic

2009-08-16T07:26:00.000-07:00

Doctors at London's St Bartholomew's Hospital have hailed 'an enormous medical breakthrough' after successfully using clips of Jamie Redknapp punditry as an anaesthetic in the operating theatre.

Former Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Redknapp spent the vast majority of his career on the treatment table.

The Hampshire halfwit placed an unmanageable strain on the overstretched NHS during the 1990s undergoing a glut of procedures only rivalled by Darren Anderton, but it seems he is finally giving something back.

In a radical trial at St Bartholomew's Hospital in London, a patient underwent open heart surgery anesthetised only by speakers pumping in Redknapp's summary of Manchester United's 1-0 win over Birmingham City.

"This is a huge moment for us," doctor Peter Richmond enthused. "This could be a massive step forward in our efforts to find safer ways to anesthetise older patients.

"We just piped in Redknapp's babble for 5 minutes and it seemed to rapidly induce a trance-like state.

"By the time he had said his bit about Michael Owen being disappointed to miss a chance to score on his debut because strikers like goals, the patient was under and we were able to proceed."

Jamie Redknapp was unavailable for comment, but dad Harry took time out from tilting a vending machine at East Ham service station to express his pride.

Robben: Of course I'm 40

2009-08-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

Last night's draw with England may have been Arjen Robben's last game in a Holland shirt after the balding wide man finally confessed his real age in a candid post-match interview.

Robben is officially listed as a 25-year-old, but his steady hair loss, middle-aged face and fondness for Classic Gold FM have raised suspicions that he may have forged documents.

After last night's 2-2 friendly against England, Robben came off the pitch struggling for breath and adopted a grave expression as he talked to Dutch TV presenter Joop De Groopstrap.

"I think the time has come to admit that I'm 40 if I'm a day," Robben panted. "This whole thing started from an administrative error when I was put in the Under-21 squad at the age of 39 and I just ran with it.

"But my body is starting to complain and I can't keep playing for ever, so I decided it was time to come clean.

"I hope people don't judge me too harshly but I don't think they will because everyone loved '17 Again' didn't they? Didn't they?"

Buoyant Ling: Second Cambridge reign will be even better

2009-08-12T04:16:00.000-07:00

Martin Ling has made a triumphant return to Cambridge United after the resignation of nutjob chairman George Rolls and has boldly pledged to 'last at least a fortnight.'

Pint-sized Cockney Ling replaced Gary Brabin on the Cambridge bench at the end of last term after the outgoing manager had fallen out with Nick Griffin lookalike Rolls.

The fiery Rolls had been widely criticised by fans for driving a World War II tank through Brabin's back garden after United's Conference play-off final defeat against Torquay.

Ling quashed concerns that his pugnacious personality would clash with the megalomaniacal Rolls asserting: "I've got a three-year contract and we see this as a long-term agreement."

Nine days later, after a friendly defeat against precocious local rivals Histon, Ling quit when Rolls put a deadly redback spider in each of his shoes.

However, the departure of Rolls has opened the door for the return of the ex-Leyton Orient man.

"It's obviously an emotional moment for me coming back to a place I have come to see as home," Ling told journalists.

"I can promise the fans that I have even more to offer. I'm not one to make promises I can't keep, but I expect to be here long into September."

Football to finally step out of badminton's shadow?

2009-08-10T01:32:00.000-07:00

The news that England's players have pulled out of the World Badminton Championships in India has left the general public reeling, but analysts suggest the tragedy could allow football to finally establish a fan base in Britain.

A small group of football fanatics have been championing the sport in the British Isles for over 100 years but it has always played second fiddle to the nation's obsession - badminton.

However, after a terrorist threat, England's greatest sporting idols have been held back from the World Championships, leaving a gaping void in the summer's sporting schedule.

It has been suggested by sports analysts that football could take advantage of the vacuum created by the enforced no-show.

"This is the chance we have been waiting for," FA chairman Baron Triesman admitted to England's top sporting publication 'Badminton and Other Sports Weekly'.

"For as long as I can remember we have been waiting for a chink in badminton's formidable armour and this may be it. We just feel that a badminton-starved nation could embrace football."

However, with newfound popularity comes the risk that football may witness the scenes of hooliganism that have blighted British badminton arenas during the last 20 years.

In cold light of day, Norwich fan regrets throwing season ticket during first game

2009-08-09T03:52:00.002-07:00

A Norwich City fan who angrily hurled his season ticket at Bryan Gunn during yesterday's 7-1 humiliation against Colchester United has today admitted he may have overreacted to the Canaries' opening day demolition and hopes the ticket 'may be in lost property.'

Having been relegated from the Championship last term, Norwich started the season amongst the favourites for the League One title but the East Anglian outfit were undoubtedly second best against Colchester.

The indignity of trailing 4-0 after just 22 minutes was too much for livid fan Matthew Carroll, who invaded the pitch and threw £400 worth of season ticket at hapless manager Gunn - a move he concedes may have been folly.

"I won't lie to you, I was really angry," a sheepish Carroll revealed in a statement this morning. "But I can see that perhaps I didn't think things through.

"What I didn't really consider is that ticket would have enabled me to watch another 22 matches of football and I really like football. I was thinking of going down the ground and seeing whether the ticket was still there or if maybe someone handed it in to lost property..."

Carroll wasn't the only disgruntled supporter at Carrow Road, a steady stream of fans exited the stands from the 19th minute when Clive Platt put the visitors 3-0 ahead. Many had already left after the first two goals and a few fatalistic souls headed for the car park after the teams were announced.

Celtic: An Apology

2009-08-07T03:59:00.001-07:00

It has come to the attention of the Back Of The Net editors that our story 'Brave Celtic's Champions League Run Almost Over' contained a number of inaccuracies, which we would now like to rectify.

