A-League chief: Oh, who are we kidding?

The future of Australia’s A-League looks bleak after competition chief Archie Fraser admitted in a TV interview that even he was having trouble following this season.

Australians have embraced the Socceroos and will willingly watch an international match. But the domestic game is generally ignored if there’s a game of footy (Rugby League), footy (Australian Rules Football) or footy (cricket) on.

Aside from the fierce competition for spectators, the A-League has been hindered by its quasi-erotic name, many poorly named teams with purple or orange kits and Robbie Fowler.

With six games of the new season played and crowds already dropping off, A-League boss Archie Fraser hasn’t helped to steady the ship.

“Look, I’ve not really been watching myself,” he roared at smirking journalists.

“It’s all Central Coast Mariners this and Gold Coast United that. One team from New Zealand just thrown in. Honestly, who cares? I just can’t get into it. I mean North Queensland, where even is that?”

Uncommitted Campbell to link up with world’s most demanding manager in incomprehensible marriage of inconvenience

Sol Campbell is edging closer to a move to Roy Keane’s Ipswich Town with both parties happily predicting a “messy contract rescission after a few weeks, if not days.”

Ipswich are short of players after psychotic ex-beardy man Keane told 90 percent of the squad they would never play for him again following a sluggish start to the season.

Meanwhile, Campbell is again without a club after significantly reducing his commitment to Notts County from five years to seven days.

And Keane has made his interest clear, stressing that he would love nothing more than to snap up the England international and fall out publicly with him.

“I’m really keen to sign Sol,” Keane stressed. “I demand 100 per cent commitment from my lads and when I don’t get what I consider to be 100 per cent I start a vicious public spat and sack them.

“Bringing in Sol would give me a great opportunity to be disappointed by, start a training ground fracas with, and curtail the career of, one of the best central defenders in the country.”

Campbell, who has stated that he “would quite like to find a new club, I suppose’, also seems happy with the Portman Road option.

“Ipswich would work I guess,” he yawned. “Really anywhere’s fine. I’ll just have a kick around, get to know the lads and if I don’t like it I can always leave under a cloud, no biggie.”

UN Summit: Gaddafi demands explanation for Jermaine Jenas

NEW YORK—In an hour-long address before assembled UN diplomats on Wednesday, Libyan leader Muammar al-Gadaffi called on the international community to come clean over years of alleged Jermaine Jenas. 

 

“For years the United Nations has done nothing, despite repeated instances of Jenas”, claimed the eccentric premier, who seized power forty years ago in a coup d’etat. 

 

“We are told there are secret documents that justify Jenas, but there can be no justification. He is not a defensive midfielder. He is not an attacking midfielder. He is nothing but an imperialist nonsense.”

 

After a rambling, twenty-minute digression that took in topics from the Iraq war to the versatility of shoe polish, Gaddafi resumed his denunciation of the Nottingham-born 26-year old. “This is Tottenham”, he said, arranging his microphone, water glass and the contents of his pockets into a rough 4-4-2 formation.

 

He then asked delegates if anyone present could explain the frequent outbreaks of Jenas, “the insidious spectre created by Israel, probably, to blight the rest of the world”.

 

Colonel Gadaffi has previously demanded a permanent seat for Libya on the UN Security Council, the abolition of Switzerland, and the reinstatement of Livingston into the Scottish First Division.

 

Jermaine Jenas has played in the English top flight for seven years, according to reliable sources, though he is best known for a brief appearance in the 2005 film ‘Goal’.

Manchester Derby Still Going On

More than 72 hours after it kicked off at Old Trafford, Sunday's eventful derby between arrogant superpower Manchester United and arrogant non-superpower Manchester City was still going on last night, weary supporters reported. Using Twitter, Facebook and other means of communicating with the outside world, fans of both clubs appealed for the game to be brought to an end as United went 45-44 ahead, Darren Fletcher scoring from a header after being left unmarked at a corner for the eleventh time by City's expensive back four.

'Atkinson [match referee, seen above encouraging Kolo Toure to stay awake] has now played 4,360 minutes injury time,' reads one fan's Twitter post. 'Third official only held up three on the board.'

With the teams level at 25-25 around three in the morning on Tuesday, officials seemed on the point of bringing the game to an end, but the sight of a furious Sir Alex Ferguson on the sidelines, pointing to his watch, deterred them for long enough for Ryan Giggs - wearing his pyjamas and carrying a mug of cocoa - to put United ahead for the twenty-sixth time.

