Fairly good striker is rank bad human

Unremarkable Wigan Athletic striker Marlon King has been jailed for assaulting a woman in a club and could also be charged with believing himself to be a better player than he is.

King has been sentenced to 18 months in prison after letting himself down even beyond the high standards set by Premier League footballers.

The occasionally fruitful marksman, who is married with two children, groped a woman in a bland, soulless London club before responding angrily to being knocked back.

The ex-Hull City man reportedly yelled: “Don’t you know who I am?” before punching his victim in the face, breaking her nose.

It has been suggested that King blew a fuse when bystanders were heard muttering: “I think it’s Dion Dublin, either him or Marlon Harewood.”

Already facing the ignominious fate of a sacking from Wigan, King may also be charged with the serious crime of thinking he’s a better player than he is.

This offence carries a sentence of at least two years playing for Middlesbrough.

Faroe Islands top two demand Atlantic League

The chairman of Faroe Islands champions EB has called for his side and runners-up HB to be allowed to leave their domestic league for an Atlantic Super League imploring: "These are two great clubs that deserve to be in a better circumstance than they are in."

The announcement from Streymur comes just weeks after Rangers stated their desire to leave the dull two-horse procession of the SPL for a cobbled-together mish-mash of second-rate European nonentities dubbed an ‘Atlantic League’.

Strangely there has been little support in Belgium or Holland for the scheme and clubs don’t seem to be jumping at the possibility of hosting hordes of leery, drunk, tattooed, Irn-Bru-drinking Glaswegians for the sake of lifeless sporting contests solely designed to keep two bored, jumped up clubs happy.

But the mention of the Atlantic League concept has given ideas to other lesser footballing nations where the title race has become stagnant, such as the Faroe Islands.

“We just feel that a club like ours deserves to be competing at a higher level,” EB chairman Birgir Enghamar insisted.

“EB and HB are very marketable clubs and there would be great interest in games with sides of similar prestige such as Skonto Riga, Ventspils, Amica Wroncki, Celtic and Rangers.”

While there is some support in the Faroe Islands for the clubs’ breakaway bid, others have suggested that the teams in question should try actually getting somewhere in the existing European competitions if they want to have an exciting season.

Faced with terrifying possibility of fulfilling potential, Spurs lose to Stoke to be on the safe side

Tottenham Hotspur have confirmed that they lost their Premier League clash against Stoke on purpose to “preserve the club’s proud tradition of underachievement.”

In a bizarre turn of events, Spurs made a powerful start to the season and find themselves in fourth place prior to last weekend.

However, the men in white moved towards the more familiar surroundings of mid-table by losing to Stoke.

A statement on Spurs’ website reassured fans that their defeat to long-throw loving charmless Potteries side Stoke City was premeditated.

“Tottenham Hotspur FC would like to make it known that yesterday’s 1-0 loss to Stoke City was a thrown game,” it reads.

“The directors met on Friday afternoon and expressed their anxiety at the current direction of the club and we unanimously decided that losing to a mediocre side with a sleazy, hatted coach would be the best path.

“Tottenham Hotspur has a rich history of achieving much less than the sum of its parts and we don’t intend to deny the loyal fans the chance to permanently feel slightly hard done by and make self-deprecating remarks.”

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp refused to comment on the match to journalists who approached him at a police auction in Dagenham but professed his delight at winning a job lot of dented car bumpers for a monkey.

After-goal music doesn’t play, fans left unsure whether or not to cheer

Disaster struck during Watford’s 4-1 win over Sheffield Wednesday as the sound system at Vicarage Road failed, leaving fans feeling awkward and confused after each goal.

Clubs realised in the 1990s that supporters needed to be reminded to be happy after a goal for their side and acted to pump loud, shit music into the stands to encourage celebration.

While there have been glitches, such as the CD switch that saw Everton play ‘No Distance Left To Run’ by Blur after an FA Cup extra-time winner over Liverpool, post-goal music has generally been a huge success.

However, on Friday evening Watford fans were left standing in silence after the Hornets’ four goals against Sheffield Wednesday after the PA system fused.

“We just didn’t know what to do,” loyal fan Martin Cross recalled tearfully.

