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Sunday, 7 June 2009

Capello's 'Insane 24-Hour Bender' After Win Over Kazakhstan

FA officials were still looking for England manager Fabio Capello last night, after the normally serene manager marked his side's 4-0 win over Kazakhstan with what onlookers described as a 'mad orgy of celebration'.

Since taking over the reins from Sven-Goran Eriksson, Capello has impressed many with his icy composure, and is credited by players with greatly improving discipline in the England camp. But all this seemingly went by the board in Almaty on Saturday night. No sooner had the final whistle blown to signal an efficient, if unexciting, win for England than Capello began - in the words of one senior player - to 'completely lose his shit'.

The normally guarded Italian stunned journalists by appearing in just his pants for the press conference. Before any questions could be posed by the wrongfooted press members, Capello wrenched the microphone out of its stand and began to sing Land Of Hope And Glory, although according to witnesses, he was rusty on the words and 'had to go la-la-la for most of it'.

At this stage Capello already appeared to be under the influence of alcohol, and after taking just three questions - dealing with Steven Gerrard's commanding performance, England's continued improvement, and the next match against Andorra - the manager suddenly declared: 'fuck all this. We are the greatest team in the world. We have beaten Kazakhstan. We are England! Death to our enemies!' To the amazement of the press corps, Capello then rose and staggered out of the room, 'swigging from an already half-empty vodka bottle and singing an obscene song about a girl called Pam', according to reports. A figure matching his description was then seen urinating into a fountain in a deserted Almaty city centre an hour later.

FA officials admit that they have been unable to locate Capello since then, although several England players report that he called their mobiles between midnight and four in the morning urging them to 'come out just for a cheeky one' and calling them 'gay' when they elected to stay in their hotels. There has been no statement from Capello's spokespeople, though on the front page of his official website, pictures have appeared of the former Milan manager flanked by blondes and sporting a hat shaped like a pint of Guinness, along with the caption 'Britons never, never, never shall be slaves'.

1 comment:

  1. Capello didn't take over from Sven, get your facts right lad! There was the memorable tenure of the Englishman, groomed to take the job by both Sir Ferguson and Sven G-E. How could you forget the umbrella man? or was it so painfull that you have forgotten?
    Will discuss next week.