It was alleged in that article - among other things - that Celtic's track record in European competition is poor, that they come from a farcically uncompetitive league, that Scottish football is primitive to the point of all-out unwatchability, and that Bhoys manager Tony Mowbray is cursed with one of the most dour faces in the country.

Following Celtic's 2-0 win in Dinamo Moscow - which, again, Back Of The Net wrongly suggested was impossible, because of the Hoops' piss-poor form in away European ties - we would like to make a full and unreserved apology to Celtic and to all their fans, who handled the slurs in the offending article with their usual sense of humour. We accept the evidence that Celtic are a solid side, that Scottish football is in rude health, and that Mr Mowbray is quite capable of smiling and saying interesting things.

We wish them all the best for the remainder of their Champions League campaign, and then from September onwards, their UEFA Cup campaign.

FA continues war against weak by laying waste to Chester

2009-08-07T01:31:00.000-07:00

The Football Association today continued its baffling assault on the nation's most needy clubs by dealing punch-drunk Chester City a 25-point penalty and a raft of other cruel punishments.

As demanded by FA Guideline 29b: 'at all times we will try and make the rich clubs richer and the poor clubs poorer', English football's governing body has made concerted efforts to cripple any team suffering from financial problems.

Last season, Luton Town and AFC Bournemouth were dealt heavy points penalties. While Luton dropped out of League Two, the Cherries heroically amassed the 105 points needed to survive, much to the chagrin of stony-faced grey-suited FA officials, who packed into the away end of the Fitness First Stadium for every Bournemouth home game.

Chester are the latest side to anger the FA with their poverty and the newly-relegated outfit will start their Football Conference campaign on -25 points.

Furthermore, the Deva Stadium side will be forced to wear a brown and pink kit, they will have to travel to away games by horse and cart and manager Mick Wadsworth must field at least one member of the Hollyoaks cast per game.

"We got 'em good!" FA chief executive Ian Watmore whooped. "I wanted to make it 100 points but let's see how they do with 10 professionals and a vacuous simpleton from a second-rate soap.

"It's so important that we show clubs you can't get away with being poor. I can't understand the charity culture these days, a few meaty fines would sort the developing world out in no time."

Completion of Alonso deal 'will cost average journalist 500 words per day'

2009-08-05T01:28:00.000-07:00

A spokesman from the National Union of Journalists has bemoaned 'a dark day for the profession' as Liverpool finally agree to sell Xabi Alonso to Real Madrid.

When Alonso made it clear at the end of last season that he intended to join defence-phobic underachievers Real, it unleashed a devastating torrent of formulaic transfer stories.

However, reports this morning suggest that the deal is finally complete - news that will bring relief to a public still reeling from an Alonso overdose but which has plunged the nation's journalists into crisis.

"If Alonso has joined Real then it is a black day for all sports journalists," National Union of Journalists general secretary Jeremy Dear lamented. "We all feared this day would arrive.

"Over the last two months, lazy hack journalists have been assured of filling their 500-word quotas with an Alonso-related headline and a few paragraphs of unsubstantiated, rehashed dirge.

"But these wonderful days are over and I genuinely don't know how the column inches will be filled."

The nation's papers are yet to officially respond to the situation, but an insider at The Sun informed us that "we'll throw something together involving tits."

Portsmouth Season Preview: Lack of footballers may prove a problem

2009-08-04T03:26:00.000-07:00

With 11 days remaining until the Premier League kick-off, Fratton Park is a hive of activity as ground staff prepare for the mouth-watering 2009-10 curtain-raiser against Fulham. Sadly, however, Portsmouth's season could be ruined by the absence of any qualified footballers.

Still awaiting a faceless Arab backer, Pompey were forced to hold an 'Everything Must Go' sale this summer. Despite pocketing huge sums for all-mouth-no-trousers England nearlyman Glen Johnson and goal-scoring fountain pen Peter Crouch, the only arrivals were Aaron Makoena and Steve Finnan.

While the club have banned the word 'crisis', dour manager Paul Hart's face was nearly 80 per cent wrinkles as he found a squad of three men waiting for him at his first pre-season training session.

"It wasn't exactly what I had in mind," Hart admitted. "But the new lads had a decent game of headers and volleys with David (James). They seemed to get on pretty well before David (James) realised he was late for his hair appointment.

"Of course I'd welcome some new recruits, but there's no problem finding a parking space these days. And besides everybody knows it's harder to play against nine men, so just imagine how tough we'll be with three."

Panicked by lack of signings, Arsenal plan invasion of Ivory Coast

2009-08-03T03:42:00.000-07:00

Frustrated at being priced out of the summer transfer market, Arsenal have outlined controversial plans to launch a military coup in West Africa in order to flesh out their squad.

There has been a unique feel to the 2009-10 pre-season as cash-rich, prestige-poor mid-table mainstays Manchester City have embarked on an insane signing bender at the expense of every other Premier League side.

While City boss Mark Hughes is struggling to accomodate a squad of nearly 6,000 players and has complained about having to conduct team meetings in the Manchester Evening News Arena, Wenger has a very different problem after a lean summer in the market.

Arsenal's sole new recruit of the summer is forgettably faced left-back Thomas Vermaelen, signed as part of the EU's 'Interesting Jobs for Belgians Initiative', so the departures of Kolo Toure and Emmanuel Adebayor have left fans fearing another trophyless campaign.

And with time running out before the transfer window snaps shut, Arsenal boss Wenger has taken the unorthodox step of launching a campaign of ruthless colonisation.

"Arsenal Football Club have used every effort to add to their squad using peaceful means this summer, but these attempts have proven unsuccessful," a club statement reads.

"In these times of great hardship, difficult decisions must be made and that is why we will be leading an expedition of conquest to the Ivory Coast. May God protect our men and allow us to pick up at least a couple of squad players."

