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Sunday, 16 August 2009

Pioneering doctors use Redknapp punditry as alternative to anaesthetic

Doctors at London's St Bartholomew's Hospital have hailed 'an enormous medical breakthrough' after successfully using clips of Jamie Redknapp punditry as an anaesthetic in the operating theatre.

Former Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Redknapp spent the vast majority of his career on the treatment table.

The Hampshire halfwit placed an unmanageable strain on the overstretched NHS during the 1990s undergoing a glut of procedures only rivalled by Darren Anderton, but it seems he is finally giving something back.

In a radical trial at St Bartholomew's Hospital in London, a patient underwent open heart surgery anesthetised only by speakers pumping in Redknapp's summary of Manchester United's 1-0 win over Birmingham City.

"This is a huge moment for us," doctor Peter Richmond enthused. "This could be a massive step forward in our efforts to find safer ways to anesthetise older patients.

"We just piped in Redknapp's babble for 5 minutes and it seemed to rapidly induce a trance-like state.

"By the time he had said his bit about Michael Owen being disappointed to miss a chance to score on his debut because strikers like goals, the patient was under and we were able to proceed."

Jamie Redknapp was unavailable for comment, but dad Harry took time out from tilting a vending machine at East Ham service station to express his pride.

1 comment:

  1. I'd imagine this will only be available privately, due to the costs involved with hiring anyone named Redknapp. Perhaps the NHS could look at using something more affordable - Peter Beagrie, for example.