Lambert puts Europe's 123rd biggest competition above BBC's second best hospital-based drama

Norwich City manager Paul Lambert has expressed his disappointment at goalkeeper Michael Theoklitos’ decision to skip the JP Trophy clash against Gillingham stressing: ‘it’s not like anyone wanted to be there.”

The Canaries were left with just four substitutes for the clash in English football’s fourth most important club competition but still managed to record a 1-0 win to book another inconvenient date with a lower league side in mid-week.

Theoklitos’ only Norwich appearance to date came on the opening day of the season in a 7-1 demolition at home to Colchester United – a game that caused the dissolution of Bryan Gunn.

“I was literally just heading out the door when I saw an advert for Holby City,” the 28-year-old explained.

“I just couldn’t wait for iPlayer, I had to know how Chrissie would deal with her miscarriage.

“Oh yeah, and I wasn’t all that keen to go to one of Britain’s least glamorous destinations to contest a meaningless middle-round dirge fest on a rainy mid-week night, especially after the way it turned out last time I played.”

Norwich boss Lambert seemed unconvinced by the ‘keeper’s excuse and stressed that he expects his men to sacrifice even BBC’s flagship dramas for the chance of Johnstone’s Paint glory.

“I’m livid, mostly because I really didn’t want to go but I did, and so did the other players,” Lambert roared.

“Like everyone else I was worried about the prospect of a new CEO on Holby’s Darwin Ward and spent a lot of the evening dwelling on that, but I made the thankless trip to a godforsaken part of the country for a negligible win.”

Tsunami victims 'moved and humbled' by Cahill's tribute

Survivors of the tsunami which devastated Samoa this week have spoken of their relief and gratitude after Tim Cahill's goal celebration, following his winner against BATE Borisov, went a long way towards relieving the suffering caused by the natural disaster.

The Australian striker - who represented Samoa as a schoolboy - mimed paddling a canoe after his 80th minute strike had given Everton victory in the latest of the 972 matches making up this season's Europa League, and later explained that he intended the gesture as a mark of respect to the many islanders who lost their lives or homes in the catastrophic events. But the explanation was hardly necessary for the delighted Samoans, who hailed the celebration as 'exactly what we needed after a tough week'.

'This is really good of Cahill,' said Sammy Massa, whose house was destroyed by the flood-waters on Wednesday. 'Having spent the past 48 hours sleeping amongst the rubble of my former belongings and appealing for news of my loved ones, I was in two minds about watching BATE Borisov v Everton at all. I felt like I could probably put the ninety minutes to better use foraging for food, or something like that. But when I saw Cahill pretend to be in a boat, I knew it was worth it.'

Other survivors reported 'strong feelings of optimism' after the Everton hitman's efforts. 'It's given us a big lift,' one community leader remarked as he rigged a tarpaulin to shelter a family of twelve. 'Food and clothes and things are all very well, but you can't beat getting a mention in the Europa League. Especially after they'd come from behind and everything. That showed a lot of courage.'

Cahill has previously mimed being in handcuffs to show solidarity with his brother, following his imprisonment, and in the wake of 9/11 he showed his support for New Yorkers by miming a fireman bravely entering the Twin Towers only to be beaten back by the heat.

Hart ‘will drop pants for points’

Shocked passers by have reported that Portsmouth manager Paul Hart has spent much of the week begging outside Old Trafford in the hope of scavenging his first point of the season.

Hart, who is noted for having a forehead like an Ordinance Survey map, has been entrusted with the task of rearranging the deckchairs on Pompey’s sinking ship.

The incomprehensible northerner has been hindered by a shortage of footballers, a still more acute shortage of decent footballers and a complete lack of decent footballers who want to play for his team.

As a result, Portsmouth find themselves cut adrift at the bottom with BBC’s Final Score already putting an ‘R’ next to their name.

The air of crisis intensified when Hart failed to turn up to training this week and the mood at Fratton Park hasn’t been helped by the news that the manager has spent the last three days begging outside Old Trafford.

“It was actually really embarrassing to watch,” a Manchester United fan told journalists as he left the Champions League win over Wolfsburg.

“Hart was curled up on some cardboard boxes and he kept shouting to Sir Alex [Ferguson] and the Wolfsburg bloke [Armin Veh] that he just needed a point.

“He was going on saying that they had loads and that just one would keep a roof over his head. There were even signs he had scrawled on boxes saying things like, ‘Have a Hart: Give Paul a point’ and ‘Will drop pants for points’. I just couldn’t help thinking there must be a better way of going about things.”

A-League chief: Oh, who are we kidding?

The future of Australia’s A-League looks bleak after competition chief Archie Fraser admitted in a TV interview that even he was having trouble following this season.