Wenger has named a strong squad for the away day in Abidjan but Jack Wilshere (thigh) and Alexandre Song (objection to the brutal subjegation of his fellow Africans) are doubts.

SEASON COUNTDOWN: Fergie Rages At Fixture Congestion As United Are Forced To Play Other Teams In League

2009-08-02T04:55:00.001-07:00

Sir Alex Ferguson today opened this season's war of words with other managers before the first ball had been kicked, alleging that defending champions Manchester United were being discriminated against by the fixture list, which obliges them to play every other team in the Premier League, home and away, as well as participating in cup competitions and travelling to various parts of Europe.

'It's just unbelievable,' fumed the permanently aggrieved boss, whose career-long opposition to 'fixture congestion' is so fierce that he famously withdrew United from all competitions in 2003-4, and attempted to pull his team out of a Champions League Quarter-Final with Bayern Munich twenty minutes before the end. 'We have to play Fulham, Wigan, Stoke... you name it. We are literally playing teams almost every week. There are some weeks we have a game on Tuesday, then again on Saturday. That's two football matches in five days. I mean, how do you expect players, on what we pay them, to find time for that?'

The enormous burden on United's squad, Ferguson alleges, is in stark contrast to that faced by their main rivals for the title. 'Arsenal only played twelve games last season. And I know for a fact that Liverpool haven't played Portsmouth for eight years. But this is what you expect at Manchester United. Everyone hates us. Everyone wants us dead.'

Ferguson, who was speaking out against the fixture pile-up from United's hotel in Singapore, where they are playing eleven matches for £100 million a time to 'help promote football in this part of the world', remained bullish about United's prospects for yet another league title, despite the immense, ongoing conspiracy against his club. 'I'm sure we can cope with it, but it might mean having to expand our squad a bit more than I'd anticipated. Luckily we're very good at stealing teenage players from poorer clubs who've spent years nurturing their talent.'

Brave Celtic's Champions League Run Almost Over

2009-07-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

Scottish football faced heartbreak once more last night as Celtic's 1-0 home defeat by Dinamo Moscow left them on the brink of elimination, after a heroic run which has taken them to within ten months of the Final.

In the tradition of Scottish Premier League runners-up - who in the last ten years have included Celtic, Rangers, Rangers, Rangers, Celtic, Celtic, Rangers, Celtic, Rangers and Celtic - the Bhoys suffered bitter disappointment when the draw pitted them against a team from a league with some sort of competitive aspect. Nonetheless, hopes were high that under new manager Tony Mowbray, the Hoops might mount a serious challenge in Europe this season. Chairman John Reid told the press that 'this defeat is a serious blow to our hopes of scraping into the group stages, losing to Milan and PSV, drawing with some Danish team, and being essentially out by Christmas.'

Reid harshly criticised his fellow SPL chairmen last week over their deal with collapsed broadcaster Setanta, one of the only broadcasters who could be bothered to show the endless series of ugly or one-sided games which make up Scotland's domestic league. But after another in the interminable series of defeats for the Auld Firm at the wrong end of the European season, Reid admitted: 'Perhaps I should spend less time in-fighting, more time assessing why exactly Scottish football is such a pile of crap that it almost single-handedly killed off Setanta.'

'But there you go,' added Reid. 'I'm an ex-politician so I haven't got a fucking clue about most things, to be fair.'

Mowbray was still optimistic that the Bhoys would progress to the knockout, or 'actual', stages of the competition. 'All we've got to do is win in Moscow,' he said. 'I don't see what's stopping us, other than the fact that Russian teams are famously hard to beat at home and Scottish teams are useless away from home. ' He added that the club's Champions League run had 'already been creditable', since it will be 'well into August' before they are officially eliminated. This compares favourably to the 2004 Champions League bid of Rangers, who were knocked out as soon as they qualified for the competition, UEFA emailing them to say 'realistically, you're best off out of this.'

One Scottish football expert described this as 'our darkest day in Europe since Motherwell lost to Llanelli back in the middle of July'.

Pearson's Press Statement 'Officially Most Boring Of All Time'

2009-07-29T03:03:00.000-07:00

Leicester manager Nigel Pearson has broken the world record for the most boring statement ever given to journalists, it was confirmed today. Experts emerged from a 10-hour emergency analysis of Pearson's remarks on possible signing Leroy Lita to publish their verdict this morning. The panel unanimously agreed that the comments 'did not contain a single word which was not a cliche' and were 'staggeringly dull'.

Speaking to BBC Radio Leicester about the Foxes' pursuit of big-headed talent Lita, Pearson said: 'We will see what happens. I know there's a lot of speculation about him [Lita] but I wouldn't like to make any comment at the moment. If we can improve we will but at the moment I can't really elaborate on that. I won't bring players in for the sake of bringing players in.'

Within minutes, the statement had been referred to the panel, who scanned it extensively to see if a single meaningful word could be found in it. When their search was unsuccessful, the scientists concluded that Pearson had 'set a new bar for managers talking pointless crap'. Pearson's record breaks that set in 2007 by Bryan Robson, who said after his Sheffield United side had drawn with Plymouth: 'we've started the game well and they've come back into it and in the end I think a point each is about right.'

Leicester chairman Milan Mandaric said he was 'delighted' Pearson - who won promotion at the first attempt after taking over from certified lunatic Ian Holloway - was continuing to put the Midlands club back on the map, and there is' no chance of him being sacked for five or six weeks at least.'

Crouch's Purchasers Unsure How To Assemble Him

2009-07-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

After announcing the £10m signing of Peter Crouch this morning, Tottenham admitted several hours later that they were 'still struggling' to put together the flat-packed striker, who was delivered in seven pieces from Fratton Park once negotiations had been completed last night.

