FIFA confirmed this afternoon that in a revolutionary experiment designed to inject some interest into a lifeless fixture, Andorra will start tonight's game against England with a two-goal lead.
After it was revealed last week that nobody had yet bought a ticket for the visit of the 100/1 outsiders, who have yet to win a game in the competition so far, talks began on a way to make the game a bit more even. After consultation between the nations' soccer authorities, an FIFA spokesman revealed earlier: 'Andorra will be given two goals at kick-off time. They're really bad, you see, and this will keep people interested at least until the hour mark or so.'
'They really do stink,' he added. 'They'll be lucky to lose 4-2.'
Training-ground spies suggested that Andorra were hoping to employ other playground tactics once the game was underway, such as shouting 'we get Rooney' in the hope that Wayne Rooney will then be forced to join their team, or calling 'next goal wins' in the event that they force a corner or free-kick.
England head honcho Fabio Capello was unavailable for comment after his controversial antics in Kazakhstan, but captain John Terry - taking time out from watching 'Diagnosis Murder' with other members of his relaxed squad - remarked that the game was 'still one we'd be expecting to win'. Terry's side won the away fixture 2-0 in September despite all having one hand tied behind their backs. Terry added: 'How old is Dick van Dyke now? He's got to be eighty at least. Legend.'
Meanwhile, the FA said that ticket sales for the moribund contest were 'looking up', with the crowd now expected to be in the region of 1,000 after FA promotions offering free tickets to members of youth clubs, local schools, and former England deputy Phil Neal, who 'replied straight away' and 'will definitely be along if he can get a babysitter'.