Spanish nurses prepare sympathy strike over La Liga tax hike

The people of Spain have rallied around their beloved La Liga stars after it emerged that top-earning foreign players may see their tax contributions doubled next year.

From 2010, those earning more than £500,000 per year may see their modest pay packet slashed by a tax bill of 43 percent, leaving some of Europe's most vulnerable workers struggling on the bread line.

Real Madrid and Barcelona stars are well known for their frugal lifestyles but this new measure could reduce top footballers' wages to the meager level of a judge or a partner in a law firm.

While the current crop of La Liga stars would be immune to the new law, the Spanish public have reacted with indignation at the idea that the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo may have to cut their monthly hot-pants budget in half.

And the Union of Spanish Nurses and Medical Support Staff has pledged to call a sympathy strike should La Liga's players decide to draw up picket lines.

"I don't know what kind of world we live in when a footballer, who belts a ball around a patch of immaculately cut grass for several hours a month, has to make do with around £1m a year," spokeswoman Gracia Jimenez declared.

"That represents a mere 50 times what we are paid for simply tending to the sick and dying."

The threat of a tax hike has already started to affect players considering a move to Spain.

Ajax striker Luis Suarez, a target for Barcelona, has reportedly started to tighten his belt by selling off his diamond encrusted spare boot bag and laying off forgotten pop star Natalie Imbruglia, who had been hired to sing to him in the bath on Sundays.

United celebrate 10,000th last-minute goal

Manchester United are planning a pre-game ceremony ahead of their November 21 clash with Everton to mark the club's 10,000th last-minute goal, which secured Champions League qualification against CSKA Moscow yesterday evening.

A weakened United side struggled to grab a 3-3 draw against the fifth best team in Russia but an Antonio Valencia strike in the dying seconds proved enough to secure a place in the last 16 and escape a Group of Death that also contained seventh-placed German side Wolfsburg and Besiktas - one of the best three teams in Istanbul.

But it is the manner of United's qualification that has delighted the club's directors as the Red Devils benefitted from their 10,000th goal to be scored after the 90th minute of a match.

Sir Alex Ferguson's men have a rich tradition of jammy late goals and famously won the title five times in the 1990s without finding the net before the 88th minute of any game.

And in honour of their milestone, Manchester United plan to hold a ceremony on the Old Trafford pitch before their routine win over Everton on November 21.

A host of household names will be paraded in front of the fans, including referee Martin Atkinson, who played nearly four days in United's dramatic derby win over Man City in September.

However, mahogany-faced manager Ferguson wasn't in party mood after the CSKA draw. The Scotsman blasted the match referee for "two or three perfectly good goals" scored during the warm-down that weren't included in the final score.

Baffled by unpopularity, Ashley announces plan to piss on Newcastle shirt

In the latest in a series of PR measures designed to win over hostile supporters of Newcastle United, millionaire owner Mike Ashley today unveiled a plan to urinate on a Newcastle shirt in the centre circle at half-time during Saturday's fixture with Peterborough United.

Ashley has inexplicably struggled to warm the hearts of the Toon Army since taking control of the club in 2007, despite a host of crowd-pleasing gestures, which have included saddling the club with crippling debts, installing unpopular managers and a pointless Director of Football, allowing folk hero Kevin Keegan to leave, and eventually steering a shambolic, demoralised outfit towards the Championship. Even his latest olive branch to the fans - proposing to sell the name of the hallowed, centuries-old St James' Park to the highest corporate bidder - has failed to generate the expected goodwill from the club's sizeable, disgruntled fan base.

At a press conference today, Ashley acknowledged that the Newcastle supporters have been 'a tougher nut to crack' than he imagined, but confidently predicted that Saturday's stunt will be 'the most popular yet'. 'I'm going to get the shirt worn by Alan Shearer in the 1997/8 season and wee on it in full view of the Gallowgate end. Then I'm going to go up in a crane and scrub Jackie Milburn's name off the Milburn Stand. And if all this goes well, I've got an encore planned where I do this song about Bobby Robson being illegitimate.'

'If all that doesn't finally please the fans,' concluded Ashley, 'I'm going to start to wonder if they have it in for me, or something.'

