Pearce Rues 'You Are Already Winners' Speech As Whole Squad Switches Off For Final

England under-21 coach Stuart Pearce admitted today that it was a mistake to tell his squad they were 'already winners, whatever happens' before their Final with Germany, after the players took him literally and prepared for the big match by drinking, negotiating endorsement deals, and staging a huge karaoke party on PlayStation game SingStar, which culminated in Michael Mancienne and Jack Rodwell performing a version of '(Everybody Was) Kung Fu Fightin' - complete with dance moves - just twenty minutes before they took to the field.

Pearce had made the 'you are already winners' speech after watching his side dramatically overcome Sweden on penalties in the semi-final, ending years of penalty misery for England. However, as the rueful boss told a press conference, 'the lads have taken it much too literally. I've said it very much as a football cliche, but obviously the boys haven't played in a major tournament before and they've taken it to mean they should let their foot off the gas. In all honesty half of them was three sheets to the wind by kick-off, and James [Milner] in particular's really gone for the vodka fountain.'

His counterpart Horst Hrubesch, by contrast, had prepared the German side for the game by telling them directly after victory in the semi-final that 'defeat would be an unthinkable crime, and would cost us our homes and lives'. The Germans won 4-0, the all-important second goal something of a gift from England keeper Scott Loach, who was using his BlackBerry to order party poppers at the time.

Gunners release eight and admit: 'We thought they were caterers'

Arsenal have cut ties with eight players in a bid to streamline their squad for the coming season and warn that "there could be loads more deadwood hidden away."

The summer clear-out at the Emirates Stadium has begun with Amaury Bischoff, James Dunne, Rui Fonte, Abu Ogogo, Paul Rodgers, Rene Steer, Vincent van den Berg and Anton Blackwoood all given their marching orders this morning.

And as the players begin the search for new employers their fragile egos will be bruised further by a statement from assistant manager Pat Rice.

"We released eight lads today, but in honesty we had no idea who they were," Rice told the club's website.

"They all had tracksuits with letters on, so we must have signed them at some point, but it only clicked that they were players when they asked me when pre-season training started. I'd seen them around in the corridors every now and again, but I thought they were catering staff or something.

"Our only fear now is that there could be literally hundreds more of these lads around the place picking up a pay packet. We would like to ask the fans to give us a call if they think of anyone who could still be knocking about."

Allardyce left scratching oversized head at Ruud snub

Chewing-gum addicted, no-nonsense manager Sam Allardyce admits he is hurt that former Manchester United star and world-class goal machine Ruud Van Nistelrooy has laughed off links with drab Premier League makeweights Blackburn Rovers.

Having lost their only two interesting players in Roque Santa Cruz and Matt Derbyshire, Rovers are desperate to bring in an unwitting big name before the start of next season to ensure that somebody turns up to watch their uninspiring string of lower mid-table contests.

Allardyce set his heart on Dutch international Van Nistelrooy, who is on the brink of leaving Real Madrid, but it seems the horse-faced marksman isn't keen on becoming the first man to trade the Bernabeu for Blackburn.

Interviewed on Dutch TV last night, Van Nistelrooy's agent Rodger Linse lapsed into hysterical laughter when told about interest from Blackburn. With tears streaming down his face, Linse was helped off the set of RTL Nederland's prime-time show: 'Hey Let's Talk About Football, Why Not Guys?' occasionally spluttering "Blackburn? That's a classic."

Nonetheless, ex-Newcastle United failure Allardyce, whose head is roughly the same size as a Mini Cooper, hasn't given up on luring his man despite admitting it 'may be tough' to persuade Van Nistelrooy to accept a 95 percent pay cut. 

Shrewsbury's Michael Jackson: At Last The Jokes Are Over

While most of the world mourned the death of King of Pop Michael Jackson yesterday, there was relief for the Shrewsbury central defender whose life has basically been ruined by having the same name. As tributes poured in from A-list celebrities in every corner of the globe, there was one dissenting voice - that of the former Bury and Preston veteran. 'I know it's kind of a tragedy, but obviously I'm delighted, in all honesty,' said the less-well-known Jackson, who has heard, on average, eleven jokes about his name every fucking day of his life since 1982. 'It's been a long twenty-seven years since Thriller came out.'

'Opposing fans singing about kiddy-fiddling. The [Bury] lads asking me where my chimp was. Even the guy in the bank glancing at my credit card and cracking up, going 'gutted, gutted'. You name it. I've had it.'

'So when the gaffer [Paul Simpson] texted me to say Jackson was dead, I actually punched the air in the middle of Wetherspoon's. At last people will know who the real Michael Jackson is. This is huge for me.'