'How the hell are you meant to...' a baffled Harry Redknapp asked reporters, studying an incomprehensible set of instructions scribbled down by Crouch's previous owner, Pompey boss Paul Hart. 'He said it went up in ten minutes,' Redknapp lamented, shaking his head in despair, half-an-hour later. 'Ten minutes! If this is ten minutes, I've never been investigated by the FA!'

At eleven feet tall, Crouch is an impractical size for most homes, but his wide range of functions - including heading, knock-downs, WAG-shagging, and briefly-amusing-dance-inventing - attracted Redknapp, who had been looking for a target man to spearhead Spurs' campaign for 10th place next season. 'He looked great in the catalogue,' said Redknapp, his face even redder than usual, 'but look at all these bits here. I mean, you need a degree in bloody engineering!' The permanently tired-looking boss was later said to be looking into the possibility of purchasing a degree in engineering online.

Crouch - manufactured by a team of German automobile technicians as a by-product of a secret experiment in the seventies - was unable to comment as he was still in pieces on the floor. He has previously played for (among others) Aston Villa, Southampton, and Liverpool, where he was out of action for three months after Sami Hyypia took him home to show the kids and lost the remote control.

Pre-Season Friendlies: Newcastle Find Positives After 6-1 Defeat, Man City Lose To Indie Band

2009-07-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

Newcastle caretaker manager Chris Hughton was upbeat this evening after his side suffered a 6-1 defeat to League One side Leyton Orient, claiming that the margin of defeat 'could have been more like three or four if we'd had a bit of luck', and pointing out that 'other than the thrashing by a mid-table third-tier side, the trip to London was a success', after his squad managed to get on the coach back home without anyone getting lost. Meanwhile in South Africa, Manchester City continued to struggle to justify their £200-billion summer spending spree, as they went down 1-0 to Kaiser Chiefs, previously only known for their radio-friendly guitar pop.

Hughton's Newcastle, who have endured a torrid summer, year, decade and recent history, will be the subject of renewed mockery after their mauling at Brisbane Road, but the temporary boss - now into his fifth year in charge as the club continues to flounder in administrative chaos - insisted that they would take 'a lot of positives' from their latest indignity. 'For a start, we got a goal,' said Hughton, 'which would have been enough to win the game, had we not conceded a half-dozen. Then there was the good work done by all the backroom staff to arrange the fixture and decide on the kick-off time and all that, which went smoothly. Also, I thought the lads looked very neat in their kits. And Habib [Beye] won £5 on a fruit machine in the services on the way down.'

'So all in all we'll be approaching the new season with confidence.'

In Pretoria, Mark Hughes was disappointed to see his expensive side lose to the Kaiser Chiefs, who fielded only five players. 'We should have made better use of the space,' lamented the Welshman, who said his players 'allowed the Chiefs to dictate the pace, which was moderate to fast, with three chords'. He admitted City's defence had had trouble keeping Chiefs frontman Ricky Wilson quiet. 'He just kept coming out with pithy observations about society, in a distinctive, slightly grating northern drawl. If he keeps doing that, he's going to cause a lot of trouble this season.'

Angry LA Galaxy Hunt Down Beckham With Army Of Hollywood Monsters

2009-07-23T21:35:00.001-07:00

From our American Correspondent

David Beckham was in hiding in the hills above Los Angeles tonight after his employers, L.A. Galaxy, responded to fans' disgruntlement at his patchy appearance by dispatching the full might of Hollywood on a deadly revenge mission against the deadball genius and underwear model.

Hundreds of CGI-generated monsters, robots, orcs and miscellaneous supervillains pursued Beckham - who caused fury by moving to AC Milan because the American league isn't a real league - promising Galaxy supporters 'a banquet of blood' in their 18-rated quest.

LA Galaxy owner Philip Anschutz, squinting at the scene through a special pair of glasses made from solid gold, said: 'Beckham seems to think the US is some kind of joke country where we don't know how to distinguish soccer from our many other glossy forms of entertainment. He thinks we aren't serious about the game and the whole MLS is a kind of showy, soulless publicity circus. Well, guess what! We're going to hunt his ass! We're going to bring him back here to the Home Depot Center [Galaxy's showy, soulless stadium]! And we are going to show him the United Status doesn't like being weighed up against a country with a vastly superior soccer heritage!'

Anschutz added that the avenging army's battle with Beckham will appear on cinema screens shortly. 'THIS FALL, ONE MAN WILL TAKE ON THE ODDS,' he bellowed.

Optimus Prime, the leading Transformer who is one of the figureheads in Galaxy's $560 million war on Beckham, commented: 'No sacrifice is too great in pursuit of freedom. However, Beckham should not have had the freedom to stay in Italy beyond the original terms of his contract. He must die.'

As the conflict entered its fiftieth hour, with an eerie darkness settling over the landscape, Beckham was nowhere to be seen tonight, although his wife Victoria was spotted fleeing by outsiders, who said that she looked 'tired, ill and pissed off. Exactly the same as usual.'

Southgate's 'Die For This Club' Appeal Backfires

2009-07-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

With star assets Tuncay, Mido, Alfonso Alves and Stuart Downing either gone, openly soliciting a move, or dicking about somewhere in Africa and not replying to his text messages, put-upon Middesbrough manager Gareth Southgate admits that he wishes he hadn't told players that he 'only wanted people who are ready to die for this club.' Since Southgate made this emotional appeal, 29 of the 32 players under contract have left or submitted a transfer request, and the softly-spoken boss conceded yesterday: 'It would have been better just to say something like, I only want players who are really committed. Or just: 'let's all do our best this year''.