Australians have embraced the Socceroos and will willingly watch an international match. But the domestic game is generally ignored if there’s a game of footy (Rugby League), footy (Australian Rules Football) or footy (cricket) on.

Aside from the fierce competition for spectators, the A-League has been hindered by its quasi-erotic name, many poorly named teams with purple or orange kits and Robbie Fowler.

With six games of the new season played and crowds already dropping off, A-League boss Archie Fraser hasn’t helped to steady the ship.

“Look, I’ve not really been watching myself,” he roared at smirking journalists.

“It’s all Central Coast Mariners this and Gold Coast United that. One team from New Zealand just thrown in. Honestly, who cares? I just can’t get into it. I mean North Queensland, where even is that?”

Uncommitted Campbell to link up with world’s most demanding manager in incomprehensible marriage of inconvenience

Sol Campbell is edging closer to a move to Roy Keane’s Ipswich Town with both parties happily predicting a “messy contract rescission after a few weeks, if not days.”

Ipswich are short of players after psychotic ex-beardy man Keane told 90 percent of the squad they would never play for him again following a sluggish start to the season.

Meanwhile, Campbell is again without a club after significantly reducing his commitment to Notts County from five years to seven days.

And Keane has made his interest clear, stressing that he would love nothing more than to snap up the England international and fall out publicly with him.

“I’m really keen to sign Sol,” Keane stressed. “I demand 100 per cent commitment from my lads and when I don’t get what I consider to be 100 per cent I start a vicious public spat and sack them.

“Bringing in Sol would give me a great opportunity to be disappointed by, start a training ground fracas with, and curtail the career of, one of the best central defenders in the country.”

Campbell, who has stated that he “would quite like to find a new club, I suppose’, also seems happy with the Portman Road option.

“Ipswich would work I guess,” he yawned. “Really anywhere’s fine. I’ll just have a kick around, get to know the lads and if I don’t like it I can always leave under a cloud, no biggie.”

UN Summit: Gaddafi demands explanation for Jermaine Jenas

NEW YORK—In an hour-long address before assembled UN diplomats on Wednesday, Libyan leader Muammar al-Gadaffi called on the international community to come clean over years of alleged Jermaine Jenas. 

 

“For years the United Nations has done nothing, despite repeated instances of Jenas”, claimed the eccentric premier, who seized power forty years ago in a coup d’etat. 

 

“We are told there are secret documents that justify Jenas, but there can be no justification. He is not a defensive midfielder. He is not an attacking midfielder. He is nothing but an imperialist nonsense.”

 

After a rambling, twenty-minute digression that took in topics from the Iraq war to the versatility of shoe polish, Gaddafi resumed his denunciation of the Nottingham-born 26-year old. “This is Tottenham”, he said, arranging his microphone, water glass and the contents of his pockets into a rough 4-4-2 formation.

 

He then asked delegates if anyone present could explain the frequent outbreaks of Jenas, “the insidious spectre created by Israel, probably, to blight the rest of the world”.

 

Colonel Gadaffi has previously demanded a permanent seat for Libya on the UN Security Council, the abolition of Switzerland, and the reinstatement of Livingston into the Scottish First Division.

 

Jermaine Jenas has played in the English top flight for seven years, according to reliable sources, though he is best known for a brief appearance in the 2005 film ‘Goal’.

Manchester Derby Still Going On

More than 72 hours after it kicked off at Old Trafford, Sunday's eventful derby between arrogant superpower Manchester United and arrogant non-superpower Manchester City was still going on last night, weary supporters reported. Using Twitter, Facebook and other means of communicating with the outside world, fans of both clubs appealed for the game to be brought to an end as United went 45-44 ahead, Darren Fletcher scoring from a header after being left unmarked at a corner for the eleventh time by City's expensive back four.

'Atkinson [match referee, seen above encouraging Kolo Toure to stay awake] has now played 4,360 minutes injury time,' reads one fan's Twitter post. 'Third official only held up three on the board.'

With the teams level at 25-25 around three in the morning on Tuesday, officials seemed on the point of bringing the game to an end, but the sight of a furious Sir Alex Ferguson on the sidelines, pointing to his watch, deterred them for long enough for Ryan Giggs - wearing his pyjamas and carrying a mug of cocoa - to put United ahead for the twenty-sixth time.

The match, still in progress at the time of going to press, is still some way short of the record: United's 2005 win over Middlesbrough, when they came back from a three-goal deficit after referee Mark Halsey controversially played a week of injury time after a game with few stoppages. But the FA's refereeing guru Keith Hackett has defended Atkinson's timekeeping, saying: '4,360 minutes might sound like a lot of injury time, but you've got to remember City took their time over several throw-ins'.