“I looked around the stands and everyone looked embarrassed and slightly scared. A few guys tried to step up and made some kind of noise but it didn’t quite sound right.

“To be honest I was supporting Wednesday after the third goal because at least I could remember how to flail my arm angrily and mutter about the defence.”

Watford have apologised to fans and assured them that they are storing Sophie Ellis-Bexter in a cupboard in case of a similar problem in future.

FIFA admits it dropped the ball, promises to find loophole to stop Greece or Ukraine being at World Cup

FIFA are set to consult the Court for Arbitration in Sport to try and find a way to prevent the winner of the Greece v Ukraine World Cup 2010 qualification play-off spoiling next summer’s showpiece event.

The football world still hasn’t forgiven Greece for ruining Euro 2004 by winning the tournament with just three shots on goal.

Ukraine reached the quarter-finals of the phenomenally depressing 2006 World Cup but the memory of their insultingly dull second-round win over Switzerland lingers and has all but destroyed Ukraine’s fragile tourism industry and made the former Soviets targets for acts of aggression all over the world.

But after both teams plodded their way to second place in World Cup 2010 qualification, they were drawn together in a play-off with one side claiming a spot in South Africa.

After France and the Republic of Ireland were drawn together, FIFA chief Sepp Blatter appeared restless and when Ukraine were paired with Greece he was heard to mutter: “Ah shit!”

Now it has been revealed that FIFA are desperately searching for a way to prevent either of the shitty countries contesting 0-0 draws with Japan at the World Cup.

“I hold my hands up – we should’ve done more to prevent this,” a FIFA spokesman admitted.

“We’re trying to come up with something, maybe we could start some kind of conflict in those regions? It’d be a shame if people had to die to prevent Greece or Ukraine taking one of the 32 places at the World Cup, but I can assure football fans that FIFA will do what it takes.”

Beach ball thrower blasts fickle press

The fan who threw the beach ball that deflected a Darren Bent shot goal-wards to sentence Liverpool to defeat at Sunderland has hit out at the press for “only focusing on my bad games”.

Liverpool have a proud recent history of threatening a title challenge before dropping points against the Premier League minnows and slipping out of contention.

But it seems Rafa Benitez has decided to fast track the process this year and leave the title race before the New Year.

The Anfield outfit suffered a costly loss to Sunderland on Saturday after a Liverpool FC beach ball struck a Darren Bent shot and helped it into the net.

It has been a nightmare week for the man who threw the novelty gift, but he believes his record speaks in his defence.

“I’ve been doing this for years and one blip like this won’t affect me,” Mark Evans declared at his press conference this morning.

“I’m confident in my ability to lob an inflatable and I know that this was a one in 100 mistake.

“What really gets to me is that the press only want to know when it goes wrong. Nobody runs stories about my triumphs and I proved at Stoke that I can land a blow-up banana on a sixpence. I’ll be back for the Lyon game and I have every confidence I will deliver.”

Meanwhile, the beach ball has been given an honorary season ticket at the Stadium of Light and will do a lap of honour before the next home game against Aston Villa.

Milan concede Leonardo may have to be sacked / shot

Milan sporting director Adriano Galliani has conceded that he is weighing up the merits of a gangland hit on clueless Brazilian coach Leonardo.

After the departure of all-conquering tactical mastermind Carlo Ancelotti, the Rossoneri turned to lank-haired rookie Leonardo, who lost his surname in a card school at the 1994 World Cup.

Leonardo hasn’t made the ideal start to life on the bench with his men losing to FC Zurich and Udinese as well as being disembowelled in the Milan derby.

Sporting director Adriano Galliani has been quick to make excuses for the troubled tactician, who has an ageing, swarthy squad but now he seems to be losing patience.

“The current results aren’t good enough and although we have complete faith in Leonardo we are considering firing him or having him picked off,” Galliani declared in an interview with La Gazzetta dello Sport.

“In order to protect the image of the club we will be giving Leonardo a couple of weeks to sort things out, but he knows that another defeat will see him perish in a hail of bullets.”

A poll on Datasport.it revealed that 40 per cent of readers would like to see Leonardo ‘settled’, 30 per cent voted to save the floundering boss, while the other 30 per cent ticked the ‘mah beh + shrug of indifference’ button.