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Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Football was invented to anger volatile Sheffield man, FA confirms

Hot on the heels of an apology from referee Rob Shoebridge, a statement from the FA has confirmed that the sole purpose of football is to persecute Crystal Palace boss Neil Warnock.

Cynical, defensive manager and narcissistic pantomime villain Warnock was livid after his Palace side were denied a goal against Bristol City last weekend because referee Shoebridge failed to see the ball hit the net.

The seething former Sheffield United tactician was typically outspoken in his post-match press conference and declared that Bristol City and the official had made his grudge list - a vast tome which also includes West Ham, Gary Megson, Joe Kinnear, Stephen Hunt, Stephane Henchoz, Gareth Southgate, Rafa Benitez, Graham Poll, Sean Bean, Leicester City, Nottingham Forest, Kevin Blackwell and two of the Tweenies (Jake and Fizz).

But Warnock's mood must be improving after an apology from official Shoebridge, who admitted he had been 'trying to work out the quickest way home' and now the FA have issued their own statement.

"The Football Association would like to offer a full apology to Mr Warnock for everything that has happened to him over the last 40 years," the memo reads.

"The truth is that this great sport was invented with the express aim of one day annoying a pugnacious Yorkshireman as much as possible.

"Neil is correct in claiming he has been discriminated against because football is nothing more than a huge anti-Warnock conspiracy and we are all players in it."

Sociologists from the University of Bristol have published research findings proving that Warnock was as angry as it is possible for a human to be during Crystal Palace's 1-0 defeat at Ashton Gate.

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