Blue Peter presents Pogatetz the dog

It has been confirmed that the new Blue Peter dog will be named Pogatetz in honour of injury-prone Middlesbrough stalwart Emanuel Pogatetz.

Blue Peter is one of the longest-running children's TV shows in the UK and since 1958 the presenters have been joined by a string of pets including dogs, cats and horses.

On the eve of the newest pet's on-air introduction, it has been leaked that the Irish Setter-Dachshund Cross will be named Pogatetz after a viewer vote.

Nearly 10,000 texts or emails chose the Austrian stopper's name, which beat competition from popular choices Fluffy, Woofy and Sinama-Pongolle.

Emanuel Pogatetz becomes the second footballer to earn this unlikely CBBC honour. In 2005, a Blue Peter cat was named Vennegoor of Hesselink but it sadly lost popularity with the viewers after a string of forgettable performances.

Fairly good striker is rank bad human

Unremarkable Wigan Athletic striker Marlon King has been jailed for assaulting a woman in a club and could also be charged with believing himself to be a better player than he is.

King has been sentenced to 18 months in prison after letting himself down even beyond the high standards set by Premier League footballers.

The occasionally fruitful marksman, who is married with two children, groped a woman in a bland, soulless London club before responding angrily to being knocked back.

The ex-Hull City man reportedly yelled: “Don’t you know who I am?” before punching his victim in the face, breaking her nose.

It has been suggested that King blew a fuse when bystanders were heard muttering: “I think it’s Dion Dublin, either him or Marlon Harewood.”

Already facing the ignominious fate of a sacking from Wigan, King may also be charged with the serious crime of thinking he’s a better player than he is.

This offence carries a sentence of at least two years playing for Middlesbrough.

Faroe Islands top two demand Atlantic League

The chairman of Faroe Islands champions EB has called for his side and runners-up HB to be allowed to leave their domestic league for an Atlantic Super League imploring: "These are two great clubs that deserve to be in a better circumstance than they are in."

The announcement from Streymur comes just weeks after Rangers stated their desire to leave the dull two-horse procession of the SPL for a cobbled-together mish-mash of second-rate European nonentities dubbed an ‘Atlantic League’.

Strangely there has been little support in Belgium or Holland for the scheme and clubs don’t seem to be jumping at the possibility of hosting hordes of leery, drunk, tattooed, Irn-Bru-drinking Glaswegians for the sake of lifeless sporting contests solely designed to keep two bored, jumped up clubs happy.

But the mention of the Atlantic League concept has given ideas to other lesser footballing nations where the title race has become stagnant, such as the Faroe Islands.

“We just feel that a club like ours deserves to be competing at a higher level,” EB chairman Birgir Enghamar insisted.

“EB and HB are very marketable clubs and there would be great interest in games with sides of similar prestige such as Skonto Riga, Ventspils, Amica Wroncki, Celtic and Rangers.”

While there is some support in the Faroe Islands for the clubs’ breakaway bid, others have suggested that the teams in question should try actually getting somewhere in the existing European competitions if they want to have an exciting season.

Faced with terrifying possibility of fulfilling potential, Spurs lose to Stoke to be on the safe side

Tottenham Hotspur have confirmed that they lost their Premier League clash against Stoke on purpose to “preserve the club’s proud tradition of underachievement.”

In a bizarre turn of events, Spurs made a powerful start to the season and find themselves in fourth place prior to last weekend.

However, the men in white moved towards the more familiar surroundings of mid-table by losing to Stoke.

A statement on Spurs’ website reassured fans that their defeat to long-throw loving charmless Potteries side Stoke City was premeditated.

“Tottenham Hotspur FC would like to make it known that yesterday’s 1-0 loss to Stoke City was a thrown game,” it reads.

“The directors met on Friday afternoon and expressed their anxiety at the current direction of the club and we unanimously decided that losing to a mediocre side with a sleazy, hatted coach would be the best path.

“Tottenham Hotspur has a rich history of achieving much less than the sum of its parts and we don’t intend to deny the loyal fans the chance to permanently feel slightly hard done by and make self-deprecating remarks.”

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp refused to comment on the match to journalists who approached him at a police auction in Dagenham but professed his delight at winning a job lot of dented car bumpers for a monkey.