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Friday, 3 July 2009

Owen's Man U medical reveals '1000 injuries in perfect harmony'

Michael Owen's sensational free transfer to Manchester United is in jeopardy after today's medical turned up a 'thousandfold web of injuries' and labelled the 29-year-old 'a walking corpse.'

The 2001 Ballon d'Or winner's career has been derailed by a baffling move to Newcastle United, an endless stream of injuries and not liking football that much.

In a strange twist, Manchester United are ready to pounce for Owen as a cheap replacement for greedy, self-employed hitman Carlos Tevez, but his health may be an issue.

A routine medical conducted at a private south Manchester hospital left doctors shaking their heads, turning up no fewer than 1000 separate injury hotspots.

A leaked copy of the written report contains scribbled observations such as 'flexibility of an 80-year-old', 'sellotape used to reattach limbs' and 'worryingly monotonous voice'.

"Owen is a medical miracle," Professor Mark Henshaw explained. "Technically he shouldn't even be able to walk, let alone turn in mediocre performances week in, week out.

"We have a unique case where Michael's body has adapted to balance out his injuries. At this stage a diving header, a slide tackle or even a vigorous sneeze could turn him into a vegetable. He's pretty much a dead man walking."

However, a United source confessed that the club would probably sign Owen whatever the result of the medical, confessing that Plan B was to 'black up Darren Fletcher and pretend he was a new Brazilian signing."

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