Brave Celtic's Champions League Run Almost Over

Scottish football faced heartbreak once more last night as Celtic's 1-0 home defeat by Dinamo Moscow left them on the brink of elimination, after a heroic run which has taken them to within ten months of the Final.

In the tradition of Scottish Premier League runners-up - who in the last ten years have included Celtic, Rangers, Rangers, Rangers, Celtic, Celtic, Rangers, Celtic, Rangers and Celtic - the Bhoys suffered bitter disappointment when the draw pitted them against a team from a league with some sort of competitive aspect. Nonetheless, hopes were high that under new manager Tony Mowbray, the Hoops might mount a serious challenge in Europe this season. Chairman John Reid told the press that 'this defeat is a serious blow to our hopes of scraping into the group stages, losing to Milan and PSV, drawing with some Danish team, and being essentially out by Christmas.'

Reid harshly criticised his fellow SPL chairmen last week over their deal with collapsed broadcaster Setanta, one of the only broadcasters who could be bothered to show the endless series of ugly or one-sided games which make up Scotland's domestic league. But after another in the interminable series of defeats for the Auld Firm at the wrong end of the European season, Reid admitted: 'Perhaps I should spend less time in-fighting, more time assessing why exactly Scottish football is such a pile of crap that it almost single-handedly killed off Setanta.'

'But there you go,' added Reid. 'I'm an ex-politician so I haven't got a fucking clue about most things, to be fair.'

Mowbray was still optimistic that the Bhoys would progress to the knockout, or 'actual', stages of the competition. 'All we've got to do is win in Moscow,' he said. 'I don't see what's stopping us, other than the fact that Russian teams are famously hard to beat at home and Scottish teams are useless away from home. ' He added that the club's Champions League run had 'already been creditable', since it will be 'well into August' before they are officially eliminated. This compares favourably to the 2004 Champions League bid of Rangers, who were knocked out as soon as they qualified for the competition, UEFA emailing them to say 'realistically, you're best off out of this.'

One Scottish football expert described this as 'our darkest day in Europe since Motherwell lost to Llanelli back in the middle of July'.

Pearson's Press Statement 'Officially Most Boring Of All Time'

Leicester manager Nigel Pearson has broken the world record for the most boring statement ever given to journalists, it was confirmed today. Experts emerged from a 10-hour emergency analysis of Pearson's remarks on possible signing Leroy Lita to publish their verdict this morning. The panel unanimously agreed that the comments 'did not contain a single word which was not a cliche' and were 'staggeringly dull'.

Speaking to BBC Radio Leicester about the Foxes' pursuit of big-headed talent Lita, Pearson said: 'We will see what happens. I know there's a lot of speculation about him [Lita] but I wouldn't like to make any comment at the moment. If we can improve we will but at the moment I can't really elaborate on that. I won't bring players in for the sake of bringing players in.'

Within minutes, the statement had been referred to the panel, who scanned it extensively to see if a single meaningful word could be found in it. When their search was unsuccessful, the scientists concluded that Pearson had 'set a new bar for managers talking pointless crap'. Pearson's record breaks that set in 2007 by Bryan Robson, who said after his Sheffield United side had drawn with Plymouth: 'we've started the game well and they've come back into it and in the end I think a point each is about right.'

Leicester chairman Milan Mandaric said he was 'delighted' Pearson - who won promotion at the first attempt after taking over from certified lunatic Ian Holloway - was continuing to put the Midlands club back on the map, and there is' no chance of him being sacked for five or six weeks at least.'

Crouch's Purchasers Unsure How To Assemble Him

After announcing the £10m signing of Peter Crouch this morning, Tottenham admitted several hours later that they were 'still struggling' to put together the flat-packed striker, who was delivered in seven pieces from Fratton Park once negotiations had been completed last night.

'How the hell are you meant to...' a baffled Harry Redknapp asked reporters, studying an incomprehensible set of instructions scribbled down by Crouch's previous owner, Pompey boss Paul Hart. 'He said it went up in ten minutes,' Redknapp lamented, shaking his head in despair, half-an-hour later. 'Ten minutes! If this is ten minutes, I've never been investigated by the FA!'

