Premier League officials have expressed their “profound relief” after Richard Dunne was pulled alive from the transfer vortex that collapsed just after 5.00pm yesterday.
The Irish centre-back had been attempting to travel through the quantum wormhole from Manchester City to Aston Villa when it began to fluctuate violently.
As representatives of both clubs tried desperately to bring the player to safety, the vortex imploded, leaving no trace of itself or of Dunne except for some ambiplasma and a smattering of condensed tachyons.
“At that point we feared the worst”, said Villa assistant manager John Robertson. “We knew stuff had happened in the past, like Preben Elkjaer leaving Lokeren in the 1984 vortex and turning up at Verona six years younger."
"Or that time when Giuliano Giannichedda and Stefano Fiore entered a vortex together and emerged as a single player with eight limbs and two heads. But you don’t expect that sort of thing to happen in this day and age.”
Fortunately Villa Park nanotechnicians were able to temporarily re-open the vortex and tractorbeam the defender to safety. He is said to be shaken but unharmed. The superluminal hyperyacht in which he was travelling was written off, however.
FA scientists expect the vortex to re-open in approximately three months’ time.