$60 Million In Debt, Liverpool Owners Advertise 'Heaps Of Great Stuff' On eBay

As press reports suggested that they were in danger of saddling Liverpool with enormous, crippling debts, the club's American owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett were in bullish mood today, announcing that they were 'confident of raising the cash' to meet the estimated 42-million-pound shortfall, thanks to a huge eBay clearout of stuff they had lying around back home in Texas.

'Sixty million bucks sure sounds like a lot of money,' said a defiant Gillett, 'but you wait to see what I'm bid for my life-size Elvis Presley mannequin. The reserve price is $200.' Hicks, meanwhile, is pinning most of his hopes on the entire Tony Hawk's Pro Skater series for PlayStation 2, which he is selling for $15 a game or fifty for the lot. 'Even the older ones, like Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2, are still heaps of fun to play,' Hicks reassured potential bidders at a press conference. 'They'd make a great gift.'

Many Liverpool fans were concerned in 2008 when the American pair bought a majority shareholding in the club, worrying that one of football's traditional powerhouses was in danger of becoming a plaything for a pair of wheeler-dealers with little respect for its history or traditions. Hicks sought to ease such fears yesterday, reassuring fans that Liverpool would not be left to pay for the Americans' excesses. 'Hell, no. If anything, the club stands to make a profit.' When asked how this could possibly the case, Hicks put his fingers in his ears and whistled America The Beautiful while Gillett gave reporters details of the eBay link for a Chinese lamp which he hopes to offload for 'somewhere near $100'.

At the time of going to press, the pair's eBay fire sale had raised only $3.50 plus postage of the required $60 million.

When it was put to Gillett that he and Hicks were a couple of poisonous dickheads who had irresponsibly toyed with a club dear to the hearts of millions, that they had little discernible interest in football or affection for its followers, and that they really ought to fuck off at the earliest possible opportunity, Hicks grinned goofily and said 'I guess so. Dang!'

Gel giants to Townsend: Thank you so much

Hair gel manufacturers Wella have voiced their gratitude to ITV presenter Andy Townsend for seeing the company through a tough 18 months.

The male grooming industry has been hit hard by the current economic downturn with many top names reporting worrying losses.

However, figures published this morning by Wella, who produce popular hair adhesive Shock Waves, reported a steady growth in revenue, which they attribute to slick-haired ITV goon Townsend.

“We can’t thank Andy enough,” a spokesman told City A.M. “His dedication to coating his hair in a greasy layer of our product has kept us afloat. We’re all very grateful to him because it’s fairly clear his hair would look exactly the same without the gel.”

Barry savours move to slightly worse team

Gareth Barry has spoken of his delight at leaving Europa League contestants Aston Villa for mid-table makeweights Manchester City.

The fairly good 28-year-old completed a £12m switch on Tuesday afternoon as Manchester City’s supremely rich owners continue their relentless pursuit of reasonable players to lead next season’s march on eighth place.

Barry was on the brink of a move to Liverpool this time last year, but a fresh start at Eastlands seems more suited to his aspirations.

“In 30 years’ time I want a stoned student to say ‘do you remember Gareth Barry?’" the England international explained. “And then I want his mate to say ‘didn’t he play for Spurs? Wait, no, that was Gareth Bale…’ At Manchester City I think I can achieve that level.”

An emotional Barry travelled to Manchester this morning to meet his new teammates and admitted to feeling a little overawed. “It was incredible to see Wayne Bridge and Tal Ben Haim at work – they’re the kind of players that take your breath away,” he gushed. “I think I can learn so much from such great champions.”

The City new boy could also be playing alongside highly rated omnipresence God next year if recent transfer speculation is to be believed.

“Obviously it’d be great to have him on board,” Barry grinned. “At the end of the day, He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, who is and who was and who is come, the Almighty.”

Man City 'Will Sign God In Next 24 Hours'

Not content with capturing the signature of mercenary midfielder Gareth Barry this week, sources at Manchester City say they are close to shattering the British transfer record with an audacious swoop to bring God to the City of Manchester Stadium in a deal thought to be worth close to forty-five thousand billion pounds as well as a promise of eternal worship from senior figures at the club.

