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Saturday, 14 November 2009

Premier League to Old Firm: "Do a little dance"

The prospect of Rangers and Celtic joining the Premier League hinges on whether the two Glasgow teams are prepared to dance for the amusement of their English counterparts, it emerged yesterday.

“We are confident that all legal, financial and scheduling issues can be swiftly overcome,” announced Wolves supremo Steve Morgan, speaking on behalf of the twenty Premier League chairmen.

“We are seeking assurances from representatives of both clubs, however, that they are prepared to pull a series of far-out shapes—as dictated by us—to demonstrate their commitment to the English game.”

The ‘do a little dance’ condition was passed by a 14-6 majority after chairmen rejected other suggested terms, including that the Old Firm ‘shine our shoes’, ‘eat a tablespoon of cinnamon’, and ‘demonstrate a willingness to engage with questions of security and policing’.

Peter Lawwell, Celtic chief executive, was upbeat about his club’s chances. “We have to be satisfied with the outcome of these discussions”, he told reporters. “I’m looking forward to getting out there and busting my most extreme moves.

“It’s a historic challenge for this football club, obviously, but one that we’ll approach with the same spirit, resolve, and slinky thighs of the Lisbon Lions in 1967.”

Rangers chairman Alastair Johnston, who replaced notoriously uncoordinated butterball David Murray in August, was similarly confident. “We feared they’d want us to eradicate sectarianism or something equally ridiculous, but this is far more feasible,” he said.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play Dance Dance Revolution Hottest Party 2 on Ally McCoist’s Wii.”

Accoring to reports, Johnston and Lawwell will be made to wear kitten heels and skin-hugging leotards chosen by Portsmouth FC non-executive chairman Sulaiman al-Fahim. Reports that al-Fahim is merely a front for a consortium of unnamed Abu Dhabi-based designers have been strenuously denied by all parties.

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