The 2001 Ballon d'Or winner's career has been derailed by a baffling move to Newcastle United, an endless stream of injuries and not liking football that much.
In a strange twist, Manchester United are ready to pounce for Owen as a cheap replacement for greedy, self-employed hitman Carlos Tevez, but his health may be an issue.
A routine medical conducted at a private south Manchester hospital left doctors shaking their heads, turning up no fewer than 1000 separate injury hotspots.
A leaked copy of the written report contains scribbled observations such as 'flexibility of an 80-year-old', 'sellotape used to reattach limbs' and 'worryingly monotonous voice'.
"Owen is a medical miracle," Professor Mark Henshaw explained. "Technically he shouldn't even be able to walk, let alone turn in mediocre performances week in, week out.
"We have a unique case where Michael's body has adapted to balance out his injuries. At this stage a diving header, a slide tackle or even a vigorous sneeze could turn him into a vegetable. He's pretty much a dead man walking."
However, a United source confessed that the club would probably sign Owen whatever the result of the medical, confessing that Plan B was to 'black up Darren Fletcher and pretend he was a new Brazilian signing."