Southgate broke out the rhetoric a fortnight ago as transfer speculation dogged his newly-relegated squad. According to Riverside insiders, he was dismayed by - among other failures of team spirit - Downing attending the team meeting already wearing an Aston Villa shirt, and £12.5 million flop Alves shouting 'SO LONG, SUCKERS!' as he drove away from the ground in his Porsche. 'From now on, if you're not prepared to die for Middlesbrough, don't bother coming in,' said Southgate, pausing briefly to allow Tuncay to slip past him to the car park. 'If you don't eat, drink, sleep and shit Boro, there's no point in you being here. I don't care how many players leave, as long as I'm left with people who will walk through fire for Middlesbrough Football Club.'

Transfer requests began to flow almost immediately after this ultimatum, with the entire first-team gone by the end of the day. Many Boro players felt Southgate had set the bar too high. 'I mean, I quite like it here,' said defender Justin Hoyte, 'but who wants to die for Middlesbrough!? It's silly. The ground wasn't even full for half our games last season.' Popular German centre-back Robert Huth agreed, saying: 'Huth will play hard for Boro. Huth will sweat and toil for Boro. But Huth will not go to the grave for them. Huth still has much to offer this world.'

'If he asks us who will get a bit hurt for Middlesbrough, then maybe, OK, I am interested,' remarked playmaker Julio Arca. 'But death is the great unknown. Which of us will walk into the dark, into the infinite, of his own free will? Death is the river which all men must cross, but we cross it only when the ferryman can wait no longer. Also, I can get more money if I go back to the Premier League and half-heartedly play for Blackburn or someone.'

One of the few remaining players, David Wheather, said he would be staying, but 'hoped the gaffer [Southgate] wouldn't call our bluff on the whole dying thing. I was put off a move to Wolves because Mick McCarthy said he wanted players who'd cut their brother's eyes out and spit in the holes for Wolverhampton.'

With only a few weeks to recruit an entirely new playing staff, Middlesbrough are reportedly in talks with the similarly-understaffed Newcastle about a merger. Southgate said: 'if that does happen, I will only want players who are prepared to die for whatever we decide to call the new team.'

Comedy kings ‘working through night’ to provide Lawro with zingers

2009-07-22T14:42:00.001-07:00

An insider at the BBC has revealed that a ‘crack team of award-winning comedians’ are working overtime to provide dour pundit Mark ‘Lawro’ Lawrenson with material ahead of the 2009-10 Premiership kick-off.

A defensive stalwart of Liverpool’s unrealistically successful side of the 1980s, Lawrenson had no trouble finding work with the BBC after hanging his boots up, but the man once touted as the ‘third Chuckle Brother’ has failed to live up to the hype.

Hurt by the results of recent focus groups that saw Lawro lose out to Mark Pougatch in the popularity stakes after another season of workmanlike punditry, the Preston native called himself back from holiday in Magaluf ahead of schedule in order to begin top secret meetings with some of contemporary comedy’s keenest minds.

“Lawro wasn’t happy with his performances last year,” a BBC source told us.

“There was a period of real soul-searching where he was asking everyone whether they thought he was funny – it was really awkward.

“You have to remember this is the man who came up with such classics as ‘easy for you to say’ and ‘that’s one word for it’. Mark has high standards when it comes to comedy and he’s his own harshest critic.”

Reports from Broadcasting House suggest that a ‘psychotic looking’ Lawrenson has been putting in 16-hour shifts with a writing team that cost him £1m to assemble.

He has also reportedly told friends that his material ‘shits on Lineker’ and pledged that ‘people will have to reassess what they know about comedy after this season’.

Liverpool Players Begin Brawl Well But Lose Way Towards The End

2009-07-22T13:23:00.001-07:00

Merseyside Police say that CCTV footage released today of the brawl at the Lounge Inn in Southport last December, which led to the arrest of Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard, shows 'Mr Gerrard, although provoked, behaved in a disorderly and violent manner', and also that 'this was yet another occasion on which Liverpool players narrowly failed to turn a great position into glory.'

The Reds, whose season was marred by a string of draws, enjoyed a huge advantage at the halfway stage of the fight, but Marcus McGee and his mates - opponents who, Gerrard admitted, 'we would expect to beat nine times out of ten' - came back strongly to force a stalemate and leave them rueing lost points. 'It does seem to be a problem that we're not able to finish the job,' said Gerrard, who landed one punch but narrowly missed with two more, and watched in frustration as teammate Dirk Kuyt swung his fist wide of McGee from barely five yards away.

It was the fourth time in a row that Rafa Benitez's players had failed to win a fight on home territory. 'It's been our form on Merseyside that's let us down,' Gerrard lamented. 'Away from home we've been excellent, Steve [Finnan] has decked that fella in the club in Soho, and we were excellent in Porto thanks to Yossi [Benayoun, who urinated on a display of local artwork and called three women whores]... but in front of our own constabulary we just don't seem to be taking our chances.'

Asked why Robbie Keane and Xavi Alonso had been left out of the fight altogether - Keane, although fit, being made to accompany the reserves to a cheaper nightclub in Huyton - Gerrard said that team selection was 'a matter for the manager'. But Benitez was in no mood for questions when approached last night in his Anfield bunker, where is working on paranoid rants for next season. 'We are going to the right clubs and fighting well but not winning the fights,' said Benitez. 'I don't know why it is. We are unlucky. Nobody asks why Manchester United or Chelsea doesn't win a fight but if it is Liverpool, everyone is asking.'

'We will be stronger next season and I am confident we can be champions,' added Benitez, who has finished every press conference with these words since he took over in 2004.

England Manager Joins League Two No-Hopers As FA Launch 'Season Of Crazy Shit'

2009-07-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

The Football Association installed international coach Sven-Goran Eriksson as Director of Football at lower-league strugglers Notts County today, as part of a new campaign to restore interest in football by making loads of crazy shit happen.

