The man responsible for inventing the deafening hooters that have provided a repulsive backing track to the Confederations Cup has stated his infinite regret in an emotional open letter.
The staggeringly irrelevant Confederations Cup has brought a much-needed dose of football to a public suffering withdrawal symptoms after nearly a week of abstinence.
However, games in South Africa have been accompanied by the annoying drone of hooters wielded by fans – a noise so loud and piercing it can be heard from as far away as Kenyan capital Nairobi.
“We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried. Most people were silent,” hooter mastermind Professor Stephen Hootswell recalls in his heartfelt letter.
“Now I am become Death – the destroyer of worlds.”
The level of irritation these hooters have caused is such that ‘Hootergate’ has endangered the future of the tournament, football and indeed mankind.
Apparently these parpy things have a name - like "vuvazela" or something (according to BBC3). They sound like an angry swarm of wasps to the extent that I can barely bring myself to watch any match because it's like being in Room 101!
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