Italians 'not at all sure' where World Cup Trophy is

Italian officials are facing a race against time as they try and locate the FIFA World Cup Trophy in time for next Friday's 2010 group stage draw in Cape Town.

Football's men in suits are preparing to travel from every corner of the globe at huge expense to solemnly watch a series of numbered balls be drawn out of a pot and Italy's representatives are expected to bring the World Cup Trophy that they won in 2006 by dint of being the best of a very bad bunch.

However, once the celebrations died down in July 2006, Italian officials admit that they "kind of lost track of the trophy".

An emergency meeting of the Italian parliament concluded that FIGC officials should "try and remember where they last had it" but assured that it would "turn up as soon as they stopped looking for it."

It has since emerged that the accurately titled World Cup Trophy was last seen in Rome in August 2006 being carried in a bag for life by Prime Minister / AC Milan patron / national embarrassment Silvio Berlusconi but the priceless silverware seems to have dropped off the radar since.

Confidence in the Italian Football Federation's ability to recover the Cup is low with the mystery of who stole the entire Italian squad's clothing during the 2006 World Cup Final still unsolved (pictured).

Although the FIGC took swift action, ordering the Azzurri players to coat themselves in baby oil and pout, their handling of the situation has been criticised and the latest crisis won't help restore public confidence.

Wiley won't sue Fergie for 'unfit' jibe as trip to post box is 'such a schlep'

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson won't face a defamation suit for labelling referee Alan Wiley 'unfit' after the respected official admitted defeat in his bid to find a post box within comfortable walking distance of his Staffordshire home.

Serial moaner Ferguson ripped into Wiley after United's 2-2 draw with Sunderland at the start of October, claiming the result had been due to the ref's inability to keep up with the action.

Fergie took exception to Wiley spending nearly six minutes over a booking, making several decisions using binoculars and asking a fan behind the goal whether a late Patrice Evra effort had been deflected or not.

The criticism hit a sore spot for Wiley, who is fiercely committed to maintaining a high level of fitness, and he considered taking legal action. But it has now been confirmed that there will be no defamation suit as Wiley didn't send in the necessary paperwork.

"I had it all filled out and ready to go off but my car was being repaired in the garage," a breathless Wiley explained.

"I went all the way down to the main road but there wasn't a post box there. I think there's one down by the station but that's miles away. I guess the big managers are untouchable these days."

FIFA address goalline controversy with new 28-referee system

FIFA have taken swift action to calm the troubled waters of world football after the Thierry Henry scandal, announcing that from next year, all top-level matches will be refereed by a taskforce of twenty-eight officials. The system, secretly trialled at the last World Cup (see picture above), could be in place as early as January 2010, if two million new referees can be trained in time.

The authorities have been widely expected to approve calls for two new officials - one on each goalline - after successfully experimenting with such a system during this season's otherwise pointless Europa League. However, speaking from one of his palaces, FIFA President Sepp Blatter revealed that the changes would be more sweeping than anyone had anticipated. 'As well as the referees, assistants, 4th official and guys on the goallines,' Blatter told journalists, 'each player will be followed around by his own referee. Each of these referees will sit down with his personal player at various points during the match to take an audit of any shots, passes and tackles they have made. The 22 referees will then report back to the main match officials, who will collate the final score within a week of the end of the game.'

'With this simple system,' Blatter concluded, 'we hope to eradicate debates such as the one that followed France's match with Ireland, when Thierry Henry allegedly used his hand several times to control the ball, although it was very difficult to tell for certain.'

Blatter confirmed that FIFA were discussing further measures to address potential controversies. These are thought to include placing a CCTV camera inside the ball which feeds pictures back to a taskforce of MI5 and Interpol operatives; issuing each player with a PIN which he has to input into a card reader before taking a shot at goal; placing customs officials at the edge of each penalty area to ascertain the reason for players' visits; and chopping off Thierry Henry's hands.

However, Blatter said that FIFA were still reluctant to introduce video referees to check action replays of disputed goals: 'we do not feel there is any need for action as drastic as that'. Blatter added: 'Offside! Offside! Fuck's sake!... no, to be fair, he was just about level. I'm always getting those wrong.'

Cassano denies rift with pie

Sampdoria striker Antonio Cassano has denied reports of a bust-up with a delicious pie, insisting that his relationship with pie remains as strong as ever.

“I’ve had my problems in the past, with managers, referees, journalists, even with my own team-mates” admitted the 27-year old. “But with pie? Never. Pie has always been my good friend. These stories are simply false.”

According to reports in the Italian press, Cassano has been unhappy with the way that pie is frequently flaky, with an insufficiently moist filling to compensate for the dryness of the outer crust. Fan forums have linked the striker with a move for a tray of macaroons, while Twitter was recently abuzz with rumours of a link-up with baklava.

But the former Real Madrid and Roma man insisted he was happy with the pie on offer at Sampdoria, and was in fact making plans to extend his belt.

