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Monday, 6 July 2009

'I'm Newcastle 'til I die', pledges half-dead Kinnear

Former Newcastle United boss and angry, angry man Joe Kinnear is determined to return to the St James' Park bench despite recent heart problems and has outlined his plan to 'die during a 2-1 defeat at Nottingham Forest.'

Jobbing manager Kinnear, who nobody had seen for 20 years, inexplicably resurfaced to take the Toon job last term when he received the call from jowly simpleton Mike Ashley.

The cockney wide boy immediately showed the PR skills he learned at Wimbledon in the 1990s by labelling every journalist in Britain "a cunt" and the managerial skills he learned at Wimbledon in the 1990s by leading the side into a bitter relegation struggle.

A pesky heart attack forced Kinnear to abandon football's most degrading post in February, but it seems the 62-year-old still hasn't had enough.

"I'd love to return to Newcastle," he barked at cowering journalists yesterday.

"I have so many happy memories there, like those two wins we got before we began our terrifying free-fall towards the Championship.

"I'm Toon 'til I die, which will be sometime in October when we're losing 2-1 to Nottingham Forest."

With around six weeks remaining before the 2009-10 campaign begins, Newcastle are without an owner, a manager or any players.

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