The match, still in progress at the time of going to press, is still some way short of the record: United's 2005 win over Middlesbrough, when they came back from a three-goal deficit after referee Mark Halsey controversially played a week of injury time after a game with few stoppages. But the FA's refereeing guru Keith Hackett has defended Atkinson's timekeeping, saying: '4,360 minutes might sound like a lot of injury time, but you've got to remember City took their time over several throw-ins'.

Carling Cup: Coyle wakes up in cold sweat realising Barnsley defeat was giant-killing

Burnley boss Owen Coyle has told journalists of the terrifying moment when he realised last night's Carling Cup exit at the hands of Championship side Barnsley could be labelled a "cup shock".

The Premier League new boys came unstuck against Mark Robins' Tykes on an evening of true northern grit at Oakwell that saw 14 Burnley players injured by no-nonsense tackles and scores of fans get hypothermia while bleating incomprehensibly at events on the pitch.

With the two sides having had similar fortunes in football's recent history, it was perhaps not immediately apparent that the result was in fact an enormous feat of giant-killing for Barnsley.

"It seemed just like a normal defeat to me," Burnley manager Coyle growled this morning screwing up his tear-stained cheeks.

"But I woke up in a cold sweat at 5am and it hit me that technically we had been giant-killed. I sent an email to the FA and they confirmed that this was a 'fairytale David and Goliath story.'

"Obviously I'm gutted and also stunned because you do tend to expect cup shocks to involve an unglamorous side upsetting a team of recognisable world-class stars, here it was more a case of functional underachieving Championship players narrowly beating functional overachieving Premier League newcomers."

FIFA demands age tests as Nigerian Under-17 squad displays 'love of Volvos, worrying knowledge of 80's power ballads'

Nigeria's Under-17 squad may have to take MRI bone scans ahead of October's World Cup as FIFA investigate claims that several of the players are "the wrong side of 40" following a team-bonding karaoke session last weekend.

There is a strong tradition of Nigerian players using false passports when moving to Europe in order to raise their value.

The most notable example is former Newcastle United nearly man Obafemi Martins who famously divided his age by two and subtracted three when he signed for Inter in 2002 at the official age of 18.

The latest furore has come as Nigeria prepares to host the Under-17 World Cup after more than half the squad were unable to present documents proving their age.

And the problem has intensified with claims that a number of the players are not in fact young prospects but jaded veterans.

Suspicions were raised when a group of players showed up to a team bonding night in Volvos and the whispers intensified when members of the squad performed seamless versions of 'Here I Go Again' by Whitesnake and 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley while nursing half-pints before leaving at 10pm when the music was "turned up too loud".

"Sure we have had our doubts about ages," Nigerian Football Federation chief Sani Lulu admitted. "It's inevitable when some of your Under-11 lads are already shaving and your Under-21s remember the Moon landings.

"But we just kept quiet because it's really hard to find genuine 16-year-olds who are any good. Kids are really bad at everything."

Triesman Harpoons Warnock's Car

In a development that has fuelled rumours of a massive personal vendetta against him, Neil Warnock has accused FA chairman Lord Triesman of firing a harpoon into his car.

The temperamental Crystal Palace manager has seen his week go from bad to worse following a humiliating 4-0 home defeat to Scunthorpe United, which saw his side booed off by disgruntled fans.

Last week Sheffield United ‘keeper Paddy Kenny was given an eight-month ban from professional sport as punishment for openly associating with Warnock for a period of five years.

And earlier today the habitually seething 60-year old tactician was facing a hefty hike in his insurance premiums after a long spearlike implement was pulled from his vehicle. No-one was hurt, according to a Crystal Palace spokesman, though Warnock nemesis Triesman, 65, was caught on CCTV scurrying away from the scene in a suspicious manner.

“The rear left door of the Neilmobile has been wrecked by what appears to be a toggling harpoon,” said an Eagles press officer, referring to Warnock’s stricken Suzuki Liana. “This is yet another example of the FA’s 40-year campaign to victimise Neil for their own perverted entertainment.”

"Neil does not bear grudges for no reason at all”, the statement continued. “His tremulous fury is both reasonable and proportionate. The bloodless mandarins of Soho Square have only themselves to blame for incurring his wrath.”

Lord Triesman could not be reached for comment. An FA spokesman would neither confirm nor deny reports their chairman was injecting a containment of oranges bound for Selhurst Park with arsenic while sending abusive text messages to Warnock’s children.