'I've lived in his shadow for too long. Sure, he did some good songs, but I've made more than 400 league appearances. He played some big gigs, but did he have a League One Play-Off Final winner's medal?'

'Well, now he's dead. Thank Christ.'

After this, Jackson wrapped up the press conference in order to get in touch with his family, who had gone into mourning after hearing the news from L.A.

Redknapp In Surprise £40m Move For Redknapp

Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp was at the centre of more questions about his transfer dealings this morning, when it emerged that his first high-profile capture of the summer would be Jamie Redknapp, his son, who is heading to White Hart Lane in a deal worth a reported £40 million. The transfer fee, one of the biggest in football history, has raised some eyebrows among commentators, not least because Redknapp does not currently play for any club, having retired in 2004-5 to concentrate on advertisements and laboured punditry. But Redknapp Sr. says there is 'nothing irregular' about the deal, mediated by agent Mark Redknapp, which will see the eight-figure sum paid directly by Spurs to Louise Nurding, Redknapp's wife. 'It was just convenient to do it that way,' said Redknapp, 'with us all having each other's numbers and that. Is this interview going to take long? I've got a couple of people to see down the Old Kent Road.'

When asked what he felt the retired Jamie could add to Spurs' midfield, Redknapp Sr. briefly looked even more tired than usual, his eyes disappearing altogether for more than ten seconds. 'He's just a tricky little player who can make things happen for you.' When it was put to him that Redknapp had not played at any level for three years, having been forced out of the game by a recurrence of some of the 3,405 injuries which plagued him throughout his career, the Spurs supremo fudged the question, muttering that Jamie had 'actually been playing for Wigan' since 2005: a claim which could not be countered as nobody could recall watching a Wigan game.

Jamie Redknapp was also evasive on the subject of the landmark transfer, saying: 'I'm not even joking, mate. You fuckers pay up the full amount by Monday or my old man's going to have one or two things to say, put it that way. What? Oh, sorry, I thought you was the boys from Nintendo.'

It's not the first time the man known to football fans simply as 'Harry', and to tax inspectors by a host of other names, has been subjected to scrutiny over his machinations in the transfer market. While at West Ham he attracted criticism for the mysterious signing of Marco Boogers, who made only two appearances for the Hammers, and in 2007-8 he was investigated by the FA after his wife Sandra joined Portsmouth as a right-winger on a £70,000-a-week contract.

Barcode causes Bolton kit catastrophe

Bolton Wanderers are rueing the decision to include a barcode on the front of their 2009-10 home shirt as the new kit is causing chaos in the city's shopping centres. 

The dour northerners were relieved to discard last season's much-maligned 'waistcoat' kit, but Reebok have produced another horror show.

Aside from the ugly grey/blue blotches on the sleeves and collar, the new shirt, which is sponsored by traditional local company 188Bet, strangely has its barcode emblazoned on it.

Captain Kevin Davies didn't seem enamoured with his No 14 shirt and insisted on wearing a jumper over the top of it while modelling for the publicity posters.

But the club have a greater headache to deal with as the new shirt has been setting off shop alarms and interfering with supermarket scanners.

"It was only when I got home from Tesco and looked on my receipt that I noticed 'Bolton Home S/S £34.99' on it four times," Trotters fan Colin Heaton told The Bolton News. "I thought £141.12 was a lot for a pint of milk and a snickers." 

It has already been a shaky pre-season kit-wise with Newcastle United inexplicably bringing yellow and orange together for their away kit and Tottenham promising an investigation into child-like scribbles on their goalkeeper shirt.

Setanta boss baffled by lack of takers for endless stream of missable contests

Setanta Sports went off air today after collapsing under the weight of vast debts, but the company's managing director Roger Hall is still adamant that "it's the public that are in the wrong, we gave them wall-to-wall classics."

The Irish broadcaster set itself up as an alternative to Sky Sports by picking up the rights to some England internationals, Premier League games involving Wigan or Bolton and the Blue Square Premier.

At £9.99 per month, Setanta boasted that "if you love football, you'll at least be fairy excited by one or two of these games."

However, the schedule failed to wow the fans and, with the exception of pubs, just nine subscriptions had been bought by the end of the 2008-09 season.

"I stand by everything that we did," Setanta chief Roger Hall declared. "The problem is that you people [the general public] are stupid.

"We gave you Wigan-Everton at 5.15 on a Saturday afternoon, we gave you Conference games on Thursday and Friday nights. 

"We had Setanta Sports News, it was just the same as Sky Sports News but everything was yellow and black and everyone was slightly uglier and stupider. What more do you want?"

ESPN have bought up Setanta's share of football for next year and have agreed a deal with Sky Sports that will allow paying subscribers to pay for the right to pay to watch games like Aston Villa-Fulham.