Hart ‘will drop pants for points’

Shocked passers by have reported that Portsmouth manager Paul Hart has spent much of the week begging outside Old Trafford in the hope of scavenging his first point of the season.

Hart, who is noted for having a forehead like an Ordinance Survey map, has been entrusted with the task of rearranging the deckchairs on Pompey’s sinking ship.

The incomprehensible northerner has been hindered by a shortage of footballers, a still more acute shortage of decent footballers and a complete lack of decent footballers who want to play for his team.

As a result, Portsmouth find themselves cut adrift at the bottom with BBC’s Final Score already putting an ‘R’ next to their name.

The air of crisis intensified when Hart failed to turn up to training this week and the mood at Fratton Park hasn’t been helped by the news that the manager has spent the last three days begging outside Old Trafford.

“It was actually really embarrassing to watch,” a Manchester United fan told journalists as he left the Champions League win over Wolfsburg.

“Hart was curled up on some cardboard boxes and he kept shouting to Sir Alex [Ferguson] and the Wolfsburg bloke [Armin Veh] that he just needed a point.

“He was going on saying that they had loads and that just one would keep a roof over his head. There were even signs he had scrawled on boxes saying things like, ‘Have a Hart: Give Paul a point’ and ‘Will drop pants for points’. I just couldn’t help thinking there must be a better way of going about things.”