A statement issued by the FA at lunchtime read: 'Let's face it, English club football has become pretty stagnant. Only three clubs can compete for the title, and one of them (Liverpool) never actually win it. Mediocre imports are squeezing local talent out of the picture at every turn. Many of our once-great clubs are now in the hands of faceless foreign investors, who bankroll mass migrations of mercenary professionals. The Premier League giants are showing less and less regard for cup competitions and traditions, for the overall health of the game, even for their own fans.'

'With all this in mind, the FA is proud to announce that 2009-10 will be the first ever Season of Crazy Shit'.

The spokesman then set off a series of Party Poppers before leaving on a unicycle.

Eriksson, famous for managing England to a series of quarter-final defeats, fucking Ulrika Jonsson even though you could never imagine it looking at the two of them, and being followed everywhere by a man called Tord Grip, said he was 'delighted' to move to Notts County to launch the FA's new programme of absurdities. 'I love to do funny things and maybe sometimes things which are a little crazy,' said the Swede. 'For sure, Nottingham is a dreadful place to live but this, of course, only makes the joke rather funnier.'

Speculation is now rife as to the FA's next plan. Although nothing has been confirmed yet, a document leaked to selected journalists hinted strongly that Cilla Black is poised to replace Martin O'Neill as Aston Villa boss, two teams have being approached to conjure up a 9-9 draw on the first day of the season, and Everton are planning to score their first ever goal not to come from a scrappy set-piece.

With football suddenly a funny old game again, Saint and Greavsie are rumoured to be planning a dramatic comeback. 'I tell you what, either football's gone mad, or I have,' said noted soccer funnyman Greaves from his London home. Ian 'Saint' St John was too busy laughing at Greavsie's remark to make any further comment.

Adebayor: 'This Is Totally About The Money'

2009-07-20T23:32:00.000-07:00

Days after Gareth Barry and chief executive Garry Cook angrily refuted the idea that the summer's exodus towards nouveaux riche chancers Manchester City has largely been motivated by money, latest recruit Emmanuel Adebayor confirmed today that he was 'delighted to be getting a great big chunk' for the move North, and was looking forward to 'competing for major honours with City, but more importantly, having a huge great mansion in Cheshire and driving a vintage car around.'

Togo marksman Adebayor represented Arsenal with distinction for several seasons but became restless last season. He put in a transfer request, saying that he needed 'a new challenge, and about £350,000 in signing-on fees'.

'When I heard City were interested,' said Adebayor, 'I was keen straight away. Not so much for footballing reasons - after all, I was already at one of the most attractive sides in the country, and had guaranteed Champions' League football - but more because I knew I would absolutely coin it in if I went there.'

'Now that the move has been completed, I'm delighted. I'm fantastically rich now. I was earning a lot at Arsenal, but trust me, this is a whole new level. I am fucking minted. This is great.'

Adebayor had words of encouragement for City fans, too, claiming that the hastily-assembled, mercenary squad would 'go all-out to bring trophies' to the Eastlands club. 'Apparently we're on a big win bonus for every game,' said the Togolese centre-forward, 'and then on top of that, sweet extra bonuses if we, like, get into Europe and shit. So we'll definitely be trying to do all that, I reckon.'

Barnes Baffles New Team With Rapping, Lucozade Advice

2009-07-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

A rusty John Barnes marked his return to management, at Tranmere Rovers, by delivering a rap wearing a shell-suit and lecturing his new players on the merits of isotonic Lucozade, it was reported today.

Former England star, dubious musician, hapless TV presenter and peculiar suit-wearer Barnes landed the Tranmere job last month, but detractors claimed that he was out of touch with the English domestic game, after a period in the wilderness managing Jamaica, appearing on celebrity dance programmes, and looking the wrong way during live broadcasts. These allegations were backed up by Barnes's introductory meeting with the Tranmere squad. 'You've got to hold or give, but do it at the right time,' Barnes told his new charges. 'You can be slow or fast, but you must get to the line. They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack. There's only one way to beat them: get round the back.'

Barnes's assistant Jason McAteer seconded his boss's advice, adding: 'We're singing for England. Arrivederci, it's one on one.'

According to sources, Barnes went on to brief his players on their after-match fluid intake, advising them: 'After ninety minutes of sheer hell out there, you're thirsty. Isotonic Lucozade gets to your thirst fast.'

Barnes's words received a mixed reception from Tranmere players, with midfielder Chris Shuker admitting: 'We thought it was going to be more about the new season and our roles within the club, but he seemed very keen to rap. Would you call that rapping? I don't know, it sounded more just like talking, really.'

Veteran defender Ian Goodison added: 'He seemed really keen to talk about Lucozade. I didn't even know you could still buy that stuff. It tastes like shit.'

Mido Blames Two-Week Absence On Faulty Sat-Nav

2009-07-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

Part-time Middlesbrough striker Mido, who has missed the first two weeks of pre-season training with the club he occasionally plays for, responded to criticism of his latest bout of absenteeism today, claiming that he 'set off ages ago' but 'must have put the wrong postcode into this bloody sat-nav'.

As mild-mannered boss Gareth Southgate prepared what he called a 'stiffly worded text message' to the disappearing star, Mido phoned in to say that he'd 'not allowed for there being so much traffic between Egypt and Middlesbrough' but would 'be there in a jiffy, definitely by Christmas.'

Southgate has endured a difficult summer as he attempts to rebuild for the Championship campaign. He was forced to sell star asset Stewart Downing, who won his 23-year battle to leave Boro last week; discovered that Boro would play all their games at Plymouth next season; and underwent surgery to coax his face out of the philosophical pout of gentle disappointment in which it spent the entire period from September to May. 'Mido is pushing his luck here,' said a source close to Southgate. 'You don't want to see Gareth when he's angry. You've never seen anyone tut and shake their head so much.'