“I’ve spoken with the manager and the chairman, and with my agent, and before Christmas we’re all going to sit down together and sample a huge selection of pies. But I’ve made it clear that I can see myself eating pie at the Stadio Ferraris for the rest of my career, as long as the pie on offer remains the right pie for me.”

Sources close to pie were also quick to deny the rumours. “Anyone who suggests there are problems between pie and Antonio knows nothing about pie,” a spokesbiscuit told reporters yesterday. “These allegations are as baseless and insubstantial as a meringue.”

A return to the national team for Cassano looks unlikely, though, as Italy boss Marcello Lippi still blames him for the disappearance of all the after-dinner biscotti following a clash with Norway in 2005.

Citing Wigan refund as precedent, fans take beloved clubs to cleaners

Wigan Athletic's decision to refund fans who travelled to their 9-1 humiliation at White Hart Lane has brought about a devastating domino effect as supporters across the country have pushed for compensation payments ranging from £6.50 to £500,000.

After falling victim to Harry Redknapp's new strategy of scoring nine goals, Wigan captain Mario Melchiot declared that his side would be refunding the Latics fans who made the 6,000 mile trip to North London to watch their heroes get flayed by a fairly good side.

Sadly, this well-meaning gesture has had a huge knock-on effect as fans all over the country have submitted invoices to their clubs for past indignities.

Portsmouth face a bill of £6m to pay back the Fratton Park faithful for their dire start to the campaign and the entire crowd for August 29's Blackburn-West Ham bore draw have claimed back their hard-earned cash.

Mr Kevin Ardley, an elderly Grimsby Town fan, has delivered an 8,000-page report to Blundell Park in which he outlines his grievances and demands a settlement of nearly £500,000.

At the other end of the scale, Ian Kirwin of Milton Keynes - a Manchester United fan since 1996 - claimed £35 for "this time my uncle took me to see United play some shitty little team [Exeter City] in the FA Cup and they only drew."

The smallest claim of all was £6.50 from a Tottenham fan demanding compensation for "the 42 minutes when it was only 1-0 and we were missing loads of chances" during the 9-1 win over Wigan.

A few clubs are reportedly considering a "pay as they play" system to combat unforeseen refunds where a collection plate would be passed around after each goal, near miss and punch-up.

Dismay as Brownitez survive again

Public surprise was turning to anger last night as Phil and Rafa came through another judges' vote to remain in the Premier League, despite the pair's increasingly shambolic performances.

Sky Sports have received nearly 3,000 complaints after it was revealed that for the fifteenth consecutive week, no contestant was to leave the network’s top-rated entertainment programme. This is after Phil [above right] and Rafa yet again failed to take enough points to guarantee their safety during Saturday's programme, the latest in a series of fiascos to befall the orange-tinctured calamity twins.

The two had been tripped up earlier in the series by the Defending Set-Pieces task, the Don’t Gamble Your Season’s Transfer Kitty On A Famously Crock-Prone Midfielder challenge, and most notoriously the Brtiney Spears round, when a rendition of the star’s 2000 hit ‘Lucky’ turned into a call-and-response rap about controversial refereeing decisions in previous shows.

A Sky spokesperson defended the decision to stick with the goateed duo. “There is a loveable quality to Phil and Rafa,” she said. “Viewers can tell they’re out of their depth but they just keep plugging away. Everyone watching at home likes the idea that you don’t need to be successful or talented to get your face on the telly.”

She refused to be drawn on rumours, reported last week in Heat magazine, that glamour model Jordan is set to replace the troubled contestants as soon as she completes her UEFA Pro Licence.

Cunning Redknapp strikes gold with 'score nine goals' gameplan

Master tactician Harry Redknapp was basking in the glory of Spurs's biggest win of recent times today, after his plan of scoring eight goals in the second half proved too much for his opposite number Roberto Martinez, who had instructed his Wigan players to score 'one goal, maximum'.

Spurs marksman Jermain Defoe, who bagged no fewer than five goals in Tottenham's amazing 9-1 romp, gave the credit to boss Redknapp for a tactically astute half-time team-talk. 'The gaffer noticed that we was only winning 1-0,' revealed Defoe, 'and he told us that obviously if we could get some more goals, it would be harder for Wigan to catch us up.'

'We was thinking maybe two or three, but the boss says to us: 'no, let's have a whole load of goals. Try and get eight. If you get eight, we'll have nine and that should easily be enough to win the game.' Some of the lads wasn't convinced it would work, but obviously, the scoreline speaks for itself.'

A spokesman told Back Of The Net that Redknapp was unavailable for comment today, having been called away to Monte Carlo to settle some debts, but an insider revealed: 'Harry came up with the plan a couple of weeks ago after the Arsenal game. He told the players to try and concede two or three goals in that game, and obviously the result was disappointing. So in the week following that, he got the calculator out and hit on the scheme of scoring a shitload of goals against Wigan.'

Redknapp's spokesman was understandably tight-lipped on the question of whether the Spurs boss would employ the successful tactic in their next game, against Aston Villa. But with rumours circulating that Villa supremo Martin O'Neill is instructing his own side to win 4-3, fans are bracing themselves for a classic.