At eleven feet tall, Crouch is an impractical size for most homes, but his wide range of functions - including heading, knock-downs, WAG-shagging, and briefly-amusing-dance-inventing - attracted Redknapp, who had been looking for a target man to spearhead Spurs' campaign for 10th place next season. 'He looked great in the catalogue,' said Redknapp, his face even redder than usual, 'but look at all these bits here. I mean, you need a degree in bloody engineering!' The permanently tired-looking boss was later said to be looking into the possibility of purchasing a degree in engineering online.

Crouch - manufactured by a team of German automobile technicians as a by-product of a secret experiment in the seventies - was unable to comment as he was still in pieces on the floor. He has previously played for (among others) Aston Villa, Southampton, and Liverpool, where he was out of action for three months after Sami Hyypia took him home to show the kids and lost the remote control.

Pre-Season Friendlies: Newcastle Find Positives After 6-1 Defeat, Man City Lose To Indie Band

Newcastle caretaker manager Chris Hughton was upbeat this evening after his side suffered a 6-1 defeat to League One side Leyton Orient, claiming that the margin of defeat 'could have been more like three or four if we'd had a bit of luck', and pointing out that 'other than the thrashing by a mid-table third-tier side, the trip to London was a success', after his squad managed to get on the coach back home without anyone getting lost. Meanwhile in South Africa, Manchester City continued to struggle to justify their £200-billion summer spending spree, as they went down 1-0 to Kaiser Chiefs, previously only known for their radio-friendly guitar pop.

Hughton's Newcastle, who have endured a torrid summer, year, decade and recent history, will be the subject of renewed mockery after their mauling at Brisbane Road, but the temporary boss - now into his fifth year in charge as the club continues to flounder in administrative chaos - insisted that they would take 'a lot of positives' from their latest indignity. 'For a start, we got a goal,' said Hughton, 'which would have been enough to win the game, had we not conceded a half-dozen. Then there was the good work done by all the backroom staff to arrange the fixture and decide on the kick-off time and all that, which went smoothly. Also, I thought the lads looked very neat in their kits. And Habib [Beye] won £5 on a fruit machine in the services on the way down.'

'So all in all we'll be approaching the new season with confidence.'

In Pretoria, Mark Hughes was disappointed to see his expensive side lose to the Kaiser Chiefs, who fielded only five players. 'We should have made better use of the space,' lamented the Welshman, who said his players 'allowed the Chiefs to dictate the pace, which was moderate to fast, with three chords'. He admitted City's defence had had trouble keeping Chiefs frontman Ricky Wilson quiet. 'He just kept coming out with pithy observations about society, in a distinctive, slightly grating northern drawl. If he keeps doing that, he's going to cause a lot of trouble this season.'

Angry LA Galaxy Hunt Down Beckham With Army Of Hollywood Monsters

From our American Correspondent

David Beckham was in hiding in the hills above Los Angeles tonight after his employers, L.A. Galaxy, responded to fans' disgruntlement at his patchy appearance by dispatching the full might of Hollywood on a deadly revenge mission against the deadball genius and underwear model.

Hundreds of CGI-generated monsters, robots, orcs and miscellaneous supervillains pursued Beckham - who caused fury by moving to AC Milan because the American league isn't a real league - promising Galaxy supporters 'a banquet of blood' in their 18-rated quest.

LA Galaxy owner Philip Anschutz, squinting at the scene through a special pair of glasses made from solid gold, said: 'Beckham seems to think the US is some kind of joke country where we don't know how to distinguish soccer from our many other glossy forms of entertainment. He thinks we aren't serious about the game and the whole MLS is a kind of showy, soulless publicity circus. Well, guess what! We're going to hunt his ass! We're going to bring him back here to the Home Depot Center [Galaxy's showy, soulless stadium]! And we are going to show him the United Status doesn't like being weighed up against a country with a vastly superior soccer heritage!'

Anschutz added that the avenging army's battle with Beckham will appear on cinema screens shortly. 'THIS FALL, ONE MAN WILL TAKE ON THE ODDS,' he bellowed.

Optimus Prime, the leading Transformer who is one of the figureheads in Galaxy's $560 million war on Beckham, commented: 'No sacrifice is too great in pursuit of freedom. However, Beckham should not have had the freedom to stay in Italy beyond the original terms of his contract. He must die.'