It's not the first time that Mido has made headlines by not turning up; in fact, the Egyptian troublemaker has missed almost three-quarters of his own career. While on loan to Wigan last season, he infuriated manager Steve Bruce, skipping a trip to Fulham because he 'wasn't feeling right in himself', disappearing to the shops between the ninth and eighty-fourth minutes of the visit to Sunderland, and famously sending pop star Dido to Arsenal in his place. Boro signed Mido from Tottenham for £6 million in 2007, after a medical check concluded that he was 'in perfect health and fitness, but a serious prick.'

Back of the Net will return on July 20

2009-07-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

Back of the Net's huge writing team are taking a hard-earned week off to prepare for the new season.

If your football satire levels reach a dangerously low level then visit our Back of the Net Wiki, which now has over 150 entries, including:

POINTLESS COMPETITIONS - Over the recent history of football, a large amount of time and effort has been wasted playing needless competitions... More

JOEY BARTON - One of the worst men there has ever been... More

JIM ROSENTHAL - A bits and pieces man for ITV who unconvincingly presents any sport put in front of him while looking like the devil... More

GARY NEVILLE - An inadequately moustachioed right back who plays for Manchester United and England... More

MARK LAWRENSON - A key component in Liverpool’s greatest ever defence, but he has overshadowed that achievement by becoming one of football’s most universally unpopular pundits... More

NEWCASTLE UNITED - A Championship club with a proud history of footballing mediocrity and administrative failure... More

Ferguson phone tap exposes 'one of the great poets of our time'

2009-07-10T01:45:00.000-07:00

A journalist from the News of the World has disclosed the details of a number of Sir Alex Ferguson's telephone conversations which were illegally recorded last year and has emotionally hailed 'a uniquely powerful and beautiful artistic mind.'

Lowest common denominator filth rag the News of the World is being investigated for tapping conversations involving high-profile British figures and the latest name to surface is that of mahogany-faced Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson.

But News of the World operatives got more than they bargained on when they listened in to the dour Scotsman's calls.

"We were just hoping to get a bit of transfer gossip, but instead we found ourselves listening to a tortured soul, a fragile creative genius," an emotional Max Greene revealed at today's hearing.

"Every day Ferguson would phone at least one literary great like Margaret Atwood or Derek Walcott and read a poem or a short story he had created.

"His writing was so heartfelt and so beautiful - we would be sat around listening in with tears streaming down our cheeks.

"Maybe Ferguson doesn't want his genius to be exposed, but he owes the world the fruits of his gift."

Greene then choked back tears as he recalled a conversation between Ferguson and Newcastle United hero Alan Shearer.

"They were discussing whether there is such thing as a truly altruistic act.

"Alex gave a compelling argument for an innate desire to behave unselfishly, but Alan countered by suggesting that any biological basis for a good deed must be selfish.

"It was like listening to Plato and Aristotle. Oh, then they made some blinding jokes about Howard Webb."

Zokora marks Spurs exit with insane goal rampage

2009-07-09T01:02:00.001-07:00

Goal-starved midfielder Didier Zokora left his former Tottenham Hotspur teammates scratching their heads when he unleashed a devastating torrent of wonder goals in his final training session ahead of a move to Sevilla.

Ivorian international Zokora joined Spurs from Saint Etienne in 2006 and quickly became a popular figure. However, his lack of proficiency in front of goal was a source of both irritation and wonder for the White Hart Lane faithful.

The 28-year-old didn't get his name on the scoresheet in over 130 appearances but it seems that an imminent transfer to La Liga side Sevilla has caused a remarkable change in his fortunes.

Zokora stunned onlookers during his farewell training session yesterday, firing 13 sensational goals past Brazilian goalkeeper / nonsense man Heurelho Gomes.

"Didi was on fire," Spurs manager Harry Redknapp told journalists while negotiating a deal for half a washing machine on the Goldhawk Road.

"Usually he couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo, but he got some beauties yesterday. Every time he got the ball he scored - one was from about 50 yards.

"Granted, Gomes had accidentally tied his laces round the goalpost at time, but it was still a belter."

Sant Julia boss has 'one hand on the Champions League trophy'

2009-07-08T05:41:00.000-07:00

After last night's heroic penalty shootout triumph over Tre Fiori, Sant Julia manager Patricio Gonzalez Fernandez feels his side will only have themselves to blame if they don't lift the Champions League trophy next May.

Andorran giants Sant Julia overcame San Marino's finest in a gripping sudden-death penalty shootout after the tie ended 2-2 on aggregate.

The epic encounter captivated fans across the globe. Bars in Los Angeles opened in the early hours of the morning to screen the drama for the football-hungry public, while internet service providers reported bandwidth problems as they struggled to cope with the surge of visitors to streaming sites.

Speaking minutes after his side booked a second preliminary qualification date with Levski Sofia, Sant Julia tactician and respected collector of Spanish names Patricio Gonzalez Fernandez stated his belief that the Champions League was there for the taking.

"Now we fear nobody," he roared. "The likes of Chelsea and Barcelona will have seen what happened here tonight and we'll let them worry about us.

"I really thought we would go all the way in the UEFA Cup last year, but after this dramatic victory I feel 2010 will be our year. It's all downhill from here."

The Aixovall outfit fell to Bulgarian opposition last season when they were edged out by Cherno More Varna 9-0 on aggregate.

Tourist on stadium tour poses with scarf, bags Real contract

2009-07-07T04:00:00.001-07:00

Real Madrid have been left red-faced after inadvertently handing a four-year contract to a Pakistani tourist posing for a holiday snap.

The bloated Spanish superpower have embarked on a sickening spending frenzy this summer, pouncing for Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo to bolster a squad already boasting such talents as Iker Casillas, Raul and Jerzy Dudek.

And greedy President Florentino Perez still doesn't seem to be satisfied, outlining a plan to sign 'a player every minute' for the next two weeks and to 'maybe one day buy a defender.'

