Keane 'generally enjoyed trip to Paris'

Republic of Ireland striking star Robbie Keane insists he had a "grand time" in Paris in spite of his side's heartbreaking World Cup 2010 qualification play-off defeat.

Hampered by the loss of their trademark luck, the Irish were denied a trip to South Africa by a William Gallas goal, scored after Thierry Henry had tossed the ball from hand to hand like a pizza chef flipping dough.

Amazingly, none of Henry's 19 handballs were seen by referee Martin Hansson and Robbie Keane's first-half goal proved insufficient to prevent despicable clown Raymond Domenech and his charmless underachievers reaching the finals.

But the disappointment at the Stade de France didn't seem to ruin culture buff Keane's enjoyment of the French capital.

"I had a terrific time," he beamed at bemused journalists. "On Tuesday night we went for a walk along the Seine and then had dinner at Les Deux Magots. Just to be in the same seats that the likes of Hemingway, Breton and Camus frequented was a humbling experience.

"And before the game we managed to squeeze in a visit to the Louvre and the Musee d'Orsay where I was lucky enough to get a chance to discuss the work of Edouard Vuillard with Guy Cogeval himself.

"Obviously the game didn't quite go as planned with the failure to qualify as a result of cheating and that, but still Paris was grand."

Manager Giovanni Trapattoni was also keen to stress that he "couldn't remember the last time he had been to Paris" and described the mid-week trip as "an unexpected joy at my age."

Luck of the Irish ran out in 2003, officials discover

The famous 'Luck of the Irish', an unexplained cosmic loophole which traditionally allows the Republic of Ireland to overachieve at international football tournaments, expired several seasons ago, it was revealed today.

The Irish have enjoyed considerable success by invoking the rule, most famously when they used it to progress to the quarter-finals of the 1990 World Cup without winning a game in normal time, forcing a corner, or completing any passes. The LOTI also secured Ireland's passage to the knockout stages in 2002 after they had been outplayed by both Cameroon and Germany. It has been one of the most popular cliches for commentators sentimentalising Irishness, second only to constant mentions of 'pints of the black stuff flowing' every time the men in green lose by fewer than four goals.

This year, however, Ireland look set to miss out on qualification despite generally strong performances, thanks to a brutal draw which has pitted them against both Italy and France. After a fortunate deflected winner in Saturday's first leg with France left the Irish with a mountain to climb, FoI President David Blood launched an informal inquiry. He discovered, according to insiders at Croke Park, that the Luck of the Irish was not renewed in time for Euro 2004, and has been discontinued. 'We wondered what had happened to all those scrambled goals from dubious corners, and qualifying groups full of joke teams like the Faroe Islands,' Blood lamented. 'Turns out

we no longer have our ancient right to skank our way through competitions with functional set-plays.'

'Feck!' added Blood.

It has not yet been established why the Luck of the Irish was rescinded. One theory suggests that the Irish gods were upset by the appointment of non-Irishman Mick McCarthy as manager, but this seems unlikely to have been the cause, as the 1990 World Cup squad was famously managed by an Englishman and contained as many as eight players who had never been to, or heard of, Ireland. Others think the LOTI may have been transferred to Ireland's rugby team, who won the Grand Slam this year after Wales's Stephen Jones missed a decisive last-second penalty.

'But to be honest,' Blood admitted, 'we might have just forgotten to send the forms back after the party to welcome back the 2002 heroes [from South Korea, where Ireland reached the last sixteen]. Now, there was a grand night with some great craic.'

This is not the first blow to Irish heritage in recent years. The legendary Blarney Stone famously lost its magical powers after being urinated on by members of an English stag party, and the nation's official nickname was changed to 'The Emirates Emerald Isle' after a sponsorship deal in 2007. But Blood promised fans that 'whatever happens in Paris, win, lose or draw, the black stuff will be flowing back home.'

Dozens irate as ancient Honduras-Latvia rivalry surfaces again

Honduras is recovering from a massive hangover after the nation's notoriously fiery football fans ran amok in Tegucigalpa in the early hours of Sunday morning to celebrate Los Catrachos' 2-1 win over Auld Enemy Latvia.

Tensions between Honduras and Latvia are centuries old and many questioned the decision to bring the former Soviets over 6,000 miles to the hostile environment of Central America.

Over 30,000 fans turned up to the so-called friendly with many wearing t-shirts or sporting banners with anti-Latvian slogans such as "Death to those with plural names" and "Astafjevs sounds like a type of biscuit".

The atmosphere was fraught throughout the contest but the dismissal of Dzintars Peas angered the seven-strong travelling support and a last-gasp winner from headline-writer's friend Georgy Welcome brought things to boiling point.

Honduran fans spilt onto the streets of capital Tegucigalpa in frenzied celebration after vanquishing their hated foes. Police reported serious damage to several shops and hotels in the Latvian quarter of the city and several men were arrested for inciting racial hatred.

"We had no choice but to take them in," police chief Edgardo Villeda explained. "They were stood outside Georgys Pajtars' All-Night Latvian Food Emporium openly mocking Latvia's 159 non-marine molluscs.

"I have to say that I question the choice to play this friendly, everyone knows that a Latvia shirt is like a red rag to a bull in these parts."

Premier League to Old Firm: "Do a little dance"

The prospect of Rangers and Celtic joining the Premier League hinges on whether the two Glasgow teams are prepared to dance for the amusement of their English counterparts, it emerged yesterday.

“We are confident that all legal, financial and scheduling issues can be swiftly overcome,” announced Wolves supremo Steve Morgan, speaking on behalf of the twenty Premier League chairmen.

“We are seeking assurances from representatives of both clubs, however, that they are prepared to pull a series of far-out shapes—as dictated by us—to demonstrate their commitment to the English game.”

The ‘do a little dance’ condition was passed by a 14-6 majority after chairmen rejected other suggested terms, including that the Old Firm ‘shine our shoes’, ‘eat a tablespoon of cinnamon’, and ‘demonstrate a willingness to engage with questions of security and policing’.

Peter Lawwell, Celtic chief executive, was upbeat about his club’s chances. “We have to be satisfied with the outcome of these discussions”, he told reporters. “I’m looking forward to getting out there and busting my most extreme moves.

“It’s a historic challenge for this football club, obviously, but one that we’ll approach with the same spirit, resolve, and slinky thighs of the Lisbon Lions in 1967.”

Rangers chairman Alastair Johnston, who replaced notoriously uncoordinated butterball David Murray in August, was similarly confident. “We feared they’d want us to eradicate sectarianism or something equally ridiculous, but this is far more feasible,” he said.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 2 on Ally McCoist’s Wii.”

Accoring to reports, Johnston and Lawwell will be made to wear kitten heels and skin-hugging leotards chosen by Portsmouth FC non-executive chairman Sulaiman al-Fahim. Reports that al-Fahim is merely a front for a consortium of unnamed Abu Dhabi-based designers have been strenuously denied by all parties.

Confused Vassell to support Vampire Weekend on February tour

Darius Vassell's incomprehensible spell in Turkey is drawing to a disappointing conclusion, but the decent-enough striker's agent has pounced to secure him a high-profile return to the UK, supporting Congolese influenced American indie outfit Vampire Weekend on their forthcoming tour.

After a career of modest achievement, described in his recent autobiography 'Darius Vassell: Respectable Player, Reasonable Life', the diminutive frontman shocked the football world last summer by joining Turkish minnows Ankaragucu.

An uneasy Vassell was given a hero's welcome and briefly became President of Turkey but the bubble burst when Ankaragucu realised they had spent every penny they had (and several million pounds they didn't have) on the England international.

Overnight Ankaragucu folded with the club rebranding itself as a meat-packing enterprise, but Vassell's agent Michael Lowe moved quickly to spare his client from an early morning tripe packaging induction and book him in as the support act for Vampire Weekend on their February 2010 UK tour.

"I just made some calls to a few people and after several hours we had a deal," Lowe enthused. "This is a great switch for my client and I'm sure we'll see the real Darius Vassell in England."

While his representative seems upbeat, Vassell was a little more cautious as he left the Crowne Plaza Hotel, still cramming bottles of shampoo into his backpack.

"I guess I'll give it a go, but it's not really what I had in mind when I suggested a move back to England," he admitted.

"There are some tough tests ahead with trips to Manchester, Leeds and Birmingham in quick succession - that will be an important period for me."

The Vampire Weekend are known to be long-term admirers of Vassell and a source close to the band insisted they are "thrilled" to have been given the chance to play alongside the pint-sized predator.

Crouch on red alert as victorious Haye looks for more tall people to hit

Tottenham striker Peter Crouch is among a group of Premier League footballers fearing for their lives, it was revealed today, as new WBA Heavyweight World Champion David Haye - fresh from his conquest of 7ft 2in Nikolai Valuev - seeks the next victim in his devastating spree of lofty-people-punching.

Haye, now among the hottest property in the sport, was widely expected to tackle American John Ruiz next, eventually moving on to veteran brothers Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko. But in a typically outspoken press conference yesterday the London-born slugger announced that he 'can't wait that long to hit another tall bastard' and 'has his people on the lookout for a lanky streak of piss to knock around'.

'I hate people taller than me,' roared Haye, who was picked up by TV cameras screaming 'fucking beanpole!' as he went toe-to-toe with his Russian opponent on Saturday. 'I hate the way they can reach things down from shelves and they're always standing in front of me at Glastonbury. And I hate the way they always get a flick-on when a corner comes over, and are surprisingly good with the ball on the deck.'

This final comment seemed squarely aimed at Crouch, and the Met Police put the England target man under protection when an eye-witness report claimed that Haye had been seen in the vicinity of White Hart Lane, studying the Spurs squad through binoculars and muttering 'look at the bloody size of him'.

Other players over six foot three - Haye's own height - have been also advised to remain vigilant, with Zat Knight and Kanu among those put at risk by Haye's irrational hatred of the tall. Sunderland keeper Marlon Fulop was allegedly also lined up by Haye's management, but does not have the necessary profile to attract the estimated $120 million purse necessary for the boxer to 'totally beat the crap out of some great big lump'.

Gerrard secretly hoping for injury to get worse

Fed up with having to carry an entire team of under-achievers, long-suffering Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard is now actively seeking a worse injury than he already has, according to sources in the Anfield camp.

Despite being less than fifty percent fit, Gerrard limped off the bench last night to save a point for the inconsistent Reds, coolly slotting home a controversial penalty with his one functional leg. It was the latest in a series of heroic rescue missions by Liverpool's overworked talisman. Earlier this season he notched the winner at Bolton despite being unable to walk, diverting a Yossi Benayoun cross into the net with one of his crutches. And last year, the 29-year-old famously netted two goals against Real Madrid despite being in a coma, after boss Rafa Benitez picked him ahead of a fully fit Dirk Kuyt.

But an unusually frank interview after last night's disappointing draw suggests that Gerrard is coming to the end of his patience. 'I've had enough of playing alongside this shower of shit,' the Liverpool skipper told a startled press conference. 'It's all right when Fernando [Torres] is around, but the rest of them, I ask you.'

'I mean, who the hell is David Ngog? Is he even a professional footballer? It looks like some sort of anagram.'

There are fears among those close to Gerrard that he is now on a mission to collect a season-long injury, after Sky TV action replays showed him deliberately trying to get hit in the face by a Cameron Jerome shot, lying down in front of Sebastian Larsson in the hope of being trampled by the Birmingham player's studs, and leaping onto the bonnet of Albert Riera's BMW in the car park afterwards. An Anfield insider commented: 'We're all worried he's going to do something really stupid next, like swallowing poison, or playing in England's pointless friendly against Brazil.'