As the conflict entered its fiftieth hour, with an eerie darkness settling over the landscape, Beckham was nowhere to be seen tonight, although his wife Victoria was spotted fleeing by outsiders, who said that she looked 'tired, ill and pissed off. Exactly the same as usual.'

Southgate's 'Die For This Club' Appeal Backfires

With star assets Tuncay, Mido, Alfonso Alves and Stuart Downing either gone, openly soliciting a move, or dicking about somewhere in Africa and not replying to his text messages, put-upon Middesbrough manager Gareth Southgate admits that he wishes he hadn't told players that he 'only wanted people who are ready to die for this club.' Since Southgate made this emotional appeal, 29 of the 32 players under contract have left or submitted a transfer request, and the softly-spoken boss conceded yesterday: 'It would have been better just to say something like, I only want players who are really committed. Or just: 'let's all do our best this year''.

Southgate broke out the rhetoric a fortnight ago as transfer speculation dogged his newly-relegated squad. According to Riverside insiders, he was dismayed by - among other failures of team spirit - Downing attending the team meeting already wearing an Aston Villa shirt, and £12.5 million flop Alves shouting 'SO LONG, SUCKERS!' as he drove away from the ground in his Porsche. 'From now on, if you're not prepared to die for Middlesbrough, don't bother coming in,' said Southgate, pausing briefly to allow Tuncay to slip past him to the car park. 'If you don't eat, drink, sleep and shit Boro, there's no point in you being here. I don't care how many players leave, as long as I'm left with people who will walk through fire for Middlesbrough Football Club.'

Transfer requests began to flow almost immediately after this ultimatum, with the entire first-team gone by the end of the day. Many Boro players felt Southgate had set the bar too high. 'I mean, I quite like it here,' said defender Justin Hoyte, 'but who wants to die for Middlesbrough!? It's silly. The ground wasn't even full for half our games last season.' Popular German centre-back Robert Huth agreed, saying: 'Huth will play hard for Boro. Huth will sweat and toil for Boro. But Huth will not go to the grave for them. Huth still has much to offer this world.'

'If he asks us who will get a bit hurt for Middlesbrough, then maybe, OK, I am interested,' remarked playmaker Julio Arca. 'But death is the great unknown. Which of us will walk into the dark, into the infinite, of his own free will? Death is the river which all men must cross, but we cross it only when the ferryman can wait no longer. Also, I can get more money if I go back to the Premier League and half-heartedly play for Blackburn or someone.'

One of the few remaining players, David Wheather, said he would be staying, but 'hoped the gaffer [Southgate] wouldn't call our bluff on the whole dying thing. I was put off a move to Wolves because Mick McCarthy said he wanted players who'd cut their brother's eyes out and spit in the holes for Wolverhampton.'

With only a few weeks to recruit an entirely new playing staff, Middlesbrough are reportedly in talks with the similarly-understaffed Newcastle about a merger. Southgate said: 'if that does happen, I will only want players who are prepared to die for whatever we decide to call the new team.'

Comedy kings ‘working through night’ to provide Lawro with zingers

An insider at the BBC has revealed that a ‘crack team of award-winning comedians’ are working overtime to provide dour pundit Mark ‘Lawro’ Lawrenson with material ahead of the 2009-10 Premiership kick-off.

A defensive stalwart of Liverpool’s unrealistically successful side of the 1980s, Lawrenson had no trouble finding work with the BBC after hanging his boots up, but the man once touted as the ‘third Chuckle Brother’ has failed to live up to the hype.

Hurt by the results of recent focus groups that saw Lawro lose out to Mark Pougatch in the popularity stakes after another season of workmanlike punditry, the Preston native called himself back from holiday in Magaluf ahead of schedule in order to begin top secret meetings with some of contemporary comedy’s keenest minds.

“Lawro wasn’t happy with his performances last year,” a BBC source told us.

“There was a period of real soul-searching where he was asking everyone whether they thought he was funny – it was really awkward.

“You have to remember this is the man who came up with such classics as ‘easy for you to say’ and ‘that’s one word for it’. Mark has high standards when it comes to comedy and he’s his own harshest critic.”

Reports from Broadcasting House suggest that a ‘psychotic looking’ Lawrenson has been putting in 16-hour shifts with a writing team that cost him £1m to assemble.

He has also reportedly told friends that his material ‘shits on Lineker’ and pledged that ‘people will have to reassess what they know about comedy after this season’.