But one new face for next season that Perez didn't bargain on is university student Kamran Asif.

The lucky 26-year-old was posing for photos during a stadium tour when club officials shepherded him into the offices to pen a lucrative four-year deal.

"We thought he was a new signing because he was doing that thing with the scarf," spokesman Luis Villarejo explained.

"At the moment nobody knows who anyone else is to be honest, so if we see any adult male below the age of 40 it's safest to presume we've just paid £10m plus for him."

Asif released a brief statement declaring that: 'It's a dream come true to play for Real. It is a great challenge and I will give 100 percent for this club and the fans.'

Meanwhile, soulless President Perez has spoken of his desire to set up a European Super League to ensure that the continent's giants don't have to worry about failure to qualify for the Champions League.

Perez has also called for the results of every game in the coming season to be agreed in July with the richer team always defeating the poorer.

'I'm Newcastle 'til I die', pledges half-dead Kinnear

2009-07-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

Former Newcastle United boss and angry, angry man Joe Kinnear is determined to return to the St James' Park bench despite recent heart problems and has outlined his plan to 'die during a 2-1 defeat at Nottingham Forest.'

Jobbing manager Kinnear, who nobody had seen for 20 years, inexplicably resurfaced to take the Toon job last term when he received the call from jowly simpleton Mike Ashley.

The cockney wide boy immediately showed the PR skills he learned at Wimbledon in the 1990s by labelling every journalist in Britain "a cunt" and the managerial skills he learned at Wimbledon in the 1990s by leading the side into a bitter relegation struggle.

A pesky heart attack forced Kinnear to abandon football's most degrading post in February, but it seems the 62-year-old still hasn't had enough.

"I'd love to return to Newcastle," he barked at cowering journalists yesterday.

"I have so many happy memories there, like those two wins we got before we began our terrifying free-fall towards the Championship.

"I'm Toon 'til I die, which will be sometime in October when we're losing 2-1 to Nottingham Forest."

With around six weeks remaining before the 2009-10 campaign begins, Newcastle are without an owner, a manager or any players.

Darius Vassell Now President Of Turkey

2009-07-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

Forgotten man-turned-Turkish hero Darius Vassell continued his remarkable run of popularity in his new home today, as it was announced that he would take over as President of Turkey as of Monday.

Outgoing leader Abdullah Gul offered his resignation to the government this morning after an estimated 45 million of Turkey's 71 million citizens signed a petition calling for the striker - who was greeted as a hero when he arrived at Ankaragucu this week - to be given the top job. 'I felt I was a good President,' said Gul in a brief statement, 'but I will not stand in the way of a man like Vassell. Our country is lucky to have him.'

Some in England were surprised when Vassell - discarded by deluded money-bags outfit Manchester City - received an uproarious welcome in the Turkish capital earlier on Wednesday. The former England marksman, however, seemed undaunted by the high levels of expectation, which will now reach fever pitch as he runs a country for the first time in his career.

'The fans have made me very welcome here,' said the one-time Aston Villa poacher, 'and obviously it's great to get such a big vote of confidence so early on.'

Vassell added that he was looking forward to attending his first training session with his new team-mates, and to finding ways to ease tensions between the Christian and Muslim presences in Turkey.

Owen's Man U medical reveals '1000 injuries in perfect harmony'

2009-07-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

Michael Owen's sensational free transfer to Manchester United is in jeopardy after today's medical turned up a 'thousandfold web of injuries' and labelled the 29-year-old 'a walking corpse.'

The 2001 Ballon d'Or winner's career has been derailed by a baffling move to Newcastle United, an endless stream of injuries and not liking football that much.

In a strange twist, Manchester United are ready to pounce for Owen as a cheap replacement for greedy, self-employed hitman Carlos Tevez, but his health may be an issue.

A routine medical conducted at a private south Manchester hospital left doctors shaking their heads, turning up no fewer than 1000 separate injury hotspots.

A leaked copy of the written report contains scribbled observations such as 'flexibility of an 80-year-old', 'sellotape used to reattach limbs' and 'worryingly monotonous voice'.

"Owen is a medical miracle," Professor Mark Henshaw explained. "Technically he shouldn't even be able to walk, let alone turn in mediocre performances week in, week out.

"We have a unique case where Michael's body has adapted to balance out his injuries. At this stage a diving header, a slide tackle or even a vigorous sneeze could turn him into a vegetable. He's pretty much a dead man walking."

However, a United source confessed that the club would probably sign Owen whatever the result of the medical, confessing that Plan B was to 'black up Darren Fletcher and pretend he was a new Brazilian signing."

Relaxed Hleb: There I was running around like a sucker...

2009-07-02T03:22:00.000-07:00

In a surprising U-turn, Barcelona midfielder Aliaksandr Hleb has rejected suggestions he will start next season at Bayern Munich and outlined his plan to 'have a chilled one' at the Nou Camp.

The first Belorussian to do something of note, Hleb was a key figure for Arsenal before leaving for Barcelona in search of silverware.

Although Hleb picked up La Liga and Champions League medals last term, his involvement was limited and the the negligibly-named wide man had suggested he would quit the club, but it seems he has had a change of heart and rejected moves to Bayern Munich and Lyon.

"My intention is to stay at Barcelona," Hleb explained. "I've had a think about it and I'm on easy street here.

"At Arsenal I was always running about and I got nothing for it, here I just sit and watch and I get medals. By the end of the season I didn't even bring my boots, I just wore the clothes I wanted to go out in - it saved a lot of valuable drinking time!

"Some people say 'aren't you worried about your career Alex?' but I tell them I'm getting paid thousands to come to the Nou Camp and fiddle with my i-phone. That thing's got like a million apps so it's not like I'm going to get bored.

"I've bought a nice travel cushion and one of those mini fridges that holds 10 beers, so I'm all set for the new season."