Although better known for commanding all beings into existence by his mighty word alone, God also has a useful track record in professional football, and is seen by the free-spending Eastlands club as an ideal foil to Vincent Kompany in midfield. Blues boss Mark Hughes, whose Dubai-based bosses have given him a reported summer transfer budget of one hundred trillion pounds, a substantial portion of the United Arab Emirates, thousands of barrels of oil and several dozen slaves, said: 'you're always after players who can make things happen. And in God's case obviously, with His mighty hand He hath done many wonders, and everything that is, cometh from Him. Stephen Ireland's capable of doing that as well on his day, but this will give us options'.

Club captain Richard Dunne enthused: 'Behold, he smiteth the wicked and the impure. And that's something we were missing from the midfield last season'.

A spokesman for God stressed this move would 'not be about the money', pointing that God already owns 'everything that was, is, or is to come'. 'For him it's all about finding a new challenge,' said a short statement read to the press, which added: 'Rejoice! He liveth for evermore.' However, God is reportedly only to be offered a two-year contract at this stage.

No Tickets Sold Yet For England v Andorra

With a week to go before Andorra's visit to Wembley for a World Cup 2010 Qualifying clash, the FA have admitted that they are yet to sell a single ticket for the game.

A spokesman confirmed: 'By now we would normally hope to be around 60 or 70,000, but as of yet, we've not managed to shift any at all.' The spokesman added: 'You don't know anyone who likes football, do you?'

England's near-certain qualification, the cannon-fodder opposition, and the timing of the game at the end of a long season all make it one of Wembley's least attractive features in recent years, as even the FA's own publicity for the game admits: hoardings displayed during Saturday's FA Cup final read 'ENGLAND v ANDORRA: IT WON'T BE A CLASSIC'.

The luckwarm anticipation of the game has also not been helped by the respective managers' previews in the press this week. Andorra head coach David Rodrigo told reporters that 'although in international football you always try to be positive, we are a rubbish team and don't have any chance at all'. England boss Fabio Capello confirmed: 'We will win the match by probably three goals'.

The FA spokesman said they were still hopeful of a late surge of interest in the game, pointing out that 'this is the only chance England fans will have this year to see the likes of Juan Carlos Toscano Beltran and Victor Rodriguez Soria in the flesh'. The tickets, which normally sell for £40 and upwards, have gone on ebay for five pounds each, but officials are still waiting for an opening bid. Wembley bigwigs have also invited a long list of VIPs, including former England players and managers, but say that nobody has confirmed attendance yet. 'Graham (Taylor) looked interested when we mentioned it, but apparently he might be looking round a house'.

Insiders suggest that if there are still no takers by Monday, the match may be scrapped or combined with November's Coldplay gig.

Saints accept Ikea offer

Cash-strapped League One newcomers Southampton have reluctantly agreed to sell their St Mary's Stadium to furniture giants Ikea but will be allowed to play next season's home fixtures in the superstore.

The Saints went into a financial tailspin last term and were unable to avoid a 10-point penalty that sentenced them to the third tier of English football for the first time in 50 years.

A number of potential takeovers have failed, including one led by former luxury player Matt Le Tissier, but now Ikea have pounced on the business opportunity.

The Swedish company have bought St Mary's and will turn it into one of its trademark furniture mazes. However, Southampton will still be allowed to play their home games on the site on a pitch marked out between the 'Secondary Storage' and 'Small Storage' aisles.

And the club now have the green light from the FA. After a lengthy review the plan was adjudged not to be in contravention of Article 3b - 'No club's home ground may also be a supermarket or zoo.' 

Southampton's youth players have already begun training in the existing Ikea store on West Quay Road in order to acclimatise.

"I'm really impressed with the way the lads have dealt with the conditions," Under-18's boss Stewart Henderson declared. "One of the boys bashed himself up on a Bjürsta, but otherwise it's been very positive."

New Chelsea boss 'may still be Hiddink'

FA Cup winners Chelsea have issued a statement stressing they are "fairly sure" they have replaced caretaker manager Guus Hiddink with Carlo Ancelotti.

Jolly Dutchman Hiddink's tenure came to an end last weekend with FA Cup glory and the club have opted to stick with the winning formula by bringing in a man with exactly the same face.

In a press release this morning, Blues owner Roman Abramovic welcomed Ancelotti to Stamford Bridge but later admitted there was a "very real possibility" it was just Hiddink doing a different voice.

The club have confirmed that for now Ancelotti will be given Hiddink's security passes and training tops "to save on paperwork and that."