Newcastle 'Reluctantly Call It A Day'

For the first time in 117 years there will be no Newcastle United when the League starts again in August, as the troubled giants announced on Friday afternoon that, 'with great sadness', they had taken the decision to stop playing football and relaunch as a budget holiday provider.

The error-prone North-East club have endured a difficult fifty years, plagued by farcical administration, under-achievement on the pitch, an estimated twenty-eight managerial comebacks by Kevin Keegan, and as many as nine hundred fan deaths caused by removal of shirts in dangerously low temperatures.

The club reached a nadir a few weeks ago when, despite the seemingly inspired move of appointing Alan Shearer - a temporary manager with no prior experience - they slipped into the Championship on the final day. Despite this, most observers had expected them to rebuild, spend money in the summer once a new owner had been found, and bounce back swiftly to the top flight.

Instead, a deputation led by Alan Shearer told shocked fans that it is 'probably best if we knock it on the head here'. 'We've embarrassed ourselves in pretty much every imaginable way over the past couple of years,' Shearer explained. 'We sold the club to a fat, rich man who never undersood how to handle it, spent millions on third-rate foreign imports, failed to relaunch Michael Owen's career, inexplicably hired Joe Kinnear although he was nearly dead, and had to cancel at least a couple of matches because we couldn't remember where we'd put the goalposts.'

'All in all, it's best if we cut our losses at this point and find something else to do on a Saturday. From my own point of view, I think I'll go back to doing workmanlike punditry on Match Of The Day'.

Hundreds of fans turned up outside St James's Park after the decision was announced. 'It's not for any particular reason, like,' explained one fan. 'It's not like we can do anything to change it. It's just that, as you will have seen when Newcastle have been on the news before, we have this weird habit of congregating at the ground at the drop of a hat. There's not a whole lot to do round here, I suppose.' He added that he would 'miss' Newcastle but was 'looking forward to getting me life back and not having to have me shirt off the whole time'.

Owner Mike Ashley announced that St James's Park would stay open as a memorial to a 'much-loved, but ultimately not very good football club', and that Mark Viduka would be retained as a permanent exhibit, marooned ineffectually just inside the opposition's half where he spent many happy hours during the 08-09 season. Ashley also reassured football-hungry fans that there are 'a couple of other perfectly good clubs in the area'.