Thursday, 30 July 2009
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Hughton's Newcastle, who have endured a torrid summer, year, decade and recent history, will be the subject of renewed mockery after their mauling at Brisbane Road, but the temporary boss - now into his fifth year in charge as the club continues to flounder in administrative chaos - insisted that they would take 'a lot of positives' from their latest indignity. 'For a start, we got a goal,' said Hughton, 'which would have been enough to win the game, had we not conceded a half-dozen. Then there was the good work done by all the backroom staff to arrange the fixture and decide on the kick-off time and all that, which went smoothly. Also, I thought the lads looked very neat in their kits. And Habib [Beye] won £5 on a fruit machine in the services on the way down.'
'So all in all we'll be approaching the new season with confidence.'
In Pretoria, Mark Hughes was disappointed to see his expensive side lose to the Kaiser Chiefs, who fielded only five players. 'We should have made better use of the space,' lamented the Welshman, who said his players 'allowed the Chiefs to dictate the pace, which was moderate to fast, with three chords'. He admitted City's defence had had trouble keeping Chiefs frontman Ricky Wilson quiet. 'He just kept coming out with pithy observations about society, in a distinctive, slightly grating northern drawl. If he keeps doing that, he's going to cause a lot of trouble this season.'
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
An insider at the BBC has revealed that a ‘crack team of award-winning comedians’ are working overtime to provide dour pundit Mark ‘Lawro’ Lawrenson with material ahead of the 2009-10 Premiership kick-off.
A defensive stalwart of Liverpool’s unrealistically successful side of the 1980s, Lawrenson had no trouble finding work with the BBC after hanging his boots up, but the man once touted as the ‘third Chuckle Brother’ has failed to live up to the hype.
Hurt by the results of recent focus groups that saw Lawro lose out to Mark Pougatch in the popularity stakes after another season of workmanlike punditry, the Preston native called himself back from holiday in Magaluf ahead of schedule in order to begin top secret meetings with some of contemporary comedy’s keenest minds.
“Lawro wasn’t happy with his performances last year,” a BBC source told us.
“There was a period of real soul-searching where he was asking everyone whether they thought he was funny – it was really awkward.
“You have to remember this is the man who came up with such classics as ‘easy for you to say’ and ‘that’s one word for it’. Mark has high standards when it comes to comedy and he’s his own harshest critic.”
Reports from Broadcasting House suggest that a ‘psychotic looking’ Lawrenson has been putting in 16-hour shifts with a writing team that cost him £1m to assemble.
He has also reportedly told friends that his material ‘shits on Lineker’ and pledged that ‘people will have to reassess what they know about comedy after this season’.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Monday, 20 July 2009
As mild-mannered boss Gareth Southgate prepared what he called a 'stiffly worded text message' to the disappearing star, Mido phoned in to say that he'd 'not allowed for there being so much traffic between Egypt and Middlesbrough' but would 'be there in a jiffy, definitely by Christmas.'
Southgate has endured a difficult summer as he attempts to rebuild for the Championship campaign. He was forced to sell star asset Stewart Downing, who won his 23-year battle to leave Boro last week; discovered that Boro would play all their games at Plymouth next season; and underwent surgery to coax his face out of the philosophical pout of gentle disappointment in which it spent the entire period from September to May. 'Mido is pushing his luck here,' said a source close to Southgate. 'You don't want to see Gareth when he's angry. You've never seen anyone